


Fair Pleasure

by XanaduHoneydew



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Cunnilingus, Drugs, F/M, LSD, Marijuana, Music, Oral Sex, Romance, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-03-02 13:45:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 47,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13319406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XanaduHoneydew/pseuds/XanaduHoneydew
Summary: You are a musician who meets Dan Avidan at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire and become fast friends, or something more? Then you enter the Grumps' lives as a new editor, and a new interest for Danny.





	1. The Color Purple

“ _We were somewhere around Irwindale, on the edge of dehydration, when the drugs began to take hold,_ ” you whispered to the fiddler, who was handing you a bottle of water. You unscrewed the cap and took a big gulp, missing the contents and letting them run down your chin.

“Think you can keep it together till Dangerfield gets here?”

“No doubt. Like I told you, I only had a tiny taste.” You put down the mandolin and picked up the guitar. “Hunky dory.”

The fiddler was your best friend Zef. He was in a band called Nordic Honey, and you were filling in at the last second for the mandolinist, but there was only one problem. When Zef found you near a merchant stand, you didn’t expect to be presented with a tiny guitar, and he didn’t expect you to have just taken half a tab of blotter acid.

You played with Nordic Honey for the next half hour, but Dangerfield still wasn’t there and at the end of a song you noticed the floral lace in your elven sleeves was beginning to swim. Now it was just a matter of not turning into a fucking reptile on the little stage of the Renaissance Pleasure Faire.

 _How did I get here?_ You wondered, looking into Zef’s eyes for an answer. He held up the peace sign and raised his eyebrows. You smiled and nearly made the sign too, but realized what he’d meant. _Two more songs._ You could hack it. Then the band would go on break and maybe by then the mandolinist would be there. Readjusting the headset mic, you beamed at the little audience of two nuclear families and two couples, all dressed in full regalia on the hay bales. The women looked like a bed of flowers, the men looked a little drunk. The young non-binary couple sitting near the back looked immersed and absolutely smitten.

“My lords and ladies and everyone in between,” you began. “We thank thee for accompanying us on such a beautiful, azure-colored spring day like this one. We revel in singing our tales to any and all listeners, and hope you guys think we’re hot stuff--uhh…”

You realized you’d broken character when you couldn’t get the taste of purple out of your mouth. But you’d long before charmed the audience you could count on two hands (and everyone who came and went) and they were giggling and clapping.

“Next one’s called _Clap_.”

You took two little steps back and glanced at Zef.  He mouthed _good luck_ and put down his instrument with the rest of the bandmates, then they sat on stools behind you. “The Clap” was an instrumental for guitar, meaning you were about to go it alone. Dangerfield, the only other one in the band who could play it, wouldn’t save you now. But at that point you were beyond saving and beyond needing help, really, because this wasn’t your first or even your strongest acid trip. It was your first time performing on psychedelics, though. A few more people came by to sit down.

_I can’t believe I’m getting away with this. Am I even doing the right chords? I must be, look at all their faces. Look at their hair! Holy fuck, look at that one. What a horrible wig. Or is that his--_

_Holy fuck._

The man with the “horrible wig”, which now appeared as an intense mane of dark and curly hair, sat down in the third row with his eyes on you. His smile, yet brighter than the California sun which was beating down at you, felt like a gentle caress compared to the fiery overlord in the sky. You knew it was Dan Avidan sitting before you, you knew you were playing a very challenging instrumental, and you knew you were high on acid.

 _Okay. Keep it together. It’s almost over anyway._ You looked at Dan again. _I am either very lucky or very unlucky._

Once it was clear to you that you were in an inescapable situation, the only thing you saw fit to do was to carry on regardless. Not much else, really. So you settled down and grew comfortable to the ridiculous situation you (and Zef) had put yourself in, and finished the song. Everyone clapped, but Dan rewarded you with another beautiful smile that almost convinced you to fall over and attempt to melt into the floorboards. One more song.

_Just one more song, then I can control this dream again. The air is like water, perhaps I could fly off the stage and into a drink stand where a wench will mix me in with the mead. Lord I need a water. Can I drink the air? Is the air water?_

Before you tried making a fish face to filter the illusionary moisture out of the air, Zef took the guitar from your hands and replaced it with the mandolin. You looked at him and quickly did two hand gestures: a big O and a clenched fist. He replied with a clenched fist. This was your way of asking and telling if your pupils were dilated. Lucky for you, they were pinholes. You got some water from the bottle on the floor and turned back to the audience.

“We got one more for you, before we get to have our turn exploring the Faire and looking at swords and crafts and gnawing on turkey legs. Man, I’m pretty hungry. And _speaking of hungry_ ,” you said to try to get back on topic after being distracted by the paisleys in the trees. “…this is a song about a particularly hungry fox.”

Zef the fiddler and the other guitarist in Nordic Honey stepped forward and the three of you went right into an upbeat folk song which was more challenging than “The Clap”, because now you had to quickly play a little mandolin and sing just as fast with a head full of acid. Dan Avidan being in the audience was a reason to be nervous. And yet inexplicably, this was your best performance yet of “The Fox”, and you found comfort in Dan’s presence.

_The fox went out on a chilly night_

_He prayed for the moon to give him light_

_For he had many a mile to go that night_

_Before he reached the town-o, town-o, town-o_

_He had many a mile to go that night_

_Before he reached the town-o_

_He ran till he came to the farmer’s pen_

_The ducks and the geese were kept therein_

_He said a couple of you are gonna grease my chin_

_Before I leave this town-o, town-o, town-o_

_A couple of you are gonna grease my chin_

_Before I leave this town-o_

 

After a flourished mandolin solo, you sang two more verses about the fox’s escape from the sleeping farmers with a great big goose in his maw. Every time you looked at Dan, he smiled a little and watched you very intently. He was definitely paying more attention to you than your bandmates, and you weren’t even a member of the band. His eyes were on _you._

When Zef played his solo, you realized you were swaying and dancing a little, at the same rhythm that the furry grass and leaves undulated underwater like algae. The hay bales in front of you beckoned like so many golden cubes made of angel hair, and you stepped out and danced onto the hay with the little mandolin, feeling the warm breezes carry you on a current from row to row. The families clapped to the beat, giving you a sense of when to jump. Dan had his body turned to keep watching, and now you were singing again, and hopping closer to him, until he was right below you, becoming the only audience in your reality.

 

_He ran till he came to his nice warm den_

_And there were the little ones, 8, 9, 10_

_Sayin’ Daddy, Daddy better go back again_

_It must be a mighty fine town-o, town-o, town-o_

_Danny, Danny go back again_

(Wait, what did I just…)

_For it must be a mighty fine town-o_

 

During the second before the last verse started, you and Dan gazed at each other for what seemed like an eternity. He was even more beautiful in person, and through the rose-tinted glasses of high quality LSD. There was such a gentile expression on his face that you were sure only you had heard yourself screw up. All was well. You hopped away to sing the last verse onstage.

 

_The fox and his wife, without any strife_

_They cut up the goose with a fork and a knife_

_And they never had such a supper in their life_

_And the little ones chewed on the bones-o, bones-o, bones-o_

_They never had such a supper in their life_

_And the little ones chewed on the bones_

 

Another fluttery solo on fiddle and mandolin and you were home free. Everyone clapped and Dan gave you a standing ovation with a huge smile. You went to put down the mic and mandolin and Zef took over, thanking everyone and directing them to the merch table, taking tips in a small sack. When you stood up it felt like Alice growing from one side of the mushroom. You swirled around and in front of the stage at your eye level, was Dan Avidan, holding a hefty $20 tip. You ignored the green in his hand and focused on the brown in his eyes instead. At some point one summer you’d found that sometimes if sunlight hits brown eyes just right, they reveal a hidden forest of amber and green.

“…Hi…” you finally said. “Is… is that for me?”

Dan shrugged. “Unless you’re _not_ the mandolin player who bears a striking resemblance to you.”

“Well, funny thing is I’m actually not in the band, the real guy is probably still stuck on the 405. I’m friends with the fiddler. Zef.”

Dan was still idly holding the $20, but it was less of an obstruction now. “I’m Danny,” he said with a smile. You blushed a little, thinking maybe he _had_ noticed.

“Yeah,” you balanced a little on your toes. “I know who you are. I’m (Y/N).” You stepped off the stage and behind him, making him turn around for you. He was much taller and quite spindly, probably had less muscle mass than you did but he was absolutely gorgeous like that. “Are you here alone or are you waiting for…”

“Uh-huh, Arin and Suzy are coming too. Maybe they’re in the car next to the guy who didn’t play mandolin today.”

You laughed a little. “You know, at first I was really unsure about…” you paused a moment to tell yourself that no, his hair wasn’t about to turn into a bird’s nest, those golden flecks were not feathers but hallucinatory tricks playing with the sunlight. “…about playing today, but now I’m really glad I did.”

“I’m glad too, that was fucking awesome! One of the best parts about Renfaire are the musicia--”

Suddenly the sun peeked out from behind a tree and flooded you with light. “Oh,” you muttered when one side of your face was blinded. You suddenly thought of yourself as a human match. Dan was looking into your eyes with more interest than before.

“Woah…” he said.

“What? Is my hair on fire?” You patted yourself down as he laughed heartily and you stopped, surprised because you’d heard that laugh many times on Game Grumps, but it was absolute ear candy in real life. Then you laughed too.

“Uh, Dan?”

“Yeah?”

_Ignore the drug. Ignore that you’re about to do this on so much drug. Ignore that you just pleasured the fuck out of a mandolin in front of Danny Sexbang at a renaissance fair on an iconic psychedelic drug. Time to get through this fever dream, with a little fun._

“Since you’re waiting for your pals and I no longer serve a purpose here, would you like to join me on a quest for turkey legs and mead?” You pointed at the $20 in his fingers.

“Oh, fuck yeah.”

“Fuck yeah!” You said a little too loud, next to a family. The kids giggled and, being on high alert, you whirled around to apologize like a madman.

“It’s really fine, sweetheart,” said the mom. “They hear worse at home.” The children nodded in unison with impish grins and walked away. Dan was still laughing.

“Still wanna go get some gnosh with me? Even though I’m the village idiot?”

“Oh, you’re no tard, you’re a bard.”

“Playing mandolin is pretty hard.”

“Do you grease your fingers with lard?”

You couldn’t stop smiling. You also couldn’t find any more words to rhyme. Right now you were thinking about colors, food, outer space, and the duality of man. Words were getting a little tough.

“Ready to go?” Dan asked.

“Just gotta say bye to my buddy.”

You walked over to Zef and told him you were gonna go on a food quest with Dan from Game Grumps. He replied by forming his fist into a big O. Your eyes widened, thinking your cover had been blown. It must have been obvious all along that you were on something. That was a bit embarrassing, but it didn’t really bother you. Maybe the dilated pupils weren’t acid, but arousal.

“You did great, man. Fuck Dangerfield. Go have fun, okay?” Zef said.

You skipped back to the sunlight, back to Dan, who held his arm out. “M’lady.”

“Why thank you, kind sir,” you made a little bow and took his arm.

On the way out of the area, your arms naturally let go as you walked toward the food stands. You passed by vendors and people of so many costumes and colors, all kinds of characters in their own write. So many loud laughs and friendly faces, all drowned out by the attractive power Dan held. What a beautiful guy. What a contagious personality. What a purple purple purple purple purple--

_Oh no, purple, I’m stuck in a purple, mind loop. Touch, hand, tickle, purple, everything tastes purple. Can he read my purple thoughts? No, purple, thoughts are not purple, tickle, touch. I want him to touch me. I want him to tickle me. I want purple. Purple!_

“Yeah, I like the purple one too!”

“Huh?”

You’d wandered into a costume shop and were staring at a stunning, handmade robe. The fabric looked patchworked together in different hues of purple.

“This shit is so cool… Oh, yeah, food!”

_Fer fuck’s sake ha ha ha don’t let him know how high you are!_

“Are you high?” he whispered.

“Hm?” _Did I say that out loud? Did he hear me?_ _What now?_

“Hey it’s okay,” he whispered. “When I was in my early twenties I spent like two years continuously high.”

You smirked. “Yeah, I know. To be honest with you, I took acid before Zef told me I had to fill in for his mandolin player. I only took a little and… I’m not even sure you’re really here?”

“Wow, you’re on acid?”

“Yep. But I’m still me. If that makes sense? I hope you’re okay.”

“Hey, (Y/N), we’re totally cool. I’m just impressed you could play like a fucking rock star while you’re loaded, that’s insane. And you were right on the spot too, wow. But are _you_ okay?”

“Yeah, I’m wonderful. Really, everything’s _very_ beautiful right now. I hope you still want to go get some food together.”

“Nah, I don’t wanna eat delicious greasy food with the company of a pretty mandolin player.”

You swatted his shoulder and laughed. He smiled and wrapped his arm around your shoulder, almost making you gasp. His touch felt protective. “Let’s go. Don’t wander off, okay?”

_Does he care about me? Cool. But why?_

“I won’t.”

You kept walking down the path. He was stopped once by a fan who asked you to take the picture. Lucky for you, you were Ansel Adams on acid. On with the walk. Dan pointed at a few sculptures and picked up a crystal ball, pretending to be King Jareth. When he passed it to you, you stared inside and held it up to the sun to catch rainbows. Rainbow lightning in a water drop frozen in time. Time. Time.

_Time is passing so slowly. It hasn’t even been an hour since the acid hit, is it? It hasn’t been an hour since I met Dan. Holy fuck. Holy balls. Balls! Crystal balls!_

A large hand reached down and took the crystal ball from your tiny hands, replacing it with a pendant.

“What?” You held it closer. Hanging from the leather band was a little mandolin. Dan looked proud.

“Is this for me?”

“Well, the other mandolinist is stuck on the 405, right?”

You beamed at him. He gave you a beautiful smile and took the pendant to put it on you.

“Fuck, I think it’s locked or something.”

“You can’t open the thing?”

“Nah, I think only squirrels can figure this shit out.”

“I’ll help.”

“Oh shit, I got it!”

He put the pendant on you and whirled you around. The mandolin fell gently above your breasts, and Dan couldn’t take his eyes off you.

“You look great.”

“Thank you, Dan, I… I can’t believe… Why?”

He shrugged. “I just really loved your music.”

You blushed. He held your shoulder again and you went on your way. You kept looking up at him from the corner of your eye.

“I love your music too, by the way. Man, _6969_ , I knew right away I was in for a _2112_ parody.”

“You like Rush?” He smiled.

“ _For I have dined on honeydew, and drunk the milk of paradise_.”

“Oh my God. You’re awesome.”

“I’m pretty hungry, is what I am. Would love a honeydew melon right now. Fruit is awesome on acid.”

“Well, I doubt they have honeydew, buuuuut will turkey and corn work?”

“Fuck yeah!” You said right next to a family, and proceeded to apologize like a madman while Dan laughed and walked away with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psychedelics are fun, but be responsible and cautious.  
> To imagine Nordic Honey's rendition of "The Fox", it's a cover of Nickel Creek's version of the song. Check it out!  
> Dan is hot, but you don't need me to tell you that ;)


	2. Salt, Sugar, Fat, & Smoke

“So what can you do besides mandolin and guitar?”

“Well, I draw, write, crochet, and… oh yeah, taught myself video editing when I was like thirteen because I was a bored kid and thought I could get YouTube famous.”

“At thirteen? Fuck, I think you could. You should really consider making a channel, that is, if you haven’t already. Talking to a jack of all trades here, you probably have and damn, you really love that corn, don’tcha?”

“There is… just something… _so_ good… about eating food with your hands!”

You were devouring a buttery corn on the cob, disregarding the sloppy performance being made in front of Dan. He was going to town on his turkey too, though. What was there to care about?

“I know… think it has to do with evolution or something?”

“Oh it’s gotta. I think just about everything we do has to do with that. Especially with primal things, you know, eating, dancing… sex.”

He smirked at that last word, and looked at the sky with half-lidded eyes.

“Ah, the finer things in life.”

“My dad’s got a theory on why humans love bacon so much.”

“Uhhh, because it’s delicious?”

You chuckled. “Sure is, but really, he’s got this big theory on it, it’s got something to do with salt, sugar, fat, and smoke.”

“Bacon has sugar?”

“Yeah! And ice cream has a little salt.”

“No way.”

“Way.”

“Can I hear about that Bacon Theory?”

“Um…”

_No Dan. I can’t talk about bacon. Not while the sky is on fire._

“Man, the sky is on fucking _fire_.”

Dan looked behind. “Oh wow…”

It was “the golden hour”, your favorite time of day, and it made the sunlight play on everything. The clouds, which seemed so close, were strewn with bright oranges and pinks you could never capture in an illustration. On acid, it felt like viewing the world through Technicolor. It appeared as though there had been an explosion in the heavens, and the cinders were about to rain on your heads. But the only thing that fell through the wind was a small flower, right into Dan’s hair.

_Oh my God. He’s been blessed. By fairies or some shit._

When he asked you why you were laughing, you slowly leaned in, not breaking eye contact. He parted his lips slightly and you reached up and plucked the flower from his hair. He took it between his fingers and said, “Well look at that,” before leaning in to gently tuck it behind your ear. His hands were cool against your warm skin. Fuck, it was always scorching at Renfaire.

“Am I pretty?” You said, wiggling around a bit and pursing your lips.

He smiled. “Yes” was the only word he said. You stopped wiggling and smiled back, taking that moment to really look at him. Sure, he was breathing and flowing in places he shouldn’t, there were invisible fairies raining flowers on him, but you were certain that the beautiful creature you were sitting with would’ve looked just as warm as he did now if you weren’t on acid. You wanted him. You wanted him more than Arin wanted to kill the purple plant.

_Purple, purple, purple, fuck!_

“You okay, (Y/N)?”

“Oh, yeah. Completely fine. It’s just the acid. I’m gonna space out a few times in contemplation. Like I was just thinking about purp--about how… ha ha…”

He chuckled and cocked his head to one side. “Come on, I wanna know what happens in the mind during an acid trip. I’ve never taken, dropped, whatevered the stuff. C’mon, what’s going on in that pretty little head?”

Hanging your head low, your grin went from ear to ear until you finally breathed in, looked in his eyes again and said, “I was just thinking about how pleasant you are to look at.”

“That’s funny,” his voice lowered. “I was thinking the same thing.”

“Ooh, a flirty Sexbang.” You interlaced your fingers to rest your chin on them. “How many poor, _young_ mandolinists at the mercy of an acid trip have you conquered?”

“I gotta say this is a first.”

You smiled at each other for a moment, but only a moment, before you recognized Arin Hanson in leather armor lumbering around behind Dan. You pointed at him.

“You see him too, right?”

He turned around. “Oh hey, Arin! _You’re late, goddamn you!_ ”

“I’m so- _ree_ , my pedicure ran late.”

You laughed at the thought of Arin at a nail salon with the foamy thingy between his toes. He noticed you.

“Hi, I’m (Y/N), and you’re Arin.”

“Yes hi I am Arin, and you are (Y/N). Nice to meet us.”

You shook his hand and felt a squelch, like you’d just shook hands with a jelly doughnut, but that wasn’t his hand melting, nah, that was just sweat. The poor fool was wearing leather in Irwindale.

“Where’s Suzy?” Dan asked.

“I dunno, Ross and Holly kidnapped her; they’re somewhere around here. I’m gonna get some fudge without my wife! See you guys.”

“You bad husband you!”

“ _Ross_ ,” you whispered, a memory sparking in your brain. Yes. Yes!

_Yes, how could I forget! Oh, I gotta tell ‘em. Gotta do it gotta do it!_

“Well, looks like everyone’s here now,” Dan said. You held your breath, thinking he was gonna get up and join Arin, join his friends, you no longer served a purpose. How many opportunities had there been to kiss him. Were there any at all, even? The acid made _every_ moment feel like the right time to kiss him. But it wasn’t going to happen. You also weren’t going to be left there, because he followed up with “Wanna meet some more Grumps?”

You nodded like a little kid being asked if they wanted to go get ice cream. He laughed like a clucking chicken and you laughed too, almost hysterically.

“Oh fuck, you’re really high!”

“Hi, I’m high!”

He gently grabbed your shoulders and lowered his voice: “Not so loud, kay? We don’t wanna get thrown out.” He winked.

You stood. “Let’s go meet some Grumps. When we get there, boy have I got a story to tell you.”

“Mm. Can’t wait.”

When you both finally found the others--well, it was Dan who saw them. You were watching a dragon ride a woman and small children in neon Crocs disappear into giant top hats. But when you finally found the others, you skipped up to Ross and said “Are you _Ross_ from _Game Grumps?_ ”

He slowly pointed at you and smiled with the corner of his mouth. “I think I know you?”

“I think I know her too,” Holly said. “Oh!”

“Yeah, we met here last year! Funny, I was stoned then and I’m still stoned and I said that out loud, I’m sorry, hi there Suzy, I’m (Y/N).”

Everyone giggled at you. “I see you brought a Dan with you,” Suzy said.

“You met Ross and Holly at last year’s Renfaire?” Dan asked. “Were you also on--”

“No no, weed. Hotboxed my car and went in, listened to music, had some mead, and suddenly--Ross.”

“I remember you wanted us to show Dan some music,” Holly said. “And I wrote it down but I forgot, I’m so sorry. But it looks like everything worked in your favor anyway!” she held her palm out at Dan. He turned his head to look at you and blinked.

“Wow, you wanted to show me music a year ago and I met you--I met her,” he looked at his friends. “Get this, she was playing mandolin as a last-minute replacement _and_ she was on acid.”

“Holy shit!” Ross said. “What? What?!”

“What is a mandolin, what is acid, or what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

“You _don’t_ know that last one. You don’t. I will be impressed if you do.”

“…Er.”

“I’m trying to wrap my head around this,” Dan said. “Can’t believe _you_ wanted to show me some music, this is so cool!”

“Well _I_ can’t believe I got to actually perform for you, that was pretty cool too, dude! I’ll go find Zef right now, take Dangerfield’s mandolin, the acid’s really… peaking now, bet I could string out a 20 minute prog song… _fuck_.”

_Oh my._

Yeah, that was no “tiny taste”. Every time you closed your eyes you were floating beyond the moons of Jupiter. Every time you opened your eyes, there was Dan. What a dream. What a wonderful dream you never wanted to wake up from. If only there weren’t so many eyes on you, just his. You looked at Dan with alert eyes, your mouth gone slack. Was he gonna leave?

“Hey, don’t look so spoopy,” he said with a smile. “I’m sure whatever you’re seeing isn’t really there, you’re okay. Just breathe.”

“Is she gonna be okay?”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’m just peaking.” You looked at them and felt dumb. “ _Oh_ , please don’t get weirded out. I didn’t expect any of this to happen on acid, to meet you guys again, meet Dan, hi Suzy--”

“Hi, (Y/N).” She waved.

“My point being, I’m better than okay. Time of my life.”

“Good to hear,” Dan said.

“Hey (Y/N) what does this look like?” Ross waved his hands back and forth in front of you, trying to create a hallucination.

“Looks like you’re flapping.”

Dan laughed and Ross shot his hands down, slowly shook his head at you.

“Nah but if you guys want a sense of what everything looks like right now, it’s like that fuzzy ’80s video quality in _Kung Fury_. And up in the sky…” you pointed at the clouds and everyone looked up. “The clouds’ edges look like fractals dissolving. _Wowwww_.”

While you distracted yourself with the clouds, Dan talked with his friends. You didn’t know what they were saying, you nearly forgot they were even there, the sky and natural world around you were perfect. Not the concrete jungle of LA that made you think of cocaine and shame. No, you were in your own little rose bubble, like Glinda the Good Witch, floating over Munchkinland.

_We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild! I gotta watch that movie again. I gotta have a lollipop again, when was the last time I had a kiddie snack? Only candy I eat now are edibles. Wow, I’d really like a--_

“… _joint right now_ …” you whispered.

“Bye, (Y/N), nice meeting you!”

You dipped your head out of the clouds, out from the purple haze--

_Oh god that’s why the song’s called Purple Haze, it’s this, it’s the fucking purple goddamn purple up to my ears!_

\--and saw Suzy walking away with Ross and Holly. They were waving bye at you. You waved back.

 _But where’s_ …

“Okay!”

You yelped and jumped a little, then covered your mouth in embarrassment. Dan was still there, right behind you. He chuckled. “Aw I’m sorry, did I scare ya?”

You nodded.

“Fucking cute. Come on, let’s walk around.”

“You’re not gonna go with them?”

“Well, maybe later. This is fun, and I don’t think it’d be fun for you to--”

“--To be in too big a social situation on psychedelics. Yeah, true. Hope I didn’t ruin your day.”

“Not for a second.”

You beamed at him, and walked for about a minute until you reached the river and leaned against the fence. Dan had asked you about the paisley clouds, and you were telling him with as much detail as possible what you were seeing all around you, but it became too hard. You wanted to enjoy the beauty of your moments. Then he asked you, “And how do you feel?”

“That’s… wow. It feels a little like being underwater, but without the pressure, and obviously I can breathe. Yeah, like being in water with all bad qualities removed and replaced with… love and confidence? Ha ha… It feels like…” You looked at him. “Like lying under a tree making a flower garland.”

Beautiful smile.

“I feel like lying down. I feel like listening to Ravi Shankar. I feel like giving you my number.”

Without missing a beat, he pulled out his phone and gave it to you after putting in the passcode.

_Holy purple crystal balls._

You typed in your number. If you’d taken the whole tab of acid, this wouldn’t have happened, and you knew it.

_I’d get chased around by big men with billy clubs into the San Gabriel River, then I really could take a swim. No, no, ignore the drug. You did it, he’s got your number. Holy fuck, he’s got my number._

“Can I borrow your phone?”

“Uh, yeah.” You pulled it from your leather bag and gave it to him. “No lock. I like to live dangerously. She said with a head full of acid.”

He smiled while typing in his digits. When he gave it back, you looked at the name. “Danny Sexbang,” you said. “Entirely why?”

“Eh. You are who you are.”

“Think I like who you are.”

He hummed in response. “Thanks, you too.”

_I feel like kissing you._

“Dan, this has been so nice. I’m really happy I got to meet you and hang out, and I’d love to do this some more, but I think I should probably get back to the band. I’m too out in space to function normally.”

“Aw, okay. At least let me walk you back to the stage, I feel kinda responsible for you right now. Don’t want you getting lost or hurt or busted.”

You held out your arm. He took it with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 100 hits in one day after chapter 1. Thanks for reading this beginning to a masturbatory fantasy coated with acid. :)
> 
> Social situations on LSD are not really so fluid. You've got a mindset, and you go into a setting. I crossed the little street in front of my old apartment to catch a bus into town to see what a city walk would be like on acid and I almost got hit (lightly bumped into) by a car, gave up, and went to the woods instead. What the reader is experiencing are things that happen between 50ug and 150ug. Yes, I really couldn't get the taste of purple out of my mouth one time. No, I can't explain that. I can draw, write, crochet, and video edit. Can't play mandolin or guitar.
> 
> The Renaissance Pleasure Faire has been an annual event since 1963 in SoCal. It's held every weekend between April and May. The Grumps DO go there, and I met Ross and Holly last time.


	3. Zef on the Zephyr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your ol' buddy good pal Zef gives you a much needed talking to.

“Zef! Dan said he’s gonna call me! Dan Fucking Avidan is carrying my number in his phone! This is the greatest day of my young and stupid life, man.”

“Does he know about the 16 year age difference?”

“Man I _look_ like a fucking 16 year old. I think he knows the years between us can drive a car and stain sheets. Twenty-two isn’t _that_ young.”

“Well normally I’d think it’s a little weird, but then again you’re a little weirdo. And hey, I’m a straight man and _I_ want Daniel to hold me in his arms. I get it.”

“I can’t believe I pulled this off on acid.”

“Why wouldn’t ya? You’re charming, fun to be around. A little over the top when your inhibitions are released, but I always believed that to be part of your charm.”

“S’okay, you don’t have to keep saying it…”

“Why not?”

“It’s just…” you inhaled a deep breath. “It’s like everyone I’ve picked to love has let me down. Like all these qualities and talents don’t matter. I always end up feeling like nothing, and I’m kind of afraid now. Like I’m just gonna get hurt again and again. It just… always happens. It always does. What if this is another cruel, karmic trick?”

“(Y/N).”

“Zef.”

He sat down next to you. “Remember when you got dumped last year and I talked with you about unrealized expectations?”

“I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast.”

 

“Okay, now listen again. I have had many failed expectations. Some were unrealistic, others were partially realistic and even came to partial successful fruition. And sometimes I had warnings that I ignored from girls I was pursuing that my expectations were not going to be fulfilled.  Often it took some time to realize why, or a long time. Or I never did figure it out. Frequently I was aware that I was ignoring a warning because of the weakness of my own desperation and fear of loneliness. But I did learn to be more aware. That learning process had ups and downs of clarity that has built into better choices, most of the time.

“Love the things about yourself as you realize them. Appreciate your good fortune: beautiful, talented, a voice to hear, playful intellect, friends who cherish you and most importantly, listen to you and converse with you.

“I have disappointing moments, also. The thing is, they are moments. And between those moments of other aspects of life including loving and being loved. Trust your inner power; allow it to be in all moments. I can't stop myself from having new expectations, but I can trust that they will change and I may be fortunate enough to go with the flow from love, to fear, to anxious, to powerless, to comfort.  I can't control it, but I can trust, sometimes, that I will have the grace to continue.”

 

A tear streamed down your cheek. “Wow, Jozef. Thank you. You’ve always been the voice of reason. That was, wow, I mean…” You sniffed and wiped your eyes.

“Need a hug?”

“Yeah, but hold on a sec, I think my foot just pissed itself.”

Zef, who’d used way more times than you had, laughed at your foolish statement. “Okay kiddo, I think you better go lie in the shade with some headphones. Have you had a moment’s rest since you took the stuff?”

You shook your head. “Woo. Dizzy.”

“Go lie down, (Y/N). You’ve had a big day.”

Obeying your friend, you sat under a tree and listened to “And You And I” by Yes. When you opened your eyes again, Dangerfield was finally there and getting ready for their next set. You smiled and took off the headphones to hear them while you looked at your phone, at Dan’s number. Your thumbs were thinning and freckling and turning a light shade of lavender--

_Ha ha. Purple._

\--but the number was real. That had been no hallucination. And that was nothing short of spectacular. How were you getting away with this? You wanted to tell yourself it had to be a trick the universe was gonna play on you, but Zef’s wisdom had seeped into you. Safety. Nordic Honey went onstage again, this time with the official mandolin player. When you watched them, fiddling Zef appeared to be floating on a light breeze.

“Even if this doesn’t work out, I still got people like him to help keep me in check,” you whispered to yourself and closed your eyes to fly back into space. _I get by with a little help from my friends._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was shorter, but I believe it carried more substance than the previous two.  
> I promise the next chapter will not take place at Renfaire. We're moving on!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbS56p4Xt4I live version of "And You And I". I met Yes in 2013 and Alan White (drummer) called me "too pretty to be around rock stars". Oh sweetheart. <3  
> And if you're wondering what the instrument Steve Howe's playing at the beginning, it's a pedal steel guitar. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PvJy5zLUuo


	4. I Get Up, I Get Down

The stars were placidly glowing across an aubergine and iris sky in brilliant marigold, cerise, and turquoise. Free flames quivered in surrounding space, like the wings of a butterfly. They draped around and the sensation of being carried unto soft and forgiving clouds was smoother than the creamy skin of young virgins. In this perfect interval, there was a rush of angelic voices, one after another, coming together from riven dimensions to meet as one glorious aria, one opulent, luminous, magnificent, gargantuan, visceral, primeval battle cry when your lighter stopped working:

“ _Fuck you, you fucking fuck!_ ”

The stars of course, were nothing more than the string lights adorning your bedroom, which was decorated in such an extravagant psychedelic overdose that Timothy Leary would have found it vomitive. Wrapped in several tangerine tinted blankets that looked like fire, you rose from a sparkling sea of colorful pillows with tiny mirrors on them and sat up in your bed to look at the treacherous lighter. What a coitus interruptus. What a dogmatic curse.

“What a drag.”

You decided to leave the music running in the speakers while you made the trek downstairs and outside to the closest 7/11. One cheap Bic and a pack of string cheese later, you were out the automatic door and back on your merry way to the apartment. You lived alone, and when you moved in it felt terribly lonely, but after a few months you’d come to realize how nice it was using the bathroom whenever you wanted.

Just when you were ready to tuck into a lomtick of cheese, the phone rang. Putting the snack back in its packaging, you wondered if it was Dangerfield calling about the instrument sitting on your chair, the mandolin you’d “relieved him of” before leaving Renfaire. You sniggered, pulled the phone out of your pocket, and suddenly stopped walking.

The name on the screen read _Danny Sexbang_. It had been one day since you met Dan Avidan at the renaissance fair, and really didn’t expect any calls or texts for at least half a week. But there he was. You answered.

“Hey, Dan! What’s up?”

“(Y/N), hello! You doing okay? No freakouts? I mean, I’ve heard acid is a crapshoot.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve never had a bad trip on it. I’m fine, just kinda… quote-unquote hungover. Like when you smoke too much weed and you feel super foggy the next day.”

“I can relate to that. Drink plenty of water and go rest up and-- _fuck_ , sorry, Arin, sorry!”

You could hear Arin frantically (but not rudely) shouting something at Dan from across the room, then Dan laughing. “Uhhh… what’s going on?” You asked.

“Well, it’s the real reason why I called. We’re in somewhat of a tiny crisis here and need your help.”

You turned the key and opened the door to your apartment, going straight to the living room couch. The apartment wasn’t very big putting the kitchen and parlor in the same room. “Ooh, a crisis. Love a good crisis. How may I assist?” You threw the package of string cheese towards the kitchen counter. It hit a wall and smacked against the floor.

“What was that?”

“Flying cheese. So what kinda crisis are we talking about?”

“It’s some videos, the files are corrupted or some shit, so we just got all this raw footage and nothing to upload to the channel. Matt and Ryan are on vacation and no one else we know is available or in town. I’m really sorry to have you turn into a last minute plan a second day in a row, and you’re probably exhausted but I remembered you told me yesterday that you’ve known how to edit since you were thirteen?”

You remembered that too.

_“So what can you do besides mandolin and guitar?”_

_“Well, I draw, write, crochet, and… oh yeah, taught myself video editing when I was like thirteen because I was a bored kid and thought I could get YouTube famous.”_

_“At thirteen? Fuck, I think you could. You should really consider making a channel, that is, if you haven’t already.”_

“You want me to edit some Game Grumps videos?”

“Only a few. And I’ll be there to help you out, if you need it, that is. It’s not like we’re gonna dump a bunch of files on your head and take off. Please, (Y/N)?”

“Dude, of _course_ I’ll help you out.”

“Oh thank fuck.”

“ _She said YESSSS!_ ” Arin cried in the background. Dan laughed, and you rushed to the bedroom, where you rummaged through the nightstand drawer.

_In her white lace, you could clearly see the lady sadly looking_

_Saying that she’d take the blame for the crucifixion of her own domain_

_I get up, I get down_

_I get up, I get down_

“Should I drive over there now? I’m just looking for a pen so I can write down the address. Wh-wh-what’s the address?”

“Oh don’t worry, I’ll pick you up. You shouldn’t be driving all hungover and stuff.”

“Awesome, thank you. I’ll text you my address.”

“Don’t thank me, I’m the one asking you for a huge favor. Thank _you_ , (Y/N).”

“It’s no sweat, really man, I enjoy doing nice things for nice people.”

_Two million people barely satisfy_

_Two hundred women watch one woman cry, too late_

_The eyes of honesty can achieve_

_How many millions do we deceive each day?_

_I get up, I get down_

_I get up, I get down_

A couple seconds of silence. “I hear music, what are you listening to?” You could hear the smile in his voice. You turned to the speakers, nearly having forgotten you’d left the music running.

_In charge of who is there in charge of me_

_Do I look on blindly and say I see the way?_

_The truth is written all along the page_

_How old will I be before I come of age for you?_

“Ah, this is ‘Close to the Edge’ by Yes. It’s the _I Get Up, I Get Down_ section.”

He hummed in response and you felt a rush of blood to your cheeks. Nearly nobody you knew was into your “weird shit”. Then the song peaked and the sound of loud organs made you snap out of a short-lived trance and lower the volume.

“ _Ah!_ If Rick Wakeman played in a cathedral, he’d blow the roof off. Text you the address, okay?”

“Yesss, yesss,” he hissed triumphantly, just like he would on the show. You often caught yourself using this mannerism, and wondered when Dan would eventually notice it. That is, if you ever saw him after editing these videos.

“See you soon, Danny.”

“Thanks again, see ya!”

You immediately texted him and added landmarks so he could spot your place properly, just in case the satnav bugged out. Then you spent the rest of the time putting on fresh clothes, picking up the cheese that fell all over the kitchen, and looking for the mandolin pendant. Turns out it had been around your neck all day; you hadn’t removed it, not even to shower or sleep. You twirled the little thing between your fingers with a smile, remembering how Dan, who barely knew you, bought you a present. He who trusted you to do video editing for Game Grumps. He who was just outside your building.

“ _Your Uber driver is here =D_ ”, read Dan’s text. You smirked.

“ _My chariot awaits! I’ll be right there_ ”

After getting your backpack, opening the door and hesitating, you went to grab Dangerfield’s mandolin, right next to your own, which was (sadly) busted. You put the stolen--

_I mean, borrowed._

\-- _borrowed_ instrument in your backpack and bolted. Dan was outside the gate, and he grinned when he saw you.

“Hi!”

“ _Hi Dan!_ ” You said in his dad Avi’s voice, a bubbly Israeli accent. He chuckled. “I’m sorry,” you said. “Just slipped out. I _love_ it when you tell Avi stories on Game Grumps.”

“I love telling them, he’s a gem.”

You both got in the car. Dan started the engine and you propped your backpack up on your lap.

“Thank you _so_ much for saying yes. We literally had nobody else.”

“Hey, I’m happy to help. I always liked editing. I remember one semester in… 10th grade, when the dude--I mean teacher was showing us how to do video editing but I was ahead of everyone by a few years. It was a 180 turn from the previous semester, when I was the only dummy who couldn’t make a website on HTML. Got the only A on my editing final.”

“Really? What did you do?”

“I made the teacher laugh.”

“Aah,” he smiled. “Yeah, that’ll often do it. So what happened in your edit?”

“Well, we were given the same clips of a family on vacation, and we had to use the stuff we’d been taught. Simple shit, like transitions, music, and a few green screen things. But while my classmates were making these Frankensteined videos of a happy family on vacation, I explored the program and found the sound samples and special effects.”

“Okay, lemme guess. It starts out like a normal vacation but then you put the family through an acid trip until it turned into like, amorphous shapes and weird colors?”

“Ha ha! Nah, Dan. Didn’t take drugs in high school, I waited a few years, least till I moved to the States.”

“Oh, you’re not from here? But your accent is perfect.”

“I grew up in South America of all places, and my dad’s American. That’s why I sound like I’m from California.”

“Wow, how long have you been living here?”

“Three years. Just hit my anniversary last week.”

“Well congratulations, (Y/N). So, you finished high school… when?”

“Are you trying to figure out my age, Sir Dan?”

“Well, it’s that, I, uh… You just look _super_ young and I just assumed you’re over eighteen after… talking with you yesterday and stuff. Also it’s two in the afternoon on a Monday. If you were a high school kid, you’d be at fuckin’ school.”

“So how old do I look?”

“Sixteen,” you said in unison.

“Woah,” he said. “You must get that a lot.”

“Yeah. I was at my friend’s family barbeque, and his grandpa thought I was thirteen. I had to show him my driver’s license before he let me take a hard lemonade from the cooler.”

“You’re old enough to drink?”

“Hey man, you’re thirty-nine and you look fucking spectacular. When I first saw you on Game Grumps I thought you were like… twenty-five.”

“Aw, that’s nice. You’re spectacular too, by the way.”

You made a happy chuckle, and the car stopped at a red light. There was a moment of silence.

“…Well… To be honest, part of what made you seem so young were the constant stream of peepee and poopoo jokes--”

You both then laughed hysterically at the red light, alarming the drivers in the lanes beside you. You finally caught your breath when the light turned green, Dan was okay, he was still laughing a little because you were in stitches.

“Oh my God, are you okay, (Y/N)?”

“ _It’s just…_ ” you breathed in a few more times. “It’s your laugh, it makes _me_ laugh!”

“Oh!” he laughed again, but not in his loud, Dan way.

“And I’m gonna be twenty-three this year.”

“I _never_ would’ve guessed. You’ve got some weird fountain of youth genes or whatever crawling inside.”

“Thanks man, you too.”

Dan grinned. “Oh right, right, what actually happened in your edit?”

“I’ve got the actual video on Facebook, I’ll show it to you when we’re… stationary.”

“Sweet.”

“Do you mind if I turn on the radio? Does this have Sirius XM?”

“Yeah, there’s the button. We’re gonna be there in like three minutes, though.”

“It’s too bad the Pink Floyd channel is gone, but…”

You turned the dial to The Beatles channel and caught the very beginning of “I Saw Her Standing There”.

_One, two, three, four!_

“Yessss!” You hissed. “I’m eleven again.”

You sang over the lyrics.

_Well she was just seventeen_

“Well she was just twenty- _threeee!_ ”

Dan smiled.

_If you know what I mean_

“Arin says _I’m gonna pre!_ ”

You both laughed hysterically and sang the rest of the song unaltered. Dan didn’t notice until the middle of the solo that you’d opened your backpack and had been playing along on mandolin.

“ _Holy shit!_ ”

He’d already parked, but he watched you play and sing the last thirty seconds with an admiring look.

“… _Now I’ll never dance with another, ooh, when I saw her standing there, oh, since I saw her standing there…_ ” You glanced at Dan and he was grinning. You looked away with a shy smile and finished the song. “ _Yeah, well since I saw her standing there_ …”

You looked at Dan again and he was still smiling, but there was a new look in his eyes. “Wow,” he said. “I can’t believe you’re the _backup_ mandolin player. You’re really cool, you know that?”

“Well yeah I can play mandolin, but… come on, you took the words _my dick’s a spark of hope_ and put them in a song that’s like the Bohemian Rhapsody of comedy music, _and_ you sang everything like a fucking angel.”

“Well then if I’m an angel I don’t know what deity that makes you. But really, you’re an amazing musician, and not just for your age, which was what, nine?”

“Fuck you, Sexbang!”

He laughed and opened the car door. “Come on, you gotta prep for surgery. You’re gonna make some videos come to fucking _life!_ ”

 

A few minutes later, in the meeting room, you showed your edit to the Grumps after Arin had asked if you had any work samples. They were met with a twenty second video of a family in a canoe. In the original video it was a sunny day, but with a little magic you’d darkened the image and added in fog and rain. Suddenly a bolt of lightning struck the young daughter and the screen went white with a flash and the sounds of rubble.

Dan and Arin were dying.

“ _WHAT THE FUCK!_ ” Arin screamed.

The video wasn’t over. After that was a clip of what was supposed to be the two children waving from inside a barn, but you’d slowed it down, added grayscale, and sad piano music. It gently zoomed in on the daughter until a freeze frame showed her smiling face for a few seconds. The video faded to black.

When Arin finally regained some composure, Dan was still choking on his own air supply. “ _Dan_ ,” Arin said. “Can we _fire_ Matt and Ryan and have her for-fucking- _ever?_ ”

Dan looked up, red in the face, and clasped your shoulder. “Let’s get you to the editing bay.”

 

Later that evening, after powering through an episode of _Mario_ _kart_ , the first episode of the _Leisure Suit Larry_ remake, and the finale of _Doki Doki Literature Club_ , Arin gave you a fat thank you hug before Dan took you home. What a fucking day. You were beyond exhausted, but felt like a million bucks. He parked a little down the street, and walked you the rest of the way.

“I still can’t believe you played a concert on acid yesterday and edited three fucking videos during a hangover. You are golden. You’re a fucking star, girl.”

“ _We are stardust, we are golden, we are ten billion old carbon_ …” you sang in response.

“What’s that one?”

“Mm, “Woodstock” by Joni Mitchell, but I really prefer Crosby, Stills & Nash.”

“No Young?”

“He wasn’t there just yet. Did you know that when they played at Woodstock, it was only their second time performing live together?”

“Yeah, yeah! I read about that somewhere, or maybe I heard them say it in the Woodstock documentary.”

“Yeah, right after “Judy Blues Eyes”. I fucking love that version of that song. It’s so perfect, and… so sad. It’s about the realization that your relationship is about to end. Ehehe… I actually discovered it a few days before _I_ got dumped, but, let’s not talk about that. You think the videos were okay? Seamless? Nobody will notice it wasn’t Matt and Ryan?”

“Did _you_ notice when Barry wasn’t editing?”

You paused for a moment. No, you didn’t. And the lovelies wouldn’t notice it had been your work. There were even a few times in each video where Dan or Arin asked Matt and Ryan to put up a photo of something stupid, like Ross’s face.

“Touché,” you mumbled, and let out a big yawn. Dan giggled.

“Can I ask what you were doing before I came to pick you up?”

“… _Never_ picked me up…”

“Huh?”

You bent over to literally pick up a rock. “I just picked up this rock. You _never_ picked me up!”

“Well if that’s how you feel, smartass!” And he wrapped his arms around you and raised you off the ground. You gasped as you were met face to face with Dan’s stubbly face and scarred eyebrow. His hair smelled like it hadn’t been washed in a couple of days, but you knew that if he did it frequently it would get frizzy and dry. It didn’t matter. All you could see and feel were his dark, friendly eyes and that gorgeous smile, which slowly faded into the same expression he gave you yesterday when you were singing to him on a hay bale at Renfaire.

_Is he… is he going to?_

You couldn’t take it anymore. But you didn’t want to be too forward. You leaned in, and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. His stubble felt a little funny, but when your lips made contact, it was still a great feeling. When you leaned back, he was smiling at you. Then he tossed you up a bit, making you do a funny squeak, and he carried you over his shoulder like a fireman.

“Let’s get you home, babygirl.”

_Babygirl. He called me the thing. He did the thing._

“So what _were_ you doing before I came here in my car to get you in the car and take you to the office?” he reiterated.

“Nnmmmnn… I was about to light up…”

Dan laughed musically. “Of course you were.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that edit with the girl being struck by lightning is real. I really did that.  
> I have no evidence of the new LSL being on Game Grumps/Steam Train. I just love it when Dan plays Larry games.


	5. Hey I'm Grump?

_“Thanks for helping us out today, you rock! Sweet dreams.”_

That was the text Dan sent you thirty minutes after leaving you at your building. He didn’t ask to come upstairs, and you didn’t ask him if he wanted to. You really wanted to jump his bones, but something in you said it wasn’t right, not yet, he just met you.

It had been two days since you texted each other goodnight. During that time, you soberly wrote all Tuesday, and the following day, Dangerfield called having finally realized that you’d stolen--yes, the word he used was _stolen_ \--his mandolin. So you went to drop it off.

“C’mon, (Y/N). Get yours fixed.”

“It’s beyond repair, I’d have to get a new one. That’s a thousand fucking dollars.”

The price of musical instruments was so discouraging. You once saw a bassoon worth $20,000. No wonder music went electronic, it’s so expensive to be a musician. You left Dangerfield’s place with a lump in your heart. You yearned to play again. You still had your guitar, so that would have to do. When you got in your car, there was a buzz in your pocket.

A new text from Dan: _“Hey, do you wanna have lunch with us at the office? Arin and Suzy are gonna be here.”_

_“I can never turn down food. I’ll definitely go :) Were the videos okay?”_

_“Yeah, you did a great job. I like your skills. I’ll pick you up at two-ish”_

_“See you then, Danny”_

You put the phone down and thought for a moment, realizing he really was interested in getting to know you or something. But maybe just to be friends. The prospect of this made your gut feel funny, because it’s hard being friends with someone you really like. But then you thought it was better than not knowing him at all. A friendship with Dan Avidan _had_ to be fun. Maybe he wanted that.

_Maybe he just wants to fuck._

You made your mind go blank before overthinking things. You tried doing this a lot, especially since what had happened to you last year.

_Everything is gonna be fine, I mean, it’s lunch. It’s food!_

You thought about what you’d be having, and drove home feeling excited for the afternoon. A few hours later, Dan texted that he was outside, and he asked if you could bring your mandolin again. You said you’d busted yours, and the one he’d seen belonged to “the real mandolinist”, but Dan was still happy when he saw you walk out with a guitar case on your back.

 

Back at the office kitchen, you made pizza with Arin, Suzy, and Dan, who eagerly gave you a tour of most of the place beforehand. He didn’t show you the Grump room, which you were secretly itching to see. You decided to wait. Putting toppings of their choice on the pies, they watched you tune your guitar. You’d finished making your pizza first, so it felt appropriate to start playing music.

“What are you gonna play for us? Suzy asked.

“Probably some Jethro Tull.”

“ _Sitting on a park bench!_ ” Arin shouted. “ _I dunno the words except park bench!_ ”

“Ha ha, no, not ‘Aqualung’. I’m thinking…” You took out the capo and put it on the third fret. “Yeah, I think this one will be good.”

You played “Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day”, a song you thought was about moving forward in life during times of hardship and dealing with your reality and inner confusion. It was also quite pretty. Then it got to your favorite part.

 

_Do you ever feel that the story’s too damn real_

_And in the present_

_Tense_

You looked at Dan and locked eyes.

  _Or that everybody’s on the stage,_

_And it seems like you’re the only_

_Person sitting in the audience_

 

After finishing the song, your new friends (you knew they were now, you just knew it) clapped. Arin got shredded mozzarella all over the counter. Suzy handed him a rag with a _here you go, babe_ and he cleaned his mess while you put down the guitar and talked directly to Dan.

“That was the first song in our set at Renfaire. I wish you’d been there to hear us play it, we were so tight.”

“Trust me, I also wish I’d been there earlier. But I’m glad I got there in time to meet you.”

You really liked him, and he made it all too easy. It constantly felt like he was flirting, but he didn’t really go past that, except when he literally picked you up the other night. Either Dan was the nicest man on the planet, or he was trying to see if you liked him. But why would he play games like that?

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Dan said, walking away.

“I’m gonna go help him,” Arin said, following him while Dan laughed. Arin instead went towards his office. You were left in the kitchen with Suzy, who was just finishing her pizza.

“So do you study, or do you work as an editor, or…?”

“Yeah, I’m in college. I’m on spring break now, though. And I work too, but not as an editor, even though that would be fun. But actually, I’m a writer.”

“Oh wow, cool! What kind of writing?”

“I wrote a horror novel and published it last year. It was more successful than I expected, so that’s why I can afford to live alone. I’m working on a new book now. It’s about two friends who do a road trip around California in 1967 to document the hippie movement and have drug-induced misadventures.”

“Oh, _that’s_ why you were tripping at Renfaire! It was research.”

“Yeah, kinda! I mean, a lot of the book is gonna be based on my experiences on drugs and friends I’ve taken drugs with. It’s sort of an introspective forgiveness letter to myself.”

Suzy was waiting for you to explain.

“Well, the book’s also going to deal with one of the worst kinds of pain, heartbreak. I got dumped last January and it was pretty harsh. I thought it would be a good idea to write about that too. I mean, I’m way better than I was, but it still feels sad.”

You heard Dan come out of the bathroom and walk away, calling for Arin. Suzy’s catlike blue eyes followed his voice until they focused back on your eyes.

“You know, I think Dan likes you.”

“Like?” You suddenly whispered. “You mean, _like_ like?”

She nodded. “Mm-hm. He kept talking about you at Renfaire, and he was really excited about bringing you over here today. _And_ the way he looks at you.”

“Doesn’t he always look happy?”

Suzy rolled her eyes. “Well, yeah. Ha ha ha! But there’s something different about him, and I think he’s got a little crush on you.”

“ _Oh._ ”

Suzy laughed when you made an absurd smile and then Dan called your name from across the floor. You jumped off the stool and ran off, looking for him. When you were about to go through a door, he came out and bumped into you, making you fall backwards.

“ _Aah!_ No!” he yelled before catching you. “Ha ha, saved your life. You owe me one.”

“One what? A 1-UP?” You grabbed a 1-UP plushie from a shelf and pressed it into Dan’s face. Letting you go, he quickly shook his head, making the curls fly everywhere. He chuckled at you.

“Wanna see the Grump Room?”

You didn’t even have to answer. He could read the cheerful desire in your expression. You followed him past the booth into the infamous room, and there was the couch, and all kinds of monitors, and big microphones, and more videogames than you’d ever seen in your life. You had no words.

“What do you think?”

You looked around slack-jawed for a second before turning back to Dan. “ _You can call it the unexpected or you can call it… wow._ ”

Dan smiled and looked through the games. “So, since we’re waiting for the pizzas, I was wondering if you’d like to play something.”

“Yeah, yeah dude. Anything in particular?”

“It’s your choice. You name it, we probably got it.”

“Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. It’s one of my favorite games _ever._ ”

“We played that on the show one time.” He looked for the game.

“I know, I was disappointed it didn’t become a series. But I absolutely _loved_ it when you made a Genesis reference in like the first video. You were talking about Peter Gabriel, and it made me so fuckin’ happy! Back when I saw that, I had no idea you were a progressive rock fan.”

“I’m really surprised _you_ are, what do the normal kids like these days?”

“Goddammit I’m not a kid!” you laughed.

“I’m just teasing ya,” he said with a cute grin. “But it’s really cool to have someone new to talk to about that stuff with. Oh cool, here it is. Castlevania.”

“Fuck yeah. Wait, no!”

“What?”

“No, this is wrong, I want to play a game _with_ you. Something two-player. Can we play Mario Kart or something? Sorry I changed my mind like that!”

“That’s okay! But, Mario Kart? You sure you want us to hate each other?

“ _Ha!_ Come on, Sexbang. You’re not up for a challenge?”

“Oh, don’t get cocky now. That’ll ultimately _be your doom!!_ ” he cried out as he snatched _Mario Kart 8 Deluxe_ and hopped over to get it in the Switch. Then you sat on the couch and he handed you the red controller.

 

Never in the space of so little time had you heard so many variations of the word Fuck. It was getting heated and you kept insulting each other, but you were having a damn good time. At one point the room was silent and you, as Luigi, dodged a barking Chomp Chain that pulled out whenever someone got close. Two seconds later, you heard barking again and Toad was toppled over as Dan asked, “What the fuck is this dog’s problem?” You both laughed.

“Just let it happen, Dan. Let the Chomp eat the magic mushroom.”

“Your Luigi will never beat my weaponized mushroom cloud.”

“ _Help me, Maaario!_ ” You said in Luigi’s voice. “ _I’m Luigi. Luigi Mario, of the Mario Brothers_.”

Dan laughed. Your impression was spot-on.

“ _Daniel, do you want-a me to tell you a story?_ ”

“Yeah, sure, Luigi.”

“ _One day, I go to Malta to_ \--FUCK!”

Dan had thrown a red shell and it hit you at the _perfect_ time. You and Dan laughed hysterically, it felt just like being in an episode of Game Grumps. When you caught your breath, you nasally shouted, still in character, “ _You fucking ASSHOLE!_ ”

“Oh my God. That was the biggest _fuck_ that’s been said since we started playing this. Like that one felt very real.”

You were still laughing. Then you finally continued speaking in an exaggerated Italian accent.

“One day, I go to Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress _I wanna two pissis toast_. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. _So go to the toilet_ , she say. I say, _you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate_. She say _you better no piss onna plate, you sonnava beetch!_

“Later I go to eat at a bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me _everyone wanna fock_. I tell her _you no understand, I wanna fock on the table_. She say _you better not fock on the table, you sonnava beetch_.

“So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say _you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed_. He say _you better not shit onna bed, you sonnava beetch_.

“I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: _Peace on you_. I say _piss on you too, you sonnava beetch, I going back to Italia!_ ”

Dan laughed. “ _Aw fuck!_ ”

“Yeah!”

You beat Dan to the finish line. He went silent for a few seconds and shut his eyes. “You aggravating little thing. You won’t be so lucky next time. But do you want to try something a little more relaxing now? You’ve got this _craaaazy_ look in your eyes,” he said, teasing you. You swatted his shoulder.

“Sure. Show me what you got.”

He thought for a moment. “I know, I think you’ll like this.” After a few seconds of looking on a shelf, he found a game and put it in the PS4.

 

_Wow. So pretty._

The game in question was _Journey_ , and while you didn’t have much of a grasp on the story or plot, if there was any, your entire focus was on the art and graphics. They were so warm and inviting. You controlled a red-robed figure through a golden desert full of ruins. You didn’t really care about advancing as much as you wanted to run around and pretend you were there. It looked like something out of a sci-fi novel, one you would’ve loved to write.

“Having fun?” Dan asked.

“ _So_ much. You wanna take over?”

He smiled and grabbed the controller; looked back at the screen. You watched Dan, who couldn’t see you looking at him--his hair was in the way of his peripheral vision. And you couldn’t believe how nice he was, or that he still wanted to see you and even play with you. Your family and friends were great people, but Dan… you hadn’t seen kindness like that since…

_Since him._

You quickly shook your head to try and get the idea to fall out of your mind. Nothing could possibly spoil this day for you. Playing videogames with Dan Avidan. Having pizza with the Grumps. You smiled at Dan even though he couldn’t see you. He talked even though you didn’t listen to what he was saying. And finally, you heard music when there was none, other than the game soundtrack.

_How have you been, my darling children_

_While I have been away in the West?_

_Though you are strangers_

_I feel that I know you_

_By the way that you treat me and offer to feed me_

_And eagerly ask if I’ll stay for a rest_

 

Scootching in a little, you slowly leaned in to rest your head on Dan’s shoulder. Your heart was beating right through your ribs, and it fluttered when you got a whiff of his hair, which was washed. Dan smelled like a dream.

 _I bet he can hear my fucking heart_ , you thought. _I bet even Arin and Suzy can hear it_.

“ _Hey guys!_ ” It was Suzy’s voice.

 _Aah!_ You froze and felt something sickly in your throat. _They_ can _hear it! Fuck me!_

Dan paused the game and got up. “Pizzas must be ready. C’mon!” He took your hand and pulled you off the couch. You sighed.

 

 _“Sup Zef, I hung out with Dan in the fucking Grump room today.”_ Zef wasn’t online yet, but he’d see your text at some point. You put the phone away.

Lying in bed that night, you decided to smoke a bowl and stare at the starry string lights above you. Your playlist was on shuffle, and “I’m Not in Love” by 10CC was the next song to play. You found it ironic, but didn’t switch the song. It was too pretty, and the guy was _definitely_ in love. But you didn’t know how Dan felt, or if Suzy was right. But she’d known Dan for years, so she probably knew what she was talking about.

_Just calm down. Be quiet. Big boys don’t cry. Big boys don’t cry._

You took a deep drag and breathed in until your throat burned, finally exhaling a white plume of smoke and watching the air absorb it.

The realization that Dan liked you had come in delayed, as if Suzy telling you had been the droplet of acid on your tongue, and now, much later, the contents were coming alive. But you’d been disappointed many times, and were still a little wary of the situation. You’d put so much trust in your past relationship and when it failed, it crushed your heart and nearly all your hopes. It had taken you more than half a year to get fixed up, and there was no way that you’d be so careless to piss everything away.

_But Dan just feels different. He’s older, he’s been around. He seems… with it. Like he figured out some formula for happiness. I think I deserve that kind of stability._

Your phone buzzed, and predictively, it was a text from Dan.

_“Hey, speed racer. Matt and Ryan are coming back on Friday, and I told them about you and how you saved our asses, and sent them that brutal video you showed me. They want to meet you!”_

_“Oh wow, I’m getting popular around the office.”_

_“You sure are! So, can you make it on Friday?”_

_“Sorry, I’ve got plans, gonna jam with my friend Zef and watch a movie. But I’m free on Saturday?”_

_“That works too =D goodnight”_

_“Night, Danny”_

_“By the way, I’m not showing you any mercy next time we play a Mario game.”_

_“I am soooooo scared.”_

No messages came after that and you put the phone on the nightstand, taking the pipe back in your hand and lighting it, listening to “Fearless” by Pink Floyd. The awful grassy flavor permeated and then was replaced by an aftertaste of… grapes.

_Tastes like purple._

You smirked when the phone buzzed, thinking it was Dan, come back to banter. But it was only Zef, responding to your earlier text: _“Did you fuck on the couch”_

 _“Alas”_ you replied.

_“Oh”_

Feeling tired, the phone was put on silent mode and tucked away, as you did yourself, turning off the lights but leaving on the music. Eyes shut, wondering about Daniel, and his intentions. He was sweet. He was funny. He was kind. You found it hard to believe that anything awful could happen.

_I wonder what will come of this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zq-bcFOI56E
> 
> How Have You Been: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjnAY8LuR6g
> 
> Genesis with Peter Gabriel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X_3yOUKSOc
> 
> Thank you for your comments! I really appreciate that you're loving this silly thing, I know I sure do. For the next chapter, we get a time jump.


	6. One of Us

You didn’t know how it happened. You didn’t know why it was you and not someone else, someone with more status and reputation, but you never questioned it. Why not?

_Because this is too much fun._

Somewhere in your first month knowing the Grumps, they approached you with an offer: to edit when Matt and Ryan weren’t there. It started out as only a rare event, but now after two months, they were so busy with SuperMega that now _you_ were the main editor. And you knew this when you were editing and for the first time, Dan asked _you_ , not Matt or Ryan, to put up a picture of something. It was after this when you went to the Grumps and asked them what was going on.

So that was how you became part of the family. People didn’t know who you were, but after hearing your name and a few references from Dan, Arin, and Ross on the shows, some fans got curious and started making demands. They wanted an introduction video.

So you were scheduled to make one with the guys in a week. Right now, you had another matter to take care of. It was your birthday.

 

In the middle of editing a video, the door to Ross’s office opened behind you. The Australian popped his head out and said your name.

“What’s up, Ross?”

“Come in here a sec.”

“You’re not gonna trap me in there, are you?”

“Maybe.”

You blinked and got up, then entered the little office. He had his drawing tablet on, and a new file open in some art program.

“So, you’re gonna be doing that introduction video in a week, and well… wow, I didn’t think that a fan I met a year ago at Renfaire would become our new editor.”

“Hey, neither did I.”

“You’re one of us now, and I just wanted to, for your birthday--you get to draw your own Grump head.”

“What? Really? I get a Grump head?”

“Yeah. And I did my own, and your drawings are amazing. I thought you’d like to do this yourself rather than have Arin do it.”

“Yes! Yes, this is so fucking awesome. But I did really wanna see how Arin would draw me. You know, it’s funny, I draw everyone but I’ve never seen anyone draw me.”

“Well, trust me when I tell you that there will probably be fan art coming your way.”

You sat down and quickly drew a Grump caricature of your likeness. You’d already done this before, back when you were only a fan. The little head held the opposite of your expression, which was contentment. There was so much pride in you.

“Happy Birthday, (Y/N),” Ross said, saving the drawing. He got up to leave. “See you tonight.”

“See ya.”

Later that afternoon you met Zef and older friends for a birthday lunch, but at night, you were meeting Arin, Suzy, Ross, Holly, and Dan at your apartment for dinner and video games. Dan and Arin had been gone for some time on tour, visiting the west and east coast. Yesterday they circled back from the east to San Diego and returned home late this morning. But for some reason, you hadn’t seen or heard from Dan all day, to the point where you wondered if something was wrong and he wasn’t going to show up at your apartment. But Arin was totally sure that he would.

_Still, what the hell is he doing?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive the shortness of this chapter. Got something special coming up ;)


	7. Care; Cure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy NSFW warning. You stayed for the plot, but here's what y'all really came for.

He’s fifteen minutes late and arrives breathless at your apartment after running up three flights of stairs. Dan isn’t an athlete. He’s holding a box wrapped in beautiful paper that resembles a close-up of a soap bubble.

“(Y/N)! Happy Birthday… I’m really sorry I’m late, but…”

“Hey it’s okay,” you say, letting him come in. “What happened? I didn’t hear from you--”

“Oh, you guys are not gonna believe this. I mean, Arin already knows.”

“Yeah listen to this,” Arin says. “This sucked.”

“So I got (Y/N)’s present in New York and have just been carrying it around everywhere until we got to San Diego. Then we drove back up here this morning, and then I realized that I left her fucking present back at the hotel.”

“Oh my God.”

He looks at you. “So I drove all the way back, and I’m really lucky I got it. Then I had to drive another two hours over here and wrap it and--”

You don’t let him finish talking. You take the box from his hands, set it on the floor, and hug him. Tightly. He wraps his arms around you.

“ _Awww_ ,” says Holly.

“Gross,” says Ross.

You giggle, and let go of Dan, meeting your smiling face with his. “Thank you, Danny. I’m gonna open it right now.”

You carefully unwrap the paper, not wishing to tear it. You’ll find a use for it as a new decoration or something in the bedroom. The box underneath isn’t a box, but a case. And the word printed in the case reads _Gretsch_. You stop breathing.

“What is it?” Suzy asks.

You open the case and find yourself kneeling before a Gretsch mandolin. You have no words.

“Is it good?” Dan asks.

_I have no words._

You take the mandolin and tune it as everyone stares at you fiddling around with this instrument, until you finally produce a song from it, the beginning of “I’ve Seen All Good People”. Your friends smile and laugh at how pleased you look with Dan’s gift. He’s smiling proudly, and you reward him with another hug, and several big kisses on the cheek.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” you say, a kiss for each _thank you_. He’s laughing.

“Get a room,” Ross mumbles into a pillow, shielding himself from the spectacle. This time you don’t let go of Dan, not for a few more seconds. When you finally break from the hug, you look at him and realize he’d shaved before coming over. And his face had felt smooth and fresh under your lips, a complete contrast from the last time you kissed him, which was when--

_I wish he’d pick me up again. I wish he’d kiss me already. I wish I could get the chance to do it myself!_

You spend the evening having fun with everyone by the TV, playing games like Super Smash Bros. Melee and devouring your favorite foods. But you can’t shake the thought of Dan. You bring out the cake and they sing you the stupid song. But you can’t shake the thought of Dan. Ross and Holly leave soon after having cake, each giving you a hug before going.

“I’m really glad we met you,” Holly says into the hug. You chuckle and tell her likewise, but you still can’t shake the thought of Dan and what he did for you.

After about half an hour, your jugular is pounding and you can’t take it anymore. You know what you have to do.

“Be right back,” you say, going to your room and immediately taking out the phone. Pausing for a moment, you think about how you’re gonna word your thoughts in a text. Of course, Suzy already knew. She’d known the longest. This was going to be easy to say.

_“I don’t want to kick you and Arin out, but I really want to be alone with Dan, if you know what I mean.”_

_“It’s finally happening?”_

_“Yes. I’m gonna try anyway.”_

There’s silence, and then Suzy laughs before sending the next text.

_“Arin says you could cut the sexual tension with a cracker.”_

You rush out of the room and find only Arin and Suzy on the couch. They look at you with silly, innocent smiles.

“Dan’s in the bathroom,” Suzy whispers, taking her bag off the floor. Arin gets off the couch and smiles when he walks over to hug you. Then you feel him move to your ear and he says: “Destroy his asshole, sister.” You chortle and hug him tighter. Suzy joins.

The bathroom door opens, and they let go of you when Dan walks out. He sees Suzy holding her bag and says, “Oh, are you guys leaving? Arin, I was about to beat you!”

“No such thing,” Arin says, walking to the door with his wife. “Happy Birthday, (Y/N)!”

“See you guys! Happy Birthday!”

You say bye to them and wait to shut the door before turning to Dan, who’s standing in the middle of your apartment like a thin and tall statue, in your eyes a better work of art than any Greek masterpiece. He was your definition of beautiful.

“Dan…” you begin. “That mandolin…”

“Oh, it was nothing. You said yours was broken, and I couldn’t stand not hearing you play. You’re too good to stop.”

You feel warmth spreading through your chest and a flickering sensation in your stomach. After smiling at him for a short moment, you say in a serene tone, “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

 

He follows you out the door and into the stairwell, up another story and onto the roof. It’s tiled with terracotta, and trellised on all but the west side of the building. This roof was meant to host little parties. During your first night up there, you’d discovered that--

“Oh wow!” Dan says, looking up. “You can see stars here.”

“Yeah, the building’s located away from too many lights, _and_ the trellises block out everything. So yeah, you come up here on a clear night, and…”

You look up too, silenced by the beauty of the cosmos. It’s nothing like what you could get in truly remote areas, but it was enough, and _fuck_ , for LA County?

“Like a tiny slice of heaven,” you say.

He hums in response. You’re at a loss of what to say next, realizing you didn’t really know what to do. But you got this far and were determined to go forward. You have Dan with you on the best roof in town. You’ve got to act.

“Do you mind if I play some music?” you get your phone out of your pocket.

“Oh, yeah, please.”

You selected a playlist and hit shuffle. A soft Led Zeppelin song comes on, probably “In the Light”, but you don’t pay much attention because you’re too focused on what you’re gonna say to Dan. But he goes first.

“I really do love your music, you know. And just about everything you’ve shown me, it’s like you were born in the wrong generation or some shit. You’re secretly older than I am, right?”

“I bathe in the blood of the young to keep this alabaster complexion,” you enunciate.

“ _Augh_ , that’s sick!”

You continue, giggling. “I only drink the finest breast milk.”

“Nooo! Stop! Ha ha ha!”

“What? You asked, dude.”

Dan chuckles, looking away and then back at you. “So… what happened today while I went on the journey to Mordor?”

“Oh God, Arin bumped into the Amiibos in the hallway and knocked a bunch of them over. Then when I was helping him pick ’em up, he suddenly stops and says, _You know what, (Y/N)? I wish, no, I WISH I could just shove all of these fucking Amiibos up my ass and projectile-fart them back in their cubbies._ ”

Dan throws his head back laughing. “What the fuck, Arin!”

“Dude, I was dying. He’s so fucking funny. You both are. You _all_ are, man! I’m… you have no idea how grateful I am to work and play with you. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had.”

He smiles, but says nothing. You walk to the west wall and sit on it, watching Dan gaze up at the stars for a bit before he joins you on the wall, where you take your pipe out of your pocket and get ready with the lighter.

“You don’t mind, right?”

He shakes his head, smiling. You’d smoked in front of him before. He never cared. The air is tense, there’s no doubting that, but you feel composed and trusting when you breathe out a cloud of smoke and look at the man on your right.

“Dan, there’s something I gotta say.”

“What’s up, Buttercup?”

You chew your lower lip and smile softly. “Two years ago, I went through the worst time of my life. I don’t really want to go into detail, because it’s still just so painful to talk about again, but eventually it all led up to me losing everything I had except my boyfriend, who I was _so_ happy with. I’d never felt like that in my life. But even though I tried and tried, I was too depressed and he dumped me, right before our anniversary, and…”

Dan just looks at you, waiting to hear the rest. You’re looking through your playlist for a song.

“I had nothing after that. And it took months to get past hating and harming myself. Last year, in May, I went to Renfaire and met Ross and Holly. Remember when I told you I asked them to show you some music?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Well, it’s this band called Moon Safari. They play symphonic prog, and since finding out what kind of music you like, I thought you’d enjoy them.”

You press the play button and a fantastic sound bursts out. The music is so cheerful and melodic that Dan closes his eyes and grins. This is the moment you wanted to see back when you tried passing the name of this band to him through Holly and Ross. You knew Dan would love them.

“ _This_ is what Ross forgot to show me a year ago?”

“Yep!”

“Goddammit, Ross.”

You laugh. “I love him, but goddammit.”

 

_New York, you’re my New York Summergirl_

_These days, won’t come round no more, I’m sure_

_So baby, let’s fall in love_

 

“Where’s this band from?”

“Up in northern Sweden.”

“Ah, no wonder they’re this good. That Swedish efficiency.”

 

_I’ve taken that long way round, to meet you in your prime,_

_Darling, just let your hair down low, baby, and dance like_

_You’ll dance no more_

 

You feel your eyes well up. “I’m really glad you like them, because… well, obviously it’s nice when other people like your shit, but it’s also because when I tried to recommend them to you through our dear friend Ross, it was my way of thanking you.”

“Thanking me?” he smiles a little.

“Yeah, you see, during those first months after the breakup, I did everything I could to feel better. Game Grumps helped a lot, and I know you get this a lot. The Wind Waker playthrough really spoke to me--well, _you_ really did, when you talked about how it was like for you when you were my age.”

He doesn’t speak. Dan’s hanging onto your every word, curious to hear what’s at the end of this sad story, sadder than he even knew. You continue after a brief drag on the pipe, and the song switches to the 8 track version of “Pigs on the Wing”, which featured a guitar solo that bound parts one and two together.

 

_If you didn’t care_

_What happened to me_

_And I didn’t care for you_

 

“A little later, I found a video of you guys on YouTube and I think it was in Dallas, one where you talked about suicide. And I listened.”

 

_We would zig-zag our way_

_Through the boredom and pain_

_Occasionally glancing up through the rain_

 

“And I listened over and over, watched it like three times, because I was…” Dan gets up and stands in front of you so you’re eye-to-eye. His dark orbs look understanding and concerned.

 

_Wondering which of the_

_Buggers to blame_

_And watching for pigs on the wing_

 

Your hand slips over his. “You saved my life, Dan.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I was pretty much ready to die… you saved me--”

Suddenly he takes you in his arms and you feel the most genuine hug of your life. It’s so overwhelming that you gasp and feel a weight lifted from a place deep inside you, something that was being harbored for way too long. Your arms find themselves around his neck, and before you know it you’re running your fingers through his hair. It smells like spring.

“I can’t believe that you… that I…” he’s struggling to find the right words.

 

_You know that I care_

_What happens to you_

_And I know that you care for me too_

 

“(Y/N), I’m really glad I met you, and… and I’m so fucking lucky,” his breath snags a little. “I saved _you_ ,” he says, letting go slightly. Your heart beats faster. “I’m trying to say something but I don’t know how.”

“Can you try?”

There are stars in your eyes when he meets your gaze of wide-eyed candor. You feel Dan’s hands lightly run up from their original place on your shoulders; they find their new home on your cheeks, rosy with warmth. He looks at you in awe for another second, and finally--

_Finally…_

His lips feel like silk gliding over yours. One hand still in his hair, you cup the nape of his neck in your other palm and pull him in closer, opening your mouth like an invitation while you enjoy his kiss. Dan breathes out a chuckle and now he’s holding your hips, pulling you in.

The Pink Floyd song was already long over and a new song had taken its place, a long instrumental called “Storm”, which, like the kiss, grew with passion and intensity. He nestles himself between your legs and in return, you press your breasts to his chest. Dan groans, and that’s when you feel his tongue move in, brushing against your lower lip before you open a little wider and entwine your tongue with his, stifling a moan.

You break the kiss, eyes still shut, and laugh breathlessly before planting another shorter kiss on his mouth, like a soft punctuation mark. You feel him smile before slowly pulling away from you.

“Wow…” he breathes. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”

“Yeah,” you murmur. “D’you think you wanna… do it again?”

Dan laughs, briefly looking at the sky, and picks you up off the wall. You’re so close to each other, just like the last time he held you this way. But now it feels like he knows what he’s doing. You turn off the music, deciding it was too intense, and wrap your arms around his neck. Your lips meet once more, and this time you can feel a profound surge of desire emanating from Dan. Just like your arms, your legs wrap around his body.

“ _Mmm_ ,” he hums, and breaks away to kiss down your jaw to the softest spot on your neck. You gasp when his teeth lightly bite the skin, and moan as you feel his tongue swirl over the area, digging your nails in his back.

“ _Dan…_ that’s _so_ good…”

He plants gentle kisses on your collarbone, a few fingers focused on pulling your shirt collar out of the way in order to sample more of your flesh. “Is that so?” His voice is low and sexy. Another kiss, back on your neck. His hair tickles your face, but you couldn’t possibly care less right now. You’re making out with Dan Avidan on a rooftop.

He looks at you and there’s still unquestionable friendliness in his face, but those dark eyes hold lust of a different measure. “Can’t wait to find out what else you like.”

Before he can lean in to kiss you again, you drop your legs from his waist and allow yourself to touch the tiled floor. “You know what, Dan?” you begin, with a mischievous smile. “I live _just_ downstairs.”

“Oh wow, you _do_.”

You grin and run to the rooftop door, racing back to your apartment with Dan. Within a minute you’ve reached the bedroom, discarded his T-shirt, and you’re on your tiptoes kissing him. You can feel him sliding his hands up your waist, deciding to break the kiss in order to remove your shirt. You do it yourself and peel off your sports bra along with the piece of fabric, which you toss on the floor as Dan stares at your chest. The mandolin pendant is hanging there, twinkling in the dim light.

“ _Fuck_ , look at you.” His hands are still on your waist, lightly caressing the skin with his thumbs.

“Just looking, are we?” you ask in response, tongue in cheek. “Or are you planning on-- _ahh_ …” You’re interrupted when he pulls you in by the pendant to gently play with your breasts, left thumb circling a nipple. He leans into your neck to leave a track of kisses.

“I love the sounds you make when I touch you,” he breathes near your ear. “So sensitive,” he pauses with a lick on your earlobe, making you shiver and lightly whine. “You’re like a trigger.”

He says this as his free hand is lightly treading the waistband of your jeans. You close your eyes. It feels hesitant, but playful.

“I’ve never been with someone… old and experienced,” you whisper, and he leans back, palms back on your waist. The tall man looks wet behind the ears, but he’s going on forty.

“You don’t think I’m too old for you, right? I just want to make sure you’re--”

“Does it _feel_ like I think that?” And unexpectedly, the palm of your hand is rubbing the bulge in his jeans.

“ _Hnnnnng…_ ” Dan moans with closed eyes, unconsciously letting go of you.

You stand on your toes and whisper to him: “ _I think you’re wearing too many clothes, Leigh._ ”

And with that, Dan wakes up and sheds his jeans faster than if they’d been on fire. You giggle when he basically pushes you on the bed and maneuvers up your body. Threading both hands in his hair to hold it back for his kisses, you feel a pulse in his boner through the fabric of his boxers as he slowly grinds against your jeans. Dan feels you try to get your hands between his body and the zipper, and getting the message, he lifts his body, resting on elbows and looking down at you with a wonderstruck and sly smile. He leans back to assist you in kicking off the last barriers, and for a moment he’s just on his knees seemingly admiring every inch of the warm-blooded body lying before him.

“How we doing up there, Avidan? Weather nice?”

He giggles. “You just look too goddamn good. Fuck. I want you, babygirl,” he mutters before dropping back down to his elbows and going in for a kiss. He’s grinding against you at a quicker pace, and you spread your legs to give him as much room as possible. Suddenly the bulge rubs hard against your clit and you make a high moan into his mouth, arching your back.

“You seem pretty keen,” he brings his lips to your breasts and gradually sucks on one of them, tongue playing with the nipple while his large right hand massaged the other breast with just as much appetite.

“Fuck, Dan, I think I can see steam rising from my hair.”

He laughs against your skin and continues trailing kisses down your belly, dragging his tongue against the sensitive areas around your waist. You curl your toes and through a broken groan, whisper his name in desperation. Fuck, he’s really good at this. Then you take his head between your thighs as he sweetly kisses them. He can feel you trying to lead him to your core, but he resists with a breathy chuckle.

“Baby, not yet, I’m having too much fun seeing you like this, hot and flustered,” he licks your inner thigh and parts your folds with his thumbs. “Wish you could see how wet you are.”

You fall back laughing a little and look at the starlit ceiling. “Is _this_ the magic of the famous Danny Sexbang?” you reprove. “You’re such a tease, can’t you see I’m-- _oh my God._ ” Your words are sliced through as Dan coats your entire pussy with his wet tongue and licks up.

“You were saying?” There’s a question in his dark, lustful eyes, but the answer is in your half-lidded gaze when you lean up to watch him bat the tip of his tongue over your clit. It’s true, he’d stimulated you enough to make every touch feel like the click of a button in your brain sending messages to your nerve endings. “You gonna let me take care of you?”

“Take care? Oh-- _fuck_ … you can set up a trust fund down there.”

He laughs over your wet skin. “Sounds like I’ve got plenty of investments to make.” With that, he continues his work on your dripping pussy. Legs spread as comfortably possible, you oblige him.

His pace is agonizingly slow for the first part, still not quite done with teasing you. For a while you’re relaxed and running your fingers through his hair, until his tongue stiffens and dips into your cunt, that’s when you tighten your grip in his wild mane. “ _Fuuuuck_ ,” you breathe after a sharp gasp.

Dan drives his tongue in and out of you twice before licking a stripe back up to your clit, and you swiftly rise with your lower back in a fraught attempt to fuck his mouth. He responds by slipping a long finger inside you and massaging the upper wall, sucking the pearl that garlands your entrance.

Then he powerfully tongues you in a clockwise motion and hums, either in his own pleasure or to create vibrations, and it _works_. Within a few seconds you’re internally squeezing yourself and twitching under the soft yet strong organ in his mouth. You feel the tide going in.

“God, _Danny_ , I’m--” your hand clasps over his free hand, which was previously holding your belly to steady you until he interlaced his fingers with your smaller, delicate ones. “I’m so close, _I’m so_ …” you whisper out the last two words, raising your hips to him. Then he takes both hands back to prop you up, and it’s only a few more vigorous licks up and down your clit before you come hard on his tongue, moaning his name.

You freefall into a sparkling warm ocean and roll through the crashing waves back onto the inviting shores of Dan’s arms, that hold you while you spasm with each, now gentle lap he gives your swollen pussy. He finishes with a couple kisses on your thighs, resting his head in between to feel them shake as you come down.

“You appear satisfied,” he gives you a cocky smile, moving his tall body up to plant a hot kiss on your parted lips. You can taste yourself on him. Dan positions himself so you feel his boner rubbing through-- _fuck, he’s still wearing underwear_ , and now he’s moaning into the kiss.

“Did you bring a condom?”

“Uhhh…” he looks near the floor where his jeans are and then hops off the bed, curls bouncing. You sit with your knees bent and watch him pull down his boxers with the sealed wrapper held between perfect teeth, his thick cock bouncing out at a near 45 degree angle, hard as rock. Your eyes widen.

“Holy _shit_ ,” you hiss, and take it in your hand. Dan groans a little while trying to tear open the wrapper. “Are you gonna fuck me with this or knock me over the head with it?”

Dan breathlessly laughs and then purrs, “Just you wait, babygirl. You don’t even know what’s gonna-- _ohhh_ …” Now it’s your turn to tease him, because you’d angled yourself to where you could take his cock into your mouth. Your tongue swirls over the tip, then makes slow circles around the base.

“Fuck, you’re _amazing_ ,” the condom slips from his fingers onto the bed next to you, and you suck Dan’s cock back to the tip. His legs shake a little when you finish your quick treat with a few wet kisses on his warm flesh. You take the condom and roll it down his dick, pinching the reservoir tip.

Now he’s climbed back on the bed and is all over you, making you giggle with delight and then moan with an excessive amount of fair pleasure, sealing your lips over his when you grab his face to pull him down. For a while his kisses are passionate and seem to be following a tempo, but the twitching in his groin and hips grow a little erratic and you know he’s building himself up too. Small hands still holding his face, you pull him off a little and watch him breathe heavily, hot and bothered, aching to take you like a cool drink of spring water.

“I’m ready,” you whisper, and with a hand acting as a guide, he positions himself at your center and rubs between your folds a little. You yelp, but don’t break eye contact with him. “But I haven’t done this in like a year and a half. Please be gentle?”

He responds with a short, moist kiss on your open mouth and breaks it with a gentle smile. Then for a moment he looks back down at what he’s doing, just for a moment, before slowly pushing in. You moan into your hand, and Dan’s lustful but concerned gaze meets your eyes again.

“Is this okay?” he mutters. It’s just the tip that’s inside you, but it hurts, you knew it would. “I’m fine, oh _God_ \--ahh…” you squeak, gripping his shoulders. “Keep going, Dan, _please_.”

 _Please._ The way you said that word makes him slide in further, and while it still burns, you don’t let it bother you. In fact, you raise your hips in order to get the last couple inches in all the way up to the hilt, and Dan moans hard. Wrapping your legs around his thighs, you kiss his lips and thrust a little, signaling him that you’re really prepared.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he says, your noses pressed against each other. He angles himself to a slightly more comfortable position, and pulls out and in at a gentle pace as requested, but his thrusts are firm and deep. “ _Mm, mm, fuck,_ fuck, I--”

Suddenly you’re rocking your hips at a faster pace than he, and his breath is caught in his throat when your tongue drags up his neck and you whisper in his ear: “ _Show me what you can really do._ ”

With that, he thrusts forward with more strength, savoring each breathless moan that comes out of your mouth. He’s not just slamming against you, he’s got a special rhythm going, one that makes you lift your legs and try to meet his passion, rocking with him until you find the perfect angle and the head of his cock is rubbing solidly against your G-spot. You moan in his hair.

“Dan, oh God, _Dan_ , I’ve never felt like this before.”

You’re a little surprised when he moans back, “me neither,” and nearly collapses. Your nails are digging into his back. It feels so good.

_Fuck, I didn’t think it was possible to feel this good._

“I’m already so close--aah!” he slows down a little, but it’s still just as delightful. “Think I set myself up here,” he laughs.

You push him off at the chest and Dan falls backwards, slipping out of you momentarily before you’re straddling him and his head is nearly off the foot of the bed. He just smiles and grabs your hips, eager to get back inside you. “Right there, babe.”

This time his cock slides in effortlessly. “Fuck _yeah…_ ” he sighs, raising himself a little and sinking his head into the mattress. His grip tightens on your hips as he gets ready to thrust, but you swat his hands away and plant a palm on his chest for leverage. Now it’s your turn.

Dan lies there with his eyes shut tight, feeling your walls clench whenever you pause from rocking up and down on him. “I’m gonna… _fuck!_ I’m… wanna cum… don’t _stop_.”

You happily obey, and suddenly groan too when Dan’s hands are back on your waist and his thrusts become sporadic and quick, along with you circling your hips. Then Dan moans your name like it was his last word, finishing with one more direct thrust.

He lies there breathing for long seconds, a spasm in his core every now and then, still not quite done. You giggle and lean forward onto him, almost like swimming through the air, which was thick with the smell of sex. Your breasts are warm and comfortable against his flat chest, glistening with sweat. His palms lazily fall on your back.

 

“That was fuckin’… _wow_ ,” he laughs, slipping out of you. “So _that’s_ how you thank someone for a mandolin. Christ, you’re small, but you pack a lotta punch.”

“Yeah?” you smile and kiss him sweetly. You both stay like this for a while, kissing, settling down until your heart is no longer hammering.

“Oh my God,” he finally says, and looks at his surroundings. “Was your room directed, written, and produced by Syd Barrett?”

Both of you laugh. One last peck on your cheek and Dan gives your ass a little slap. “Gonna go to the bathroom.”

You maneuver off him and lie on your belly when you watch him get up and snap off the condom with his back to you. His ass is smaller than yours. Man, he’s skinny.

“Is that _all?_ ” you ask.

“Huh?”

“Your ass, turn all the way around again, that can’t be it.”

“Shut up,” he laughs, pretending to throw the used condom at you. “At least something in this bedroom is… modest.”

“Attached to someone hottest.”

He bats his eyelashes at you and leaves to the bathroom. When he comes back, you’re lying on your back posed like a model, listening to Robert Plant’s version of “Song to the Siren”. You open your eyes and Dan’s smiling at you with so much sweetness and exhaustion.

“Hi,” you say.

“Hey babygirl,” he whispers, getting back on the bed and cuddling against you, one arm under your neck, the other hand slowly petting your hip and belly. You lean in and kiss him right under his ear.

“Should probably take a shower,” you look at him. “Not now though, when the song’s over…”

He hums. “Kinda don’t want it to end,” muttering these words while kissing you. “This is _so_ nice.”

“Oh, you’ll jump right up when it’s time for us to get in.”

He stops kissing. “ _Oh_ , you mean _we_ should shower? Like plural?”

“Uh, _yeah?_ ”

“ _Yessssss_ ,” he hisses, and you laugh.

“Did you think I was gonna leave you here alone in the Tom Wolfe room?”

Dan replies with a kiss, turning you over so you’re lying on your side, and he wraps himself around your much smaller body. Sighing, you relax deeper into his embrace and float through an imaginary pond brushed with countless stars. There’s complete silence when the song is over, and Dan holds you tight, craning his neck to kiss your cheek before settling down again.

 _This song is not over_ , you decide, feeling what you could only describe as the warmth of the sun after a cold, dark winter. The first breath after a coma. You allow yourself to take your head to your heart and dream of things to come for a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've Seen All Good People: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eNh8ldETEQ  
> New York City Summergirl: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-bEAxPLfCw  
> Pigs on the Wing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGSPUOaHYn4  
> Storm (I like it up until 12:10-ish): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOoUriH49yU  
> Song to the Siren: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPS_HxNDJVI
> 
> It's really not over, don't worry ^_^


	8. From Another Point of View

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiatus is over! This chapter is kinda short, but I'm gonna get right onto the next one.

After the most sensual shower you’d experienced, another slice of birthday cake, and quite a few goodbye kisses, he promised to text you when he got to his house. You said you were going to go stargaze. He thought you meant the roof, but you meant the string lights on the bedroom ceiling--the sex had left you exhausted. With a chuckle, Dan leaned in and kissed you one last time before leaving.

You finally see the aforementioned text in the morning, and it was Dan calling you amazing again and goodnight and happy birthday. There’s another one that was sent 10 minutes later, suggesting doing a repeat of the night before on the roof next time, if you wanted there to be a next time. You blush at the thought of Dan wanting to have sex again.

_He only wants to fuck, that’s the only thing anyone would want from you._

“Christ,” you say. “Took me forever to get better and I’m still getting these _l’appel du vide_ moments.”

_Because underneath that spirited surface, you’re nothing more than a cracked shadow._

You sit in bed for a moment, wondering if you’ve just woken from a nightmare, which happened the morning after your first time with your previous boyfriend (which had been heaven on earth). For some reason, your mind acted negatively towards positive and encouraging life events, which ultimately led to self-destruction. It was a vicious cycle you’d strived to break.

“Am I still really _that_ used to bad things happening?”

There’s no answer. You load your pipe full of weed and smoke as much as you can to avoid crying. Everything’s going to be okay. Thinking that there’s no point in lying in bed to stew in your oncoming sadness, you leap out as if escaping the jaws of a black wolf.

Because that’s how Zef had explained it to you once a few months after the breakup. Somewhere he’d read that in all of us there’s a white wolf and a black wolf; the former representing good and the latter signifying bad. And the one you feed more is the one who comes back. So you had to learn not to feed the black wolf, to tell it, _sorry, I don’t have anything for you._

“He likes me,” you say out loud, remembering what Suzy said two months ago. “He really does. It’s not a lie, it’s not a trick. Don’t feed the black wolf, don’t feed the gremlins after midnight, feed the white wolf, and go feed yourself because I’m _staaaarving_.”

After a well-balanced breakfast consisting of more birthday cake and a glass of milk, you go to your room and text Dan back.

 _“Morning ^_^”_ is all you say, and then wait. After a while, you decide to text Suzy.

_“Guess who I did last night”_

_“Yay! Finally! How are you?”_

_“I feel great, but I’m also kinda scared. I really like him, more than that, actually. But what if he changes his mind about me?”_

_“(Y/N), if he didn’t have feelings for you, I don’t think he would’ve waited 2 months to make sure. He probably wanted to get to know you and see how you felt, too.”_

_“I’m just so uncertain.”_

_“Is this because of last time?”_

Last time. Suzy’s the only one in that group of friends who you told in detail about your past love and the heartbreak you went through. She always sees in you a happy person, but also knows about your insecurities when it comes to love and accepting love. You’ve come a long way, but the abandonment issues are still there.

_“Dan’s not that other guy. You’ve been through a lot and I know you’re scared, but there’s really nothing to be afraid of, and you know it. Right?”_

_“Right”_

Then a new text comes in. It’s from Dan. You say bye to Suzy and she tells you to knock him dead. You read Dan’s text.

_“Good morning, starshine! How you doing?”_

_“Still in a cloud of endorphins from last night”_ It’s true, you’re kind of nervous but something in your body is still holding that post-sex “warm blanket feeling”.

_“Yeah, I feel awesome too. It felt like it was my birthday.”_

_“If your birthday weren’t so far away, I’d give you a blowjob on the Grump couch.”_

There’s a moment of dead air in which you assume Dan is adjusting himself in his jeans. You wonder if he’s ever brought a girl to the Couch, and then doubt it.

 _“We can always celebrate a very merry unbirthday,”_ at last he replies.

_“Tomorrow?”_

_“Oh, I wanted to tell you that we had to move the filming of your introduction video to tomorrow. Is that okay?”_

_“Yeah, that’s cool! I didn’t wanna wait.”_

_“Probably no time for a big, sexy encounter on the couch.”_

You think for a little bit. _“How about we get there early and I give you a little sequel to my birthday wish?”_

_“Your birthday wish was to fuck me?”_

_“I imagine MANY people wish they could fuck you.”_

_“… point taken. Meet you at the office an hour early tomorrow?”_

_“Meet you there :)”_

_“What are you doing today?”_

You take a deep breath and smell some of the drugs, er, _medicine_ on the nightstand.

_“Write, get high, write some more, get higher, the usual.”_

_“You should make some weed brownies. Actually, YOU shouldn’t make weed brownies. You’re so much skinnier and tinier than I am, so you’ll probably go braindead.”_

_“Too late! See ya”_

_“Happy Birthday!”_

 

Later that evening, after getting out seven pages of writing and smoking your fair share of the birthday weed you’d bought for yourself, your favorite strain, you check if there are any new messages. A few late birthday wishes, nothing more. And there’s Dan’s last text. You glance over at his present, the Gretsch mandolin. It’s such a beauty. It’s even better than Dangerfield’s. The pendant around your neck. Dan bought that after having known you for less than an hour. Why?

_Why would anyone do something nice for me like that? World owes me nothing, I learned that when I was a kid. And why am I trying to convince myself that he doesn’t like me when we made love last night?_

Fuck. The word he used was fuck. Nobody has ever used that sissy, prissy, meaningful “make love” when referring to having sexual intercourse with you. Not even anyone who’d loved you.

_Love. It never was real._

You have to get out of the apartment. After a brief phone call with Zef, you’re at his place, and Dangerfield’s there too, jamming. After about half an hour of watching them play and joking around, you remember you’d brought your mandolin as well, and the look on “the real mandolinist’s” face is _priceless_.

“Where the _fuck_ did you get that?” he asks, holding it up to his face and smiling. “Oh (Y/N), I may have to kill you for this.”

“Then you’ll pry it from my cold, dead hands.  And Dan got it for my birthday.”

Zef looks up at you with a smile. “Damn, kid. What did you do?”

“Hugged him, played it, had sex.”

Dangerfield’s grip on the mandolin tightens as he stares at you. “You had sex with Danny Sexbang? _Fuck_ , I’m jealous.”

“So, it finally happened,” says Zef. “Was it everything you ever dreamed of, hm?”

“Pssh, everything and more. But Zef, I’m still pretty nervous about this, like at some point he’s going to figure out how miserable I am and stuff.”

“ _Are_ you still miserable? After all you did to fix yourself? (Y/N), he’s _gone._ That jerk you dated is _gone_. Away from your life. You understand?”

You look at your feet, looking for a defense. Your voice cracks a bit when you say, “He wasn’t a jerk; he was so amazing.”

“And Mr. Sensational left you like a dog in the sand,” Dangerfield retorts, standing up to walk over to you. He’s about the same height. “I’m getting sick of telling you that. You’re better than this, (Y/N)! Come the fuck on!”

Tears well up in your eyes and you grab the mandolin back. “I’m just so afraid…”

“The only thing you’re afraid of is fear itself,” says Zef. “Look how far you’ve come, kiddo.”

“You just don’t understand, Zef! Neither of you do!”

“Oh _yeah?!_ ” Dangerfield nearly barks. “You think I didn’t _understand_ when my first boyfriend abused me for years? When the second one toyed with my emotions until he realized a week after telling me he loved me that I was nothing but a novelty to him? Do you think I didn’t feel pain when my first crush raped me in the _fourth grade?!_ ”

You’re completely silent.

Zef stands up, possibly to go help the situation, but he hesitates.

A tear flows down Dangerfield’s face and he wipes it away as fast as it appeared. He takes a breath. “Do you think it doesn’t hurt each and every time I’m told I will always be a girl?”

That’s when Zef walks over to take both of you in his arms, and your friend, born Rose Dangerfield, starts crying. The look in his small, angelic face tells you his throat had been figuratively cut. Something clearly had just happened.

He breathes for a while. “It’s okay…” you begin.

“Remember two months ago, when I was late for Renfaire?”

“Yes.”

“It wasn’t the freeway’s fault. I was late because my boyfriend dumped me after I told him I’m trans. It’s _so_ hard being like this, so hard being me, always, everything…” he cries again and pulls himself away from Zef’s embrace. “And you probably just found the love of your life at 23 and you’re ready to throw it all away! My love life is fucked because to everyone else, I’m not a gay boy, I’m a straight girl with a mental illness.”

He sits down again and puts his face in his hands. You kneel beside the chair and hold Dangerfield.

“I’m so sorry. Really. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Me too,” he croaks. “I… don’t like yelling… at you. But fuck, you gotta get it together. I mean, you already do, you got that nice apartment to yourself and you’ve got the coolest job and mandolin and Dan Avidan, what is it with you? Why are you so used to--”

“--Being unhappy? Yes. It’s been my state of mind since I was a kid. Not the best childhood, always dramatic, you and I have that in common, Danger.”

He chuckles and takes his hands away from his face. “Maybe you and _I_ should end up together.”

You caress his face. “Ah, life would be a dream, but I am a girl and _you_ , my fine young man, are the _gayest_ motherfucker alive.”

He grins, ready to laugh. “Honest?”

“Honest. Remember when we went to that _Rocky Horror_ shadowcast and we both entered the lingerie contest and _you_ won?”

“Well did you see how my boobs looked in that corset?”

“I think _everyone_ in the theater saw your boobs,” Zef finally says.

You laugh with Dangerfield and both of you stand up. “So let’s get back on topic,” he holds up a finger. “How did Danny Sexbang react to _your_ boobs?”

“Aw dude, you’ve been naked before men before. You know the reaction.”

“Did he make _the face?_ ”

“He made the face.”

Zef, smiling, “What face?”

In unison, you both look at him slack-jawed and wide-eyed. “Oh! Ha ha!” He stares off. “Yeah, _that_ face.”

You all go quiet for a few seconds, until Zef breaks the odd silence with: “Are we all just thinking about boobs now?”

Dangerfield laughs. “Nah man I’m thinking about dicks.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking about Dan’s big Jewish schlong.”

“ _Ohh_ , it’s big?”

“Mmmm. So much girth.”

With that, Zef picks up his fiddle and plays loudly, drowning out everything you and Dangerfield are saying, save for laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fact: I'm transgender (female-to-male)  
> Fact: I won a lingerie contest :)
> 
> Chapter title is based on a lyric in "Crossed the Rubicon" by Moon Safari: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uu_ibGuxlAU


	9. Queer and Loathing

“Dan? …Dan?”

Upon arriving at the office, you tread quietly and realize how empty the air feels, wondering if Dan’s hiding somewhere. You’d seen his parked car; he’s definitely in the building. But it’s not in his nature to scare people. He himself hates horror games and jumpscares. If Dan really is hiding, it’s likely he just wants to troll you. A smirk forms on your face.

_Well, two can play at that game, Sexbang._

You drop to the floor and proceed to skitter through the lavishly decorated maze of office rooms like an absurdly large hermit crab, your backpack acting as a shell.

_The tower man will never spot me all the way down here, I’m totally out of range._

You slither into the bathroom, your legs wriggling through the crack in the door and closing it with your foot. For a while you lay on the cool tiles, admiring the fact that the room was _Portal_ themed, as well as trying to catch your breath. When you finally stand up, it’s weak, and you find yourself face-to-face with your own reflection in the mirror: a dehydrated pothead with bloodshot eyes.

_Need water._

Sticking your face under the running water, you take big gulps but also allow the enjoyment of refreshing your skin to run throughout your body. You check the half-lidded stare in the mirror again.

_Hm._

Before getting to the office, you’d been sitting in the car smoking a bowl. Not because you were nervous; you’d (mostly) gotten over that after Dangerfield’s emotional burst the night before. Nah, you just wanted to get really high that morning. And you took too much, too much. The real problem is that it’s early July in LA, and it’s _hot_.

_It’s hotter than a camel’s ass ’round here and I need some more liquids, fluids, the colorless wet stuff the fat ’Muricans won’t put in their bodies. Oasis? Where’s the oasis?_

By “oasis” you mean the kitchen, and crawl your way back out of the bathroom, trying to make your way to the next destination. You end up in the meeting room, where the lights are off, and _somebody_ had put up a movie on the big TV. You realize quickly that it’s _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_ , and you’d wandered in right at the beginning of the infamous reptile scene.

 _“I was in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo,”_ you hear Johnny Depp say in Hunter Thompson’s mannerism. The Ralph Steadman horror show on the screen had turned from a few overgrown lizards in a hotel bar to a violent orgy featuring dozens of these horrible, scaly creatures writhing around in pools of raw and embryonic desires that were as measurable as the blood on the carpeted floor.

“Good God,” you mutter. “This scene is Trump and his dreadful entourage.”

You’re reminded of a time back in your hometown when you took acid and a gecko ran up your shirt and jumped onto your face, explored the entirety of your scalp, and remained on your neck for warmth. That had been cute, and there were little geckoes and lizards featuring in several closed-eye hallucinations after that random animal moment, one of the best things that can happen on acid. Little, harmless animals dancing on your skin. Petting cats. Petting furry cats. That was nice, this was a _nightmare_.

“Who in their right mind would have the audacity to play _this_ flick right now?” you mumble, getting on all fours to crawl away faster. “This has to be some kinda psychological experiment. I’m finally being reprimanded for being a drug addict.”

The movements you make to have an escape are like that of an iguana, but after a flash of “evolution” you become bipedal as originally intended for your body before you’d dropped into the office in a cloud of prehistoric smoke.

_What the hell kind of strain was that? I get so fucking stupid when I have too much of a new kind of weed. You reckless and irresponsible child._

You finally make it to the editing bay and shut the door of the dimly lit room, hanging onto the doorknob and pressing an ear against the wood. No more of that spectacle, that Machiavellian demonstration of the situation in the White House. You’re flooded with memories of the Women’s March on LA, of waking up early in the morning to attend a protest and ending up dancing atop a parked truck with a group of LGBT kids. It was in that moment, while watching thousands upon _thousands_ of people marching in the iconic pink Pussyhats, when you realized that this was no picket-sign pinkerdinkle, this was life now after a national calamity. This was something truly amazing and wildly strange, this was, as you saw with your own eyes, an historic moment.

You move to a chair and wrap your arms around your backpack, eyes closed. A couple months ago, when everyone was dealing with the latest nonliteral corpses exhumed from the Russia Investigation and the firing of Robert Mueller, a famed activist in the transgender movement was murdered, halting the annual Pride Parade by a month. On July 13th you’ll be accompanying Dangerfield through the streets of LA in gaily colored clothing. But today you have the responsibility of making a video about yourself for the Lovelies of Game Grumps. Today’s your last day in the shadows of privacy.

And it doesn’t feel too bad at all. You craved attention when you were a kid, so now you’re finally getting your dues. It’s definitely a time to shake your younger self’s hand and say, “We did it, pal,” but besides that there’s the undeniable feeling of _life about to change._

It feels _weird_. It feels warm. It feels like light.

_No, that literally is light._

You open your eyes and see Dan in front of you with the door open, a wide smile on his face.

“There you are!” He says, shutting the door behind him and neglecting to turn on the light. “Thought I heard you crawling around.”

“Oh fuck, you can _hear_ crawling?”

He pauses for a second and makes a face. “What? No, I… wait, were you _actually_ _crawling_ out there?” Dan points back at the door with his thumb and chuckles.

“Uh. I was studying the habits of lizards. Sort of an experiment in anthropology.” He smirks at you.

“That is,” you continue. “If humans had evolved from reptiles.”

“(Y/N), what the fuck are you talking about?” he laughs, walking towards you. “Dammit, I knew you’d fit right in with us when I first brought you here.” Now he’s crowding you over the chair, a hand placed on each armrest. He’s only a foot away from your face.

Disguising your stoner’s gaze as bedroom eyes, you give Dan a sexy little smile and say: “And why did it take you so long to fit into me?”

He silently grins, biting his lip, returning the same bedroom eyes. You throw your backpack on the floor and pull Dan in by the collar, planting a kiss on his soft lips. He moans a little against your mouth, and cups your face with his hands, slowly making you stand up and take his hair between your fingers. The kiss quickly grows in intensity as he runs his hands to your waist, and then stops completely after you tighten your grip in his hair and pull. Dan shuts his eyes and an entreating whine is caught in his throat. You kiss his neck and feel the pulse in his jugular like the heartbeat of a bird. So it’s true, he does have a hair pulling kink.

“Now,” you whisper. “You’re going to take me to the couch…” you pause to stand on your toes and really get close to his ear. “ _And I’m going to swallow what you tell me to swallow._ ”

Dan _moans._ Smiling, you let go of him and walk to the door to open it, but find some difficulty with your sweaty palm. All of a sudden there’s a terrible roar outside, and you realize _Fear and Loathing_ is still playing on that side of the world.

“You know you didn’t have to wig me out by playing a Terry Gilliam movie in the dark,” you say in a friendly tone, wiping your hand. “I love that movie more than most things, but this is bizarre, you merry prankster.”

In the dimness of the editing bay, you can make out the expression on Dan’s face going from lust to confusion. “What? You mean you didn’t put that on?”

You stare at him. “N-no. I didn’t. Dan, don’t fuck around.”

“I mean it, I thought _you_ did all that.”

“Fuck, this _is_ a psychological experiment,” you whisper.

Then there’s two short screams, and you realize it was Dan and yourself at the sound of the other door in the room opening slightly. And on the other side there’s a _reptile_ , devil horns jutting out of blood-red hair, surrounded by lime skin and-- _no!_

It’s Ross in a Bowser mask. He removes it, smiling awkwardly. “You guys okay?” he carefully asks.

“Ross? How the--when did… _the fuck!_ ” you cried out.

This is when Ross begins to laugh, and turns on the lights. “I _saw_ you slithering into the bathroom a few minutes ago and thought you were on acid.”

“So _you_ were the one fucking with me?”

“I had to!” he laughs. “You shoulda seen yourself, man, you looked like a lizard on ether.”

“Ah, that’s why you used _Fear and Loathing_. You sadistic motherfucker, you fucking suck, dude,” you say this with such an embarrassed smile that it only makes him cackle harder.

“By the way,” he says, more serious now. “Please don’t fuck on the Couch. I’ll be traumatized.”

Your face goes red. Dan sighs through his teeth and mutters, “Goddammit, Ross.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was bound to reference Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas again. It's my favorite movie. Also, I adore lizards.
> 
> To be clear, this part of the story is set in July 2018 and I'm writing this in January. I predict Mueller will get fired, and the Russia probe will amount to nothing. The Nazis in congress are in too deep to allow Trump to trip and fall down the stairs. This will be swept under the rug and it'll all be over when it's over. A huge setback for the United States, but, as a mustached Austrian man who has been compared to Trump many times once allegedly said in his bunker, "Gentlemen, soon this will all be over and we'll be eating asparagus again."
> 
> I earnestly hope my fictionalized transwoman activist getting killed doesn't become a prophecy.
> 
> The way I describe the Women's March on Washington (in LA) is exactly how I felt witnessing it all happen. One of those unforgettable days that'll eventually come back to you 30 years from now when you find several candid photos of yourself in some archive. I hope to one day see an image of myself on top of the truck. How I failed to get arrested that day, I'll never know. I painted blue stripes flowing down my eyes to represent tears and wore a "Make America HATE Again" T-shirt. My sign read, "WE SHALL OVERCOMB".
> 
> Goddammit, Ross.


	10. Interview With the Danpire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry that I love puns. XD

_“Hello everyone! This is Danny, and we noticed that many of you have been asking to meet our new editor, and I’m gonna walk over here, and open this door, and here she is!”_

_You swivel around in the chair and are shown wearing a burgundy velvet robe and holding a calabash pipe in one hand and a brandy snifter in the other. “Oh good evening,” you begin, cocking an eyebrow at the camera. Dan giggles._

_“That’s what you decided to wear to make a first impression?”_

_“Of course,” you say sarcastically. “I’m a smug bastard.” You burst into a fit of giggles because you messed up your line._

_“That’s my line!” Dan laughs. “Ugh, just like a successful billionaire, to be a dirty thief.”_

_“Suck my pipe.”_

_“Hahaha oh my Go--”_

_You’re sitting next to Dan on a sofa, in normal clothes._

_“Hey guys! My name’s (Y/N) and I’m the newest addition to Game_ _Grumps. Welcome to Interview with the Danpire._ ”

_Dan laughs._ _“And what do you do here?”_

_“I watch hours of Danny and Arin sucking at videogames and then I trim them down before uploading. It’s as much fun as it sounds.”_

_Dan stares at you._

_“…You’re fired.”_

_“Hahaha!”_

_You’re still sitting on the couch, in slightly different positions than before. Dan’s holding his phone._

_“So what I’m gonna do here is ask you questions that Ross picked out from the comments section.”_

_“Wait, Ross? Australian Psycho?” You lean in, looking at the phone. “Okay, what’s the first question? Which god I pray to before I fall asleep unguarded? How many licks to get to the center of a pinecone?”_

_Dan laughs, “I’m kidding, I picked these out! But how many licks to the center of a pinecone?”_

_You shrug. “I’ll go get some Velcro and a staple gun.”_

_“Aw jeez, no! Okay, here we go, question one: Do you have a YouTube channel?”_

_“I do, but it’s one I made when I was a teenager, it doesn’t count. I’m thinking of making a new channel though, so I can record myself playing mandolin and guitar.”_

_“You didn’t bring either of them today, right?”_

_“Nah, but another day I’ll play for the lovelies.”_

_“She’s awesome,” he says to the camera. “Give her a mandolin and she’ll play rock and roll.”_

_“Do you think pangolins can tuck and roll?”_

_“Wh--what? What the fuck are you talking about, (Y/N)? Haha. Okay, next question.”_

_“I’m so lame.”_

_“What’s your favorite game?”_

_“Is that the question, or are you rhyming with me now?”_

_“Just a happy accident; that actually was the question.”_

_“Amazing. Favorite game… Well, I really love Symphony of the Night, and Undertale was one of the most fun experiences I’ve had sitting down. Breath of Fire for the SNES, lots of Pokemon games… Oh, I thought Leisure Suit Larry was fucking hilarious. It was like a dirty, adult version of the Humongous games I played when I was really little, because they also were point-and-click adventures. I remember back when Arin and Ross played Freddi Fish on Steam Train and I wished so hard for a Pajama Sam playthrough, because that was my favorite game.”_

_“Oh yeah, the fever dream games. That’s your favorite? I’ve only ever seen you play Stardew Valley, and Who’s Your Daddy? with Ross. You two are absolute freaks when you play together, by the way, remind me never to let you go on Steam Train,” he laughs and looks at the camera. “(Y/N) is one of the sweetest and funniest people I know, but my God,” he turns back to you. “Do you ever get some fiendish ideas in games that allow you to do almost anything you want.”_

_“Are you still salty over that Mario Maker level I created with only you in mind, Daniel?” You flutter your eyelashes and grin._

_“No! … Yes. Next question, ah, what a coincidence. Are you gonna play on the show?”_

_The thought of that increases your pulse. “Well… everyone here has played more than once. I guess my turn will come soon. We haven’t really talked about that until now.”_

_“Is there anything you wanna play on Steam Train? We can arrange that, you know.”_

_You smirk at him. “Putting me on the spot, huh? How about… Wacky World of Minia--”_

_“STOP. NO.”_

_“Hahahaha! Okay, I can’t think of anything right now, you’ll have to ask later. Or surprise me! But yeah, I definitely wanna play games for everyone sometimes.”_

_“How did you meet the Grumps?”_

_“Oh wow… it was two months ago, can you believe that? I was playing in my friends’ band at Renfaire and Dan showed up, we ate turkey, all of a sudden I’m a fucking editor.”_

_“You were a fan before this happened, and I’m really glad you’re with us now. Not only are you fun and good at your job, but you seem to keep Ross at bay.”_

_“Bahahaha, I keep him away from you, anyway. I’ve never seen someone enjoy pranking me as much as Ross does. Today, people, today he turned off all the lights in the office and played the reptile zoo scene from Fear and Loathing.”_

_“In all fairness, he was probably exacting revenge on you for putting red food coloring powder in the shower head at his place.”_

_“Well, that’s only because he replaced all my Genesis CD’s with a bunch of Phil Collins.”_

_“How did this even get started?”_

_“I don’t remember, but it looks like it’s my turn now, so Ross,” you stare into the lens with an open grin. “I’m coming for you.”_

_Dan smiles but looks away from you. You look positively sinister. “You scare me. Okay this is the last question, and my favorite. What’s your favorite meme?”_

_“Is that really--” You lean in to look at his phone and laugh when you see the screenshot there. “Ha ha! Oh, the We Are Number One videos, no doubt about that. I can’t believe a silly meme helped raise money to treat Stefan Karl Stefanson’s cancer. Makes you wonder how people raised awareness before the digital revolution, huh? And I think my favorite of them all is one called ‘We are number one but it’s the Thomas the Tank Engine melody’. It sounds like autotune landed penis-first into a children’s television network and gave birth to a really ludicrous god.”_

_Dan stares at you. “God, you showed me that monstrosity one time. I can’t believe you listen to that unironically. I can’t believe you play it when you drive on the freeway.”_

_“Choo-CHOO, motherfucker!” you punch the air._

 

The video, edited by Matt and Ryan, freeze-frames on this arrogant, triumphant look in your face, and the _Final Fantasy_ victory fanfare plays over a caption on the screen:

_(Y/N) (Y/L/N). What you see is what you get._

This is your third time re-watching the video that evening before uploading. It’s just so weird, what’s happening. You’re in a video with none other than Danny Sexbang, and everybody who avidly watches Game Grumps is about to know who you are. You’re going to get love. You’re going to get hate. Fame. What a concept.

Dan walks in. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Watching this thing again. Think the fans will… respond positively?”

“Let me put it to you this way. I met you while you were on acid in a costume, and now you edit our videos.”

You beam. “Yeah, that’s a pretty good example. But I bet I’ll get shit from jealous fangirls.”

“Oh, they’re out there. You just gotta ignore them, alright?” Dan smiles at you.

“Well, duh.”

“I’m gonna go get some Skittles.”

“Could you please grab me some string cheese and meet me in the Grump room? I wanna play a bit before everyone has to leave.”

“Sure.”

A few minutes later, when Dan enters the Grump room with the snacks, you’re not there. He puts the stuff down and looks around a bit, and then, the door closes. You were hiding behind it, in the room, waiting for Dan. You lock the door.

“(Y/N)?” He sees the lust in your expression and body language, and quickly understands what you meant by “playing”. You walk gracefully towards him and stop just a few inches in front, where Dan watches you drop to your knees and unzip his jeans. His head darts to the window, and realizes you’d tacked up a blanket for privacy.

“There’s still people here,” he whispers. “You’re crazy. You’re so hot.”

“I can be quiet.” You tug his pants down a little. “Get on the Couch.”

He obeys with zest. Dan pulls down his jeans the rest of the way and spreads his legs so you can kneel before him there. He twitches when you lick your hand and wrap it around his cock.

“Thanks again for that mandolin,” you say, kissing his thighs.

He says, “You are very, _very_ welcome,” and takes your head between his hands.

 

Nobody knows what’s happening behind the locked door of the Grump room; on the other side of the dark blanket that could block anybody’s view. Luckily, no one has come by yet, and it’s likely that if in the event that they do, they’ll read the situation and walk far, far away.

Dan breathes heavily. He’s been melting into the couch for a while now, and watching your head bob up and down on his cock. You look into his eyes while licking the head. “Unh… you’re so… fucking pretty, those big eyes…”

You take the entirety into your wet mouth, pushing it to the back of your throat. _Fuck_ , it’s big. Dan moans hard and raises himself a little. “ _Yeah…_ just like that, good girl…” You quickly suck up and down, licking the shaft in a circular motion. “ _Fuck!_ ”

That’s when he retreats from your mouth and takes the back of your head in his right hand and his dick in his left. He pumps it twice and spills all over your tongue, watching what he’s doing. When he’s finished, Dan breathes a few times all the while looking at your open mouth. Finally, he sits up and holds your chin in his fingers; says one word: “Swallow.”

You do as you are told, not breaking eye contact. He smiles with half-lidded eyes and lifts you, bringing you to lie on top of him on the couch. Dan’s lips meet yours with a kiss.

_I know I read somewhere that Pisces are super cuddly after sex. That’s awesome, fuck yeah, Danny._

He wraps his arms around your back and lies there in silence for long seconds. His heart is hammering through his skinny chest; you can hear, _feel_ it. You can feel Daniel’s heartbeat.

“I… didn’t know you were so good at that. Wow, I mean… wow!”

“Well, practice. You were also a fucking star when you went down on me.”

“Think we have time for that?”

You frown a little as you prop yourself up to look at the door. “Nah, everybody’s probably about to leave and we gotta check the video, remember?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“You can definitely eat me out another time though, there’s no way I’m saying no to that.”

“Yeah, and it’s fair too. I feel bad being the only one to _feel the earth shatter._ ”

“Oh, trust me, I felt that too,” you say, reaching out to grab the string cheese. Dan takes a bag of Skittles and tears into it. You peel open the cheese wrapper, take the dairy treat, and bite into it. Dan watches you do this.

“What the… that’s not how you eat string cheese!” he laughs a little.

“Huh?”

“I have never seen anyone eat it like that. I think you’re supposed to peel it.”

“… _Peel_ it?”

Dan takes the cheese from your hand and grabs a bit of the tip, then pulls it down. The inside is _stringy._

“Oh my God, is that why they call it string cheese?”

“Yeah! But how didn’t you… are you telling me you’ve just never seen another human eat this stuff?”

“Sit and spin, Dan, I told you I grew up in South America, man! Our junk food and snacks are different. We have salty plantain chips and… uh… fruit.”

He blinks at you, smirking.

“Don’t look at me like that, we rarely had junk food in the house, even though my dad’s American. Nah. Healthy as a horse.”

“Same dad who came up with the Bacon Theory? You’re gonna have to tell me that one someday.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

 

Back in the editing bay, you check the channel and watch the finished product one more time with Dan. You barely notice how he smiles each time video you laughs. When it’s over, you scroll down into the comments section. Already there are a few thousand views and what you think is quite a plethora of comments for a video that was only uploaded a few minutes ago.

“Woah, look, (Y/N)! You’re gaining admiration!”

It’s true. Most of the comments are approving, others are talking about how hot Barry got, some are making playthrough suggestions. A few are sexist and pathetic. But the grand majority seem to like you. It’s unbelievable. There are even a couple of fans who play the mandolin and feel particularly excited about seeing your possible future YouTube channel.

“Is this really happening?”

“Yeah. Weird, right? One thing I really miss from before is privacy. But I’m also so happy with my life. The trick is to have fun, and I believe in fun.”

“You should start a religion.”

“No thanks, one Jew already did that a couple thousand years ago and he didn’t get nailed the fun way,” he says, and turns to leave.

“Hahaha, true!”

When Dan’s back is turned, you direct your attention back to the screen to read a bit more. You soon cease scrolling, and your eyes widen at one comment; the needle in the haystack:

_After careful thought and methodical observation, I am willing to wager… Ah, screw it. I bet those two are banging._

 

After gathering your things and getting ready to leave, you reach the exit and Dan’s waiting for you there with a smile, illuminated by the glow in his hair. He looks like an angel. You turn off the lights and see only his silhouette, then guide yourself over to him. He takes your arm and opens the door.

“Were you ever afraid of the dark?” you ask.

“Nah, you?”

“Sometimes. It gets easy to imagine things that ain’t. I’m also _terrified_ of the ocean.”

“No way, me too!”

“Really? But you played _Endless Ocean_.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s a video game. The real thing is fucking horrifying.”

“But the sea does have great food. _Sushi_. You know, it’s funny how I’m afraid but it was such a funny playthrough that I never felt scared. And I’m not scared when the documentaries are narrated by David Attenborough.”

“Hnn, David Atten _bae_ rough.”

You laugh. “Oh, and I _love_ the aquarium in Long Beach. I’ve been going since I was a little kid; whenever my family and I visited California, there were two things I always wanted to see. The Aquarium, and the Petersen Museum.”

“Aw shit, I love the aquarium too. You ever touch the little sharks or the anemones?”

“Yeah. Slimy. My favorite parts are the jellyfish and the leafy--”

“ _Sea dragons!_ ” you say at the same time.

“They’re the most impossible creatures,” he says. “So fucking beautiful.”

“Yeah, I could look at them forever. I like going to the aquarium, but it’s pretty expensive, so I just go if I’m taking someone for the first time, or if I _really_ need to take a break.”

You reach the parking lot.

“I went through the aviary one time with _two_ of those little cups of nectar you can buy and there were five fucking lorikeets on me; two in my hair.”

“Cool, what were they like?”

“They were…” he drew a deep breath. “ _Really fucking LOUD._ ”

You laugh at the thought of that scene. Dan and a swarm of agonizingly loud birds. You’re still giggling, and then he leans in, and prints a kiss right next to the corner of your mouth. You shut up and close your eyes for a moment, feeling your hairs stand. Dan watches your eyes open. He’s grinning, and then turns to walk to his car. “Goodnight, (Y/N),” he says over his shoulder.

“’Night,” you breathe.

_Fuck, I’m more into him than I believed. This guy is bona fide._

 

You step into the shower and turn on the hot water, feel it run through your hair with closed eyes. Right now your mind is on the steamy time you shared with Dan in there. Shower sex is uncomfortable, so there was none of that. But he was _so_ sexy. His reputation precedes him. You remember that bath as if it’s happening right now.

_He soaps your legs from the front._

_Your breasts, from the back, kneading them._

_He pushes you to the wall, he kisses you._

Emerging naked as the day you were born, a thin cloud of steam seeps out with you. It’s covered the glass shower door, the mirror, and you can see it floating around the night light, which is sharing an outlet with the phone charger. You’d been listening to music; psychedelic rock ( _it makes the water feel more fun_ ). After grabbing a towel, you hear a buzz, and check the phone. It’s a single message from Dan.

_“Meet me on your roof.”_

You’re completely silent as the water drips from your hair to the floor. “How did he get in the building?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're ever in the Long Beach area, go visit the Aquarium of the Pacific! It's much less expensive and crowded than Disneyland, and more fun too.
> 
> I like lighting a couple of candles in the bathroom and projecting a liquid light show video on the wall. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTFaOxLlJCA
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Akw_O-fE8cA  
> My "number one" love.


	11. Makin' Bacon

Your heart’s pounding in a form that reminds you of clockwork, as if the blood-pumping organ in your chest were giving you an idea of time moving quickly from the second you shut your door. Yet your brain seems to be slowing down the passage of time. The vague feeling of being underwater flows through your body when you walk up the stairs, reminiscent of LSD trips. Then you open the door out to the roof terrace and--

There he is.

_Calm._

You are unbelievably calmed by his presence. He turns around from leaning against the parapet almost immediately and flashes that sweet Danny smile at you. You smile back, and walk over to each other for a friendly hug.

“How did you get in the building?” you ask again, this time to him.

“I was going to text you but someone was going out right when I showed up. Another happy accident.”

“So what’s up?”

Dan bites his lip a little, eyeing you with his sexy, dark eyes. “Well, I was wondering if you wanted me to return the favor up here.”

You shut your eyes and make a deep chuckle. What an amazing idea. What an absolute fantasy. Smiling, “Oh Dan, that sounds like heaven, but I got my period.”

His eyes open a little. “Oh! Well then! My sexy plan has been thwarted by nature.”

“Yeah, what a bummer.”

You stand there in silence for a few seconds, and finally ask him, “You wanna come inside?”

“You know I do, babygirl.”

“I mean--do you want to go to--”

He laughs. “Just teasing ya. You’re so cute when you’re flustered like that.”

“Well that’s not fair, Danny! You have some pretty lewd humor, and we’ve had sex, how am I supposed to know what you mean and what you don’t mean?” You shake a finger at him. “Ohhh, you confusing man, you!”

He pulls you in and kisses the top of your head as you walk to the door. “Can’t help myself around you. Your reactions are too much fun.”

 

The atmosphere changes from sexual back to friendly affection while you’re playing _Gang Beasts_ , a beat-em-up that, in Dangerfield’s opinion, is barely about fighting. This became true six months after purchase, when you and your friends found out that some buttons made it possible for a barrage of unlikely objects fall from the sky. You employ this trick on Dan, and he lets out a baffled scream when it begins to rain oranges.

“You dirty cheater!” he says as his character falls off the building you’re fighting on. “You never told me that was possible!”

“Fuck you, Dan, you’re just jealous that I’m better at vidya games than you!” you laugh, raising your character’s arms up in a victory stance. The game restarts in another location, a Ferris wheel. Dan starts jumping into the cars.

“Okay, no fuckin’ around this time, now you’re gonna-- _AUGH!_ ”

You release a drop of Dumpsters, completely breaking the Ferris wheel and sending Dan’s guy plummeting into the water below. You snigger. “Alright, you want me to stop? I’ll stop.”

And you do. You fight fair on the next stage, on top of a couple of moving trucks on a freeway. You and Dan pummel and grab each other a few times, until you retreat and grab down onto the truck. Dan, jumping around, sees a sign coming for him but can’t get out of the way quickly enough.

“Aaaaah! (Y/N)! I forgot how to grab!”

“Uh… Left trig--no…”

“ _You’re doing it right now!_ ”

“Buh…”

Dan’s guy is smacked against the big green sign and you go on with the truck, ending the match with another victorious pose. You do this in real life too, arms all the way up. “Woo! I am truly the undefeated tyrant of the-- _YIII!!_ ” is what you shout right before Dan lunges at your waist and tickles you. You instinctively lower your arms and jerk back, laughing and yelping at the same time.

“Stop! Hahahahahaha!”

“ _Revenge!_ ”

Eventually you fall backwards on the length of the couch, with Dan following you. Now he’s right over you, hands on your waist. For a moment he slows down, looking at you, then stops completely when he reaches your eyes, which are flooded with light from the stained-glass lamp.

“Woah…” he whispers.

You’re reminded of something.

_Yes, this happened at Renfaire. When the sun got in my eye._

You recognize something other than lust in his eyes. This could very well be…

_This might mean… Aw. Screw it, don’t overthink it._

You gently pull him in and bring his lips to yours. He’s responding so naturally to the kiss that you wonder how long he’d held that need, that _want_ in. At least for a second. Then you lose yourself in the warmth of his touch and body, spreading your legs a little so he can rest comfortably on top of you. The kiss doesn’t change in power, it keeps its level all the way through, but there’s so much affection in it and a sense of being comfortable right where you are. Dan shifts himself to get in a little closer, but not overwhelmingly so. He has no interest in overpowering or convincing you to react agreeably to a question where he’d already received an answer: _not tonight._ No, it feels like he purely enjoys your company.

You finally break the kiss with closed eyes and lie back, taking soft breaths. Dan’s hand finds itself on your cheek, giving it a gentle caress. When you open your eyes, you’re halfway in the light, and Dan’s looking down at you in wonder. He traces a finger down your jawbone, to your neck, and pulls out the mandolin pendant, twirling it a little in his fingers before looking into your eyes again.

“I wanted to kiss you since Renfaire,” he says. “Before we went to the food stands, when the sun did this thing, it covered half of your face, and you looked absolutely… other _worldly_.”

You smile at him, not knowing what to say.

“I’m serious,” he giggles. “Like a lovely, sexy alien.”

You laugh. “How so?”

“Well, your eyes changed color, dramatically. And I didn’t know you were on acid just yet, but, my God, your _pupils_ , I thought you were some sort of fairy that had wandered out of a science-fantasy book.”

You laugh. “I was _so_ high that I thought fairies had blessed you when the wind blew that flower into your hair. Remember that?” you stroke his mane, much to his fondness.

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

“But I didn’t take enough for my pupils to dilate.”

“Oh?”

“I think. But that could’ve been arousal, maybe… I wanted to kiss you for a much longer time.”

“ _Yeah?_ ” he says in a most tender voice, almost a breath.

You nod. “At some point when I was 19, and you made me laugh for a full two minutes. This isn’t weird for you, is it? That I already knew who you are, and I was a stranger?”

“You _are_ strange,” he begins and you giggle. “But for some reason, I didn’t believe I was dealing with a stranger. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, in a way. I’ve met people who I instantly clicked with, and it’s fun and surprising each time. You were a real surprise, though. I didn’t expect you to, you know, let me into your life, be my friend. I didn’t even expect to get your phone number.”

“What can I say? You were very interesting. And you were _so_ flirty.”

“Watch it, Sexbang,” you laugh, then let out a big yawn.

He smiles. “Alright, here we go.” He turns off the TV and gets up from the couch. Carrying you in his arms, he takes the both of you to the bedroom. The man holding you puts you on the blankets and even removes your shoes for you. With a permanent smiled etched on your face, you shed the rest of your clothes and don a big pajama shirt. You look so small inside it.

Dan, still fully clothed, leans in to give you a long kiss. You take it, and take his face between your palms. But as eager as you are, you’re the one to stop it and look into his eyes with longing and a question, or a request:

“ _Stay?_ ”

He’s not saying anything, just holding himself there. He’s thinking. Just when you’re sure he’s come up with an excuse to go, Dan surprises you again by taking off his shirt and jeans. You grin when he grabs the covers and gets underneath, immediately snuggling. His body’s so warm, like a human hot spring. It’s the middle of summer and it doesn’t feel unpleasant in the least bit. Neither does the hand on your cheek, sometimes running smoothly through your hair. The way he holds you, the way he’s gazing at you, they say it all.

But he goes the extra step.

“You are so beautiful.”

A softness resembling the women in renaissance paintings spreads through your face. You imagine yourself lying serenely in a glade, a dryad taking a break from the hunt in the woods with Artemis. Suddenly a man pushing all boundaries of the definition of _gorgeous_ appears before you, and by the Gods does he look like a crank, a ruffian, a big and hairy satyr from the looks of all that hair, but with the smile of Euphrosyne and the carnal prowess of Eros.

 _I’m such a nerd_ , you think. _Man of my dreams just called me beautiful and I’m thinking about Greek mythology._

Realizing you haven’t spoken yet, you open your mouth. “Danny, I--so are… don’t think I’ve met anyone this gorgeous. And I really like you, obviously.”

“Yeah,” he chuckles. “Me too.”

“Hmm,” you smile, finally getting some confirmation. “Suzy told me.”

“What? When?”

“That first time you invited me for lunch at the office. Before you showed me the Grump room.”

“That girl sees right through me. Did anybody else…?”

“Ross, but… _Ross._ ”

Dan giggles and holds you in closer. “Yeah, I know. How come you didn’t say anything?”

“I think I was just making sure.”

“Yeah.” He kisses you. “Yeah,” he repeats, then goes for another kiss. You respond by leaning back and yawning once more. Dan just laughs, and turns off the light next to him. “That better?”

“Mm-hmm…”

“Goodnight,” he says, kissing your neck, up to your jaw. You shake a little when he whispers, “Sweet dreams.”

Lying together in the dark, you wonder how you stepped into this rabbit hole, how many colorful characters you’d met and played with. How many Drink Me’s and Eat Me’s had there been? A droplet here, a button there. Before the renaissance fair you’d felt a bit lost, without a sense of direction or even where to go and end up. But what was it that the Cheshire Cat spoke to Alice? _Then, it really doesn’t matter which way you go._

 _’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves_ , you sing in your head. “All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe…”

“Did you say something?” Dan mumbles. You respond with naught but a kiss, and soon find pleasant dreams in the safety of his presence.

 

The next morning, he’s awakened from the smell of breakfast seeping in through the bedroom door. He walks through groggily but clearly happy, to see you and what you were offering to his belly that day. Scrambled eggs, potato pancakes, honeydew melon and kiwi, and the _piece de resistance_ of any and all hot-blooded breakfasts, _bacon_.

“Happy Fourth!” you say, handing a plate to Dan, who’s seemingly confused.

“May the Fourth be with us?”

“Unfortunately not. It’s the birth of our sovereign and ever-prosperous nation. You know, Fireworks Barbeque Day.”

“Oh, you’re right! I didn’t even kinda realize that the days were still… going… I need some breakfast.” He shovels a bunch of food onto his plate. “Got plans for tonight?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna be with my dad. He’s the best cook in the world. I can’t wait to see what we have for lunch before we go to the gearhead barbeque.”

“ _Gearhead_ barbeque?”

“My dad is--well, my dad and I both are really into classic cars. And car people tend to be corn-fed Americans. And Americans tend to favor the barbeque.”

“I like how you talk about us like you’re not one of us.”

“Well, I didn’t grow up here.”

“What kinda stuff do you eat back in your country?”

You have a flashback to memories of your homeland, where they eat Guinea pig and grain. You’d found most Westerners had an irrational attachment to the former and would become a little upset if you mentioned this. But Daniel’s different. Daniel has Arin and Ross for friends.

“Fried rat and sand.”

“Wha- _hahahahahat?_ ”

“Eh, poor country, everybody’s hungry, everyone takes what they can get and somehow make a huge and filling meal out of it.” You get some bacon from the pan onto your plate and Dan points at the greasy strips.

“Bacon Theory. Now. Dude, tell me now. Been waiting two months, come on, tell me.”

“Ha ha, you’re right, shit, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long.” Dan sits on a stool behind the counter and listens intently while eating his breakfast. “Okay. The Bacon Theory of Human Evolution. Why do we love bacon? It has salt, sugar, fat, and smoke. The human body cannot survive without salt; it will die. Sugar. Sugar increases mood-boosting endorphins and provide a temporary chemical ‘high’. Fat means _I will survive today. I’m alive_. And lastly, smoke, which has been with us since Man figured out how to cook meat over a fire--cooked meat is softer on our teeth, which is also another factor in why the shapes of our skulls and jaws changed so much. And that’s the best I can remember.”

“Cool,” he says, taking a bite out of his bacon. “You can call that food for thought.”

You flick a melon seed off your finger at him. He retaliates by doing the same thing with a little bit of potato, but it lands on his cheek somehow. Feeling frolicsome, you lean in and _lick_ his face.

“Oh-- _uwaaugh_ , fuck, you’re sick.”

“What was that?” you ask in a normal voice. “Suck my _diiiick?_ ”

“Yes! No! I don’t know!”

You laugh and go back to eating and appreciating this calm, normal moment in your life. It’s something nice. _Things are allowed to be nice_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost 6:00 as I post this. Shoulda gone to bed but I couldn't stop.


	12. Dependence Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaaaas queen I am finally back.

“Golly, his hair is bigger than his head.”

“Yep.”

“Isn’t this the guy from that silly music video with the phallic rocket ship?”

“Yep.”

Your dad laughs and hands the phone back to you. “You’ve been editing these kids’ videos? No wonder you’ve been so cheery lately. I’m glad to see you happy again.”

“I’m not editing the Ninja Sex Party music videos; just the gaming ones.”

“Well whatever it is, it’s good work. You’re a star. Grab the salad bowl.”

You take the kale and barley salad over to the table in the backyard and set it down next to the watermelon slices. Dad is tending to the barbeque, and your stepmom walks out of the house with the landline phone, handing it to you. “It’s your mommy.”

“Thanks, Leonor. Hey mom, how ya doing?”

“Birdie sweetie hi, I’m great, are you eating enough?”

“We’re just about to sit down. Dad made this awesome salad thing. And barbeque, of course. Can’t be 4th of July without meat. Unless you’re vegan. I’m guessing you’re not celebrating?”

“Nah, don’t need to. But I did make yucca bread yesterday. My students said they tasted like clouds.”

“Aw man, I wish I were eating those right now. South America may be an ass backwards continent, but wow, the gastronomy is just so rich.”

“You are eating breakfast every day now, right?”

“I try to. I had a great meal this morning.”

“Oh, that’s good. What did you have?”

You look back at your dad and stepmom, who are too busy getting the food together to pay attention to your conversation. You walk further away to sit under the tree in the yard. “Well, it’s not so much about the food but the circumstances. You remember that guy I told you about? Dan?”

“Bird nest boy?”

“Yeah, the one with the hair. I made him breakfast this morning.”

“Oh my god. Did he spend the night?”

“Yeah, it was so nice. We cuddled and then fell asleep together.”

“You better be using protection.”

“Goddammit ha ha we are. Well, it’s only been once, but yeah, I’m being safe. And I really like him, you know? Not like how I did when I was nothing but a fan. This is different, it’s more real. More… alive? And I know he likes me too, which is…” you smile. “Holy shit.”

Your mom laughs and singsongs: “You _liiike_ him, you wanna _kiiiss_ him, date him and _maaarry_ him.”

“Yeah yeah, that’s it in a nutshell. Oh hey, I wanted to tell you that I convinced my friends from work to come with me on a weekend retreat to the woods. We’re gonna swim in the lake, and do a lot of painting and tie-dyeing and all kinds of hippie crafts. It’s all run by Zef’s mother. Did I tell you she was at the Monterey Pop Festival?”

“What’s that?”

“The one where The Who smashed their instruments and then Jimi Hendrix smashed his guitar _and_ set it on fire.”

“Oh yeah! Ha ha Ji- _maaay!_ ”

“I gotta go, it’s foodtime.”

“Alright Birdie, well, tell your dad and Leonor that I wish them a happy 4th.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you more.”

You hang up and go to the table, where pork chops and mashed potatoes and the kale salad are waiting for everyone’s teeth to chew them up. You sit down next to Leonor. Your parents separated when you were eight, and Dad has been with Leonor for two years, but she’s been a friend of the family since before you were even born. She was like your mom’s sister, and her son Martin was always like a brother to you. It was unfortunate that he couldn’t be in California for Independence Day.

“How’s Martin?”

“Aw, don’t remind me,” she says. “I miss my son, I wanna see him.”

“S’okay,” you hold her hand. “Ya got us. And he’ll be here after the Pride Parade, right?”

“Yeah. Be careful when you go out there, I don’t want you to get tear-gassed or arrested.”

Your dad chimes in. “You’d better not climb on top of a truck like you did at the Women’s March. Are you _trying_ to get arrested?”

“No! I just--it was just fun, alright? A heat of the moment thing.”

“Heat of the moment can still get you arrested. Please, honey, _please_ be careful.”

“I will, I will. Can we talk about something else now?”

“Oh yeah,” Dad says. “(Y/N’s) got a boyfriend.”

Leonor raises her eyebrows. “ _Really?_ Congratulations, what’s his name?”

“We’re not a couple, don’t congratulate me yet. But his name’s Dan and I work with him. He’s thirty-nine and absolutely hilarious and really sweet.”

“Thirty-nine? Wouldn’t you rather be with someone around your age?”

“Hey, my dad was fifteen years older than my mom when they had me. And besides that, people my age never really liked me, especially as a child. I don’t care that he’s almost forty. He’s nice to me. He’s nice to everybody.”

“When do we get to meet him?” she asks.

“Mm… if and when we’re in a relationship, most likely. Like I said, we’re not a couple. And he’s a little famous too. There are scores of people who are in love with him to the point of probably being insanely jealous at the thought of him settling down. But that’s not love, that’s obsession. And I think I love him.”

“Does he know?”

“He knows I like him. But I don’t know if he knows that I’m head over heels for him. Pass the salad, please.”

 

That night at the fireworks show, your dad and stepmom got snuggled up together in a blanket like two kids in love while you found a spot away from them to lie back and watch the lights in the sky. Chewing some edibles, you wonder how fireworks were invented and how they get so many luminous colors and shapes. Of course, most inventions were discovered by accident.

_Like chocolate chip cookies._

You take another weed cookie and eat it slowly. The colors burst in the sky into your kaleidoscope eyes. If only you were flying high up there with Lucy. If only you were lying on the grass next to Dan, who you’ve found yourself thinking about more and more. The desire to be with him, not just sexually but romantically was getting too great to bear. You have to tell him about this.

_I’ll do it tomorrow._


	13. Him

“ _Haaah… huff… huff…_ ”

The cold water hit you like an icy hug. It wasn’t exactly pleasant, but opening the C valve seemed to make sense in your situation. After waking up on the morning of the 5th, you checked your messages and saw many congratulatory messages from your friends who were fans of Game Grumps. But one in particular plucked a nerve like a mandolin string.

It was a text from him.

_Him._

_Gabriel._

Gabriel is your ex-boyfriend. The man you’d moved mountains for and loved with every fiber of your soul. The man who was the first person to say you weren’t crazy. The man who said his life was better with you in it. The man who abandoned you.

“Why, why, why?”

You hyperventilate in the shower and try to calm down, but the rush of the cold water made your muscles feel like stones in a sack of skin. You turn the H valve and feel a warm hug enfold you. You breathe more easily now, and then begin to weep. And boy do you cry. You sit on the shower floor with tears streaming down your cheeks, mixing with the hot water. You’re a little body in a fetal position, trying to regress to those halcyon days in utero. But there’s no way of being born again, at least not in the literal sense.

Eventually the crying stops and you’re preparing breakfast, listening to music on shuffle. The song playing is “Hauntsly Pinkerdinkle” by Yvette Young. The title is silly, but there’s nothing risible about the lyrics. You listened to that song all the time before you were with Gabriel, before you dropped your previous life in California to move up to New York City to be with him.

_I feel volatile in this room_

_Wrapped in memories_

_And a blanket_

_To hide myself_

_Are you watching over me?_

_Will you be my friend tonight?_

_Captivated by the moon_

_I could use some company_

_Cold hands, cold breath_

_If I don’t have a pulse, you’ll resuscitate_

“If I don’t have a pulse, you’ll resuscitate…”

You wipe away your tears and look at the phone, at his text.

_“I can’t believe you’re a Grump now! That is so cool! Good for you, (Y/N)”_

You remember seeing him at the airport. Kissing him for the first time.

_We can pretend you’re a healer_

_We can pretend you’re my savior_

You remember nearly dying of an accidental DXM overdose and thinking about him instead of grabbing a knife and snuffing your life out there on the floor.

_Silent night_

You remember the night you heard Mama Cass singing “Dream a Little Dream of Me” and dancing with him in his bedroom, making love shortly thereafter.

_Holy night_

And you remember running to St. John’s Cathedral shortly after the breakup and lighting a candle while the choir practiced a hymn in Latin.

“What am I gonna do?” you say, just as you said then.

 _That’s easy_ , says the White Wolf. _You’re gonna finish your breakfast and reply to him in a cheerful manner. Or not reply at all._

“I think I have to.”

 _You_ think _you have to. Doesn’t mean you really need to, right?_

“Well, I guess so. But I’m gonna do it. Hmph. Right on the day I decided to tell Dan how I feel.”

You reply to Gabriel: _“Yeah, I’m sittin’ pretty over here. Even drew my own little Grump head. How have you been, Gabe?”_

You can’t remember the last time you called him Gabe.

_“I’m good, been doing a road trip this summer through the Pacific Northwest with the band. We’ve been playing street concerts. We’re gonna be in San Francisco on the 9th, in Golden Gate Park.”_

He’s coming to California?

The next song is “Don’t Change Your Plans” by Ben Folds Five, which hits way too close to home. You push the Next button. Ah, good, Pink Floyd. Can’t go wrong with Pink Floyd.

_“I love that park, it’s like a city. What about Los Angeles?”_

_“No, we’re going as far as San Francisco and then back to New York, with a few possible stops along the way in hillbilly country. See how the other half lives.”_

_“Maybe I’ll see you guys up north.”_

_WHAT?_ Says the White Wolf.

“I don’t know! I don’t know why I said that!”

_“Yeah, that’d be nice. I gotta go now, take care! And good luck on editing GG”_

_“Thanks, Gabriel. See ya!”_

You slump over on the couch.

“Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus Christ with a cherry on top fuckfest. What the hell is going on in my life?”

 _Hey, it’s better than being ordinary and average_ , says the Black Wolf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNylxQTou0Y   
> Hauntsly Pinkerdinkle 20:59
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJwjLYRPxJY  
> Dream a Little Dream of Me


	14. All is Lost

Your uncommon timidity delayed the confession to Daniel by two days. Now it’s the night of the 6th, and you’re sitting on your lonesome in the editing bay, trying to figure out how to do this. There’s so much at stake. Your job, your friendship, the trust you’ve built between each other, it’s a gamble. Dan is sweet and kind, kinder than most people, but after what happened with gentle Gabriel, everything was a wager.

“Gee Danny, there’s something I gotta tell ya. No, no, why are you making your dialogue sound like it’s out of a corny flick from the 1940’s?”

As a young child, you never believed in that hokum notion that only boys should confess their feelings to a girl. It was stupid and sexist, even if you didn’t have any luck with the beaus you fancied in those schoolgirl days. You were always too pimply, too metal-mouthed, too boyish, too nerdy. Well, they were too blind and stupid.

“It’s okay though, suffering builds character. My dad said something like that. Okay, let’s try this again. Danny--Uh, Dan, I… no. Um… Fuck.”

_You’re twenty-three, this isn’t supposed to be hard. And he clearly likes you, so it’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel. Now try it again, but act naturally._

You roll your eyes and say gallantly, “Will you marry me?”

“Sure,” Ross answers. “But I want a winter wedding.”

You feel your skin crawl when you swivel around to look at Ross. He’s smiling. “Can I bring my wife as my plus one?”

“Goddammit, Ross.”

“What are you still doing in here? Aren’t you gonna go home? You finished everything half an hour ago. Usually you grab your things and bolt to go smoke your pipe.”

With your head low, you look at Ross and say, “It’s Dan. I think I’m in love with him.”

“Nooo, really?”

“I know, I know, but it’s different, you see? Like I loved him as a fan, but now I actually know him, and it feels like something inside me is working again. I don’t seem so sedated anymore. And I want to tell him tonight that I have feelings for him, but I’m scared of being rejected. I mean, he’s _Danny Sexbang_.”

Ross rolls in a little closer on his chair. “No, he isn’t. You know that he’s just a character. I guarantee that when you go up to him, you’ll be talking to Dan Avidan.”

“Yeah. Yeah! Yeah you’re right!”

“Okay, are you ready?”

Ross gets up and pushes your office chair out the door. You tip over and fall on your hip. That’s gonna bruise tomorrow. You wobble on the floor a little, glaring at Ross. He shuts the door.

“Okay,” you breathe, lying on your back. “Lock and load. Rock and roll.”

Walking slowly, you try not to think about what you’re gonna say to Dan. It should come out naturally, in the heat of the moment, so to speak. You’re fine, there ain’t no trouble a-brewin’. His voice sounds faint, and so does Arin’s. The voices are coming from the meeting room, and you stop at the wall next to the doorway to “not think” some more. But by doing that, you hear their conversation.

“I don’t know what to do, Arin. I mean, she’s great, but I don’t have feelings for her. Well, I do, but not like _that_. And I don’t want to string her along. I don’t know how to do this without breaking her heart, even though I’ve had to leave girls before.”

Your heart palpitates. What did he say?

“Look, buddy,” Arin says in a serious voice. “If you’re not feeling it, you gotta get out of it. Yeah she’ll be sad, but the wound _will_ heal. And you haven’t known each other for very long, so it’s not like you’re filing for divorce, right?”

_Oh god no. Please, my god no. Don’t do this to me._

You slowly step away from the meeting room, feeling frigid air all over your body.

“I hate doing this.”

“I know, Dan. But you gotta do what you gotta do.”

With an incredible stride, you fly to the exit door and all the way to your car, where you drive home a little too fast, screaming your lungs out behind the wheel. The racket finally stops when you park the car. And just like Ross said, you get to the bedroom and take out your pipe to light it with shaky hands.

“ _All is lost_ ,” says the Black Wolf.

It takes two bowls to relax you completely.

 

You call in sick the next day through Suzy.

“…Yeah, real horrorshow over here, puking from both ends, you can call me Linda Blair.”

“Sounds nasty. You rest up and get well soon, okay?”

“Yes, mommy.”

“Bye, sweetie.”

You toss the phone and yourself onto the bed and cuddle with the pillows. You think about Dan, and how, as he said, that he doesn’t really like you. You never should’ve believed anyone like that could have feelings for you. It’s ridiculous. Then you think about Gabriel and how his charming green eyes light up when he smiles. He is a true Adonis, someone who should be sculpted out of marble and remain forever as such. He has the voice of an angel, at least not one from Heaven, or maybe a siren, plucking a harp with his wings spread as he sits on the rocky shore of his isle, waiting for you to sail to him. He was the best lover you ever had. Why didn’t it work out?

“Why shouldn’t it work out?” you say, taking the phone to send a text to Gabriel.

_“I think I will come over on the 9th”_

A few seconds pass.

_“That’s wonderful! Do you want to meet up somewhere?”_

You think about landmarks in the city. There’s only one you really want to go to.

_“How about Haight-Ashbury? Right under the street sign.”_

_“I knew you’d say that. Either that or the Grateful Dead House.”_

_“Yep, you know me.”_

You go over estimated times of arrival while checking the timetable for flights to San Francisco on the 9th. Soon it’s all settled. You’re gonna see the one who got away. You smile, not thinking of anything else but his golden smile and soft embrace. The way his hair smelled, the way he kissed.

 

You’re “sick” the next day too, and after calling Suzy, you get a few texts from Dan over the next hour. You don’t answer to any of them, fearing his true intentions.

_“(Y/N) are you okay? Do you need me to drive you to the hospital?”_

_“Or should I come over with some soup?”_

_“Come on, if you can light a pipe you can answer a text.”_

_“I’m sorry, I’m just kinda worried.”_

_“I guess you’re probably sleeping. Sweet dreams then :)”_

Now you do feel a little sick. So you answer him.

_“I was just eating a little and taking a long shower. It’s not as bad as it was yesterday, I’m okay, really”_

_“That’s awesome. Really glad to hear that. Are you okay enough for me to come over, maybe? We have to talk about some stuff.”_

You break into a cold sweat and breathe deeply. _“No, I’d rather be alone right now, I’m all grotesque. I look like Kuato from Total Recall.”_

_“Ha ha okay. Just let me know if you need anything.”_

You put the phone away and decide to reminisce over times when you were happy with Gabriel. When he was your whole world after nearly dying a few times last year; losing two jobs and having to move in with your dad after you couldn’t afford the apartment anymore. But at least you were freed from your four psycho roommates. Not that you were any less crazy than they were, but still, yeesh.

Gabriel had become the last good thing in your life. When you moved to New York, the stress of uprooting your life was too great and you couldn’t find a job or place to live on your own in a short amount of time. There was so much pressure. And Gabriel cracked. He couldn’t be in a relationship anymore with you. So you felt abandoned, just like the day your mother left your dad and left the country on the same day.

But it was so good when it was good. The sadness you felt afterwards was the happiness you once felt, and at that time it was the happiest you’d ever been in your life, albeit really worn after a whole year of being on a knife edge. You remember when he said, “ _I’m really glad I met you, (Y/N). My life is better with you in it, and I love you._ ”

Why didn’t it work out? Why was everything filled with bad circumstances?

“It won’t be the same this time,” you say, packing a backpack for tomorrow.


	15. Break

Summery morning air. You’re seated on the 7:20 nonstop to San Francisco, feeling nothing but a rumble in your belly due to skipping breakfast. You’re absolutely thrilled to see Gabriel again, and indifferent to everything else. You received a couple of texts from Dan, but ignored them and put the phone on Airplane Mode, and plug yourself into your iPod. The flight offers snacks but you don’t take any, only a small plastic bottle of wine to loosen yourself up a bit. You end up giggling for the first twenty minutes of the flight, and ask for a bag of pita chips when the stewardess with the cart comes by again. Finally after listening to Moon Safari for an hour, the plane touches ground--as a traveler, this is one of your favorite feelings. But there are butterflies in your stomach. Gabriel. Dear Gabriel.

With the scientific marvel of having an electronic map that can fit in your pocket, you use Google Maps to hop onto the red trolleys and take a journey over to Haight-Ashbury, where you’ve been before, where you’ll be again soon, where _he_ will be there, and you know he will, because he just texted you to say he was on his way. Then you get another text, and smile.

It’s from Dan. You stop smiling.

_“You’re not at home, where are you?”_

“Oh fuck,” you whisper. “Fuckity fuck.”

 _Don’t answer_ , says the Black Wolf. _It can only be bad. Focus on Gabriel._

“Yes.”

So you ignore three calls from Dan.

You walk down the Haight and admire the colorful houses and colorful people. The smell of weed has appeared over fifteen times. There are nomadic freaks all over the place, still searching for the dream of the Summer of Love, fifty-one years too late. Of course, you were searching for it too, but like your hippie dad said, “we used up all that fun.”

But you desired that fun, and last summer had been your Summer of Love, in New York with Gabriel. Where everything was sunshine and rainbows for the first two weeks, and that somehow quickly went sour after a couple of months. You were sick, and Gabriel decided not to care for you.

You arrive at the Haight-Ashbury sign.

_He took my love and threw me away._

While standing there for about five minutes, you had thought about all you had done to make him happy, and how by some reason he refused to comfort you when you were really depressed. You were sure that he truly loved you until he made it clear that he didn’t. He wasn’t there for you.

He is there.

“(Y/N)! Eyy! How are you?”

You whirl around and see Gabriel in the flesh for the first time in a year and a half. He hasn’t changed a bit, still trim and fit, still strikingly beautiful. Your first thought is to kiss him, and your next thought is to kill-- _kill?_

_Who you gonna kill?_

“Oh, I’m much better. Yourself?”

“I’m great, y’know.  Being in a traveling band is wonderful. You get to see so many places and meet all kinds of different people. Different accents.”

“H-how’s New York?”

“Right now, hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.”

You laugh. “That doesn’t sound like a New York expression.”

He smiles. “Yeah, I don’t remember where I picked that one up.”

“So… when are you guys playing?”

“Oh, there’s still a couple of hours. We have some time to kill.”

You look down at your feet and then feel a buzz in your pocket. You check the newest text from Dan.

_“Please answer me, (Y/N). If you’re in some kind of trouble, I want to help you, whatever it is.”_

That’s when you come to the realization that even if he doesn’t have feelings for you, he still genuinely cares. Gabriel split out of fright when you were sick.

_What am I doing here?_

“You know what…” you say, taking the phone out of your pocket and removing the SIM card. “I forgot to give this back to you before I left the City.”

You hand the phone over to Gabriel.

“Give your dad my thanks for letting me borrow it.”

You turn around and walk up the Haight.

“What--Where are you going?”

Without looking back, you say: “Well I gotta find a new phone, don’t I?”

 

The flight back to Los Angeles was uneventful. Whenever you or your dad travels, you say “May you have a boring flight” to each other, because it’s better to sit through nothing than through a hijack or an electrical storm. When the plane landed and you took your new phone off of Airplane Mode in the Uber, your messages blew up in front of you.

One of them is from Suzy, asking you what’s going on. You pull up your thumbs, and start texting.

 

****

 

“Any luck?”

“No, Arin. Nothing yet.”

Dan got up and walked slowly to the editing bay, where her things were. That’s where she’d put up Genesis and Yes posters immediately after becoming a regular editor. On her desk, a small pile of composition books she used to write down plot ideas. He leaned in to look at the Polaroids and other photos on the wall. One from a trip to Six Flags in early June, where everyone in the car was screaming, except for her and Dan. They were looking at each other warmly and laughing.

 _What were we laughing about?_ Dan thought.

Nothing. He remembered that. They’d just looked at each other and started giggling. It was so warm. Dan smiled then and now, looking at that photograph. Three days without her was noticeably lonely as she was such a spirited person. He remembered the first time he saw her, in that costume she said she’d pieced together out of clothes from three different Goodwills, and how she strummed and plucked that little mandolin. On acid. Dan laughed a little. What a girl. What a peculiar girl.

“Dan! Get over here!” Suzy called. Dan went and found her. “I got a text from her.”

“What does it say?” he asked, leaning over her shoulder.

“It says _I just really need a break._ I don’t know what she means by that.”

Dan rushed towards the exit.

“Wait--where are you going?”

“I know where she is.”

He shut the door.


	16. Swim to Me

It ripples through the watery enclosure with as much ease as a bird flies in the sky. The creature is strange and a pretty rare sight, so you make sure to watch it for longer than usual. A squid in a shell. Nautilus. What an alien animal. The Underwater really is an alien world compared to what we see on our surface. Living, breathing things that are unique to their realm and bear no similitude to us.

Done with watching the nautilus propel itself around the enclosure, you head for another area, listening to “Aquarium” by Camille Saint-Saens on a loop. It made you feel like a water fairy traveling on a puff of air or by tiptoe over to the jellyfish. Marvelous. Like living water, or Christmas lights. How could something like this exist, and what was its thought process? _Swim, eat, swim, eat, etcetera_. There’s a freshwater lake somewhere in the world where the jellyfish inside have no natural predators, so they didn’t evolve with the necessity for stingers. You can’t imagine how ethereal it must be swimming in there and touching them.

Moving right along to your favorite part of the aquarium, you think not of your life or situations you’ve been in, but only of colors and shapes. The pink of that fish, the dark umber of that anemone, the perfect suction cups on the tentacles of the great octopus, which you remember seeing even in your childhood. How old were the oldest animals in these watery cages? How many were bred in captivity? How many leafy sea dragons did they pluck from the ocean?

You stare at them, now listening to “Clear Waters” by Kevin MacLeod. You need a “wall of sound”, as your dad had put it once. Background music. A soundtrack to your life, to the daily grind. And this was perfect for that moment. You placidly stare at the sea dragons and close your eyes, close them and dream, you daydream, what a day for a daydream.

_Dream a little dream of me…_

Suddenly you’re whirled around as you open your eyes. The man holding onto you is--

“Dan? Wha--why… how did--”

“Your text to Suzy. I remembered you saying that you come here when you really need a break.”

“Oh, yeah, I did say that.”

“You gonna tell me what’s happening?”

You look down. “Not right now, okay? Can we just… can we enjoy the aquarium first?”

He smiles a little. “Of course, (Y/N). I paid like thirty bucks to get in here.” You laugh.

After watching the sea lions and smelling the puffins and looking at the inside of a shark egg, you finally open up near the shark tanks.

“It’s about my ex. He congratulated me for being on Game Grumps. He hasn’t spoken to me in months and only _now_ he does this. I guess I shouldn’t be so bothered by it, but it bothered me. That ever happened to you?”

“I’m older than you. Of _course_ it’s happened to me.”

“Right, right. By the way, I went to San Francisco today.”

“You what? Wow, you really needed an escape, didn’t you.”

You nod. “Went to Haight-Ashbury, bought a new decoration for my room, got a new phone, and I walked around Golden Gate Park a little looking for Stow Lake. Legend has it that a woman drowned in there looking for her baby and now her spirit haunts the place. But the Park is so huge that I couldn’t find the lake. Oh! And at one point while searching, I tripped over a rock and fell to the ground. Right in front of this.”

You open a small book you’d taken out of your pocket and inside is a four-leaf clover. Dan’s eyes widened at the sight of it. “Woah,” he says. “Small adventures and happy accidents. That’s what meeting you was like.”

You smile. “You think so?”

“Well, of course. Um, there’s something I have to talk to you about.”

You start to sweat a little. “Can it wait for another day? I need to relax. Hey, let’s go into this aviary full of loud-ass birds!”

You buy a cup of nectar and go inside with Dan. Almost immediately, a lorikeet lands on his hair. Two are on your arm, drinking the sweet nectar. Their tongues are grey. You look up at Dan, who’s praying the bird doesn’t shit in his hair. You laugh wholeheartedly at this spectacle, and Dan laughs too, feeling very jovial and musical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVpl-RNzdE4  
> Aquarium
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnAYasTGGUc  
> Clear Waters
> 
> I actually got a four-leaf clover a few days ago ^_^  
> 


	17. The March

13th of July, Friday. The Pride Parade, turned into a March, just like last year. The Trump regime is so hated that it made the _gays_ cancel a parade. And there you are with the bisexual flag as a cape and a t-shirt in the same colors reading SUPERQUEER. Some women are still sporting the iconic 2017 Pussyhat, even though it’s the middle of summer. There’s a multitude of different shapes, sizes, races, genders. And everyone looks beautiful marching down Santa Monica Blvd towards City Hall.

“When we get to Shitty Hall,” Dangerfield says, “I’m gonna make my grand appearance before the cameras onto live TV. My parents will be so proud.”

“Don’t get into any trouble, alright? Especially with the evangelists and Trumpeteers. Your little ass better behave.”

He rolls his eyes. “Whatever, Mom.”

“Come on, let’s take a selfie.”

Dangerfield and you smile for your phone camera and then send the picture to Dan. He replies with a rainbow emoji on a photo of him smiling with a thumbs up. Your adorable friend. Only a friend.

_Don’t think about it._

He sends you a text: _“We’re gonna be busy recording all day, so I’m turning my phone off. Have fun!”_

You smile and put your phone away. The sights around you are more interesting than any electronic device anyway. Bears in leather underwear and chains. You wonder what their sunburn will look like. A Queen wearing an elaborate ballroom gown with Donald Trump’s ugly mug all over it. Did she--er, he make it himself? Five gorgeous tan men with pink and purple glitter all over their glistening bodies. You wanted to roll over all of them to catch some glitter yourself. An organization of transgender women baring their breasts; nipples censored with tape. You feel proud of these girls. They’re so beautiful and brave. You’re approaching City Hall.

“Wow,” says Dangerfield. “Look at them. They have everything I’m trying to get rid of.”

“You got your top surgery appointment yet?”

“Nah, I’m not even getting T.”

_T for Testosterone._

“Can you get it for free in the state of California on your insurance or something though?”

“Argh, I don’t know, I’ve only just started looking for a new name. Being called Danger is cool, but I need a proper name. You got any ideas? Say anything but Aiden. That’s the John Smith of trans names.”

You laugh and think for a moment, looking at your friend. “You kinda look like a Tyler. Or Calvin. Or, you know what? You look like a Sebastian.”

Dangerfield’s eyes widen when you say that. “ _Sebastian_ ,” he repeats. “Holy crap, just like the guy from _The Ginger Man_! And I even have red hair! Yeah, yeah, Sebastian Dangerfield. Okay, that’s my new name.”

“Yeah? You want me to call you Sebastian from now on?”

“Well you can still call me Danger, but Sebastian is gonna be the name on my driver’s license and documents.”

“You know what?” you say, reaching into your bag. You pull out the four-leaf clover, preserved in glass. “I think you need this more than I do.”

“Holy shit. Is this real?”

“It is. I found it in San Francisco.”

“When were you in San Francisco?”

“Never you mind that. It’s yours.”

He smiles brightly. You lean in and kiss your friend’s cheek. Danger giggles, and leans in to kiss your lips. You take it, very sweetly. Suddenly, you’re both drenched in hot coffee. You scream.

“ _FUCKING FAGGOTS!_ ” a voice bellows.

You turn to look at the assailant, a large man with a dirty baseball cap and a graying goatee. You’ve seen way too many guys who look just like him. But that doesn’t matter, you’re hurt. You’re really hurt.

_What’s happening?_

There’s a big man yelling. There’s Sebastian screaming back. He’s trudging over to the big man. There’s a news camera in your face. A camera on Sebastian and the big man. Big man is about to knock Sebastian over.

“NO!” you yell, and shove your friend out of the way. That’s the last thing you remember before being slammed against the asphalt. The rest is fleeting darkness and sudden glimpses of the real world.

 

.

..

…

… _Dan?_

 

You wake up hours later in a hospital bed. Your dad, stepmom, and Sebastian are in the room, your dad closest to you.

“Dad?”

“Oh, you’re finally awake,” he says relieved, squeezing Leonor’s hand. “You should see the side of your head. You look like you got a zipper there.”

“What?”

“That homophobic fuckwad you saved my ass from pushed you down so hard that your scalp split and your skull cracked. You’ve got stitches and staples, man. Oh, and his ass got arrested. And I spit on him.”

“I got what?” you say to Sebastian before feeling around your head. “I don’t feel pain.”

“Well, they’ve got morphine in you.”

“Oh. Well how ’bout dat.”

You look around the room, not being able to move much. You’re really woozy and wobbly, like a cat right after being neutered. “Where’s…” you begin. “My phone… call Dan…”

“I got you, buddy. After the fucking staff finally let me in here, I got your phone and called him. That was ten minutes ago.”

“Thenks Sebestchun… yer a real pal,” you mumble.

“Much obliged.”

You blink slowly a few times before falling asleep a little; waking up when you feel a hand placed over yours. You open your tired eyes and see nobody else but Dan there, looking concerned but relieved to see that you’re awake and fine.

“I may have saved my buddy’s life,” you say. “Are you here to give me my Purple Heart?”

Dan smiles and laughs, hugging you gently. “I’m so glad you’re okay, (Y/N). For a moment I thought you were gonna die on me.”

“I’m in my early twenties, Dan. I’m indestructible.”

“Sure you are.”

You straighten yourself up a little, ready to have a chat. “I hope this doesn’t sound offensive, this may be the medication, but how come you’re pretending to like me?”

His smile fades. “What? What are you talking about?”

“Look, the reason I was MIA for a few days and avoiding you is because--” you feel a lump in your throat. You don’t want the words to leave your mouth. You don’t want to believe that Dan doesn’t really like you. “When I went to San Francisco, it wasn’t just an escape. I went to see my ex.”

Dan is silent.

“I ended up seeing him for only two minutes, just to return one of his belongings. And I wouldn’t have made the silly decision of going if--”

_Say it. Say it!_

“I heard you talking with Arin last week. I heard you saying that you don’t like me in _that way_. And that hit me like a truck bashing into a wall. Or my head against the asphalt. And it bothered me so much because _I_ have feelings for--”

“(Y/N), no, no, no.” he sighs. “Remember when I kept saying I had to talk to you about something?” He gulps a little and says, “I kinda had a girlfriend back in May. A girl I’d been seeing since a Christmas party at Mark’s. And she’s great, very nice, but something in our relationship lacked… a certain substance. I wanted to tell you before your birthday, before you became our editor, but I was just so busy having fun with you and getting to know you. So, yeah. I broke up with her last week.”

“Aw jeez,” you croak. “This is heavy.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I just thought that maybe, that telling you about it would ruin what we have, or something.”

You gaze into his eyes. “I may be a little concussed, but I’m gonna try to phrase this. You thought that maybe I didn’t _like_ like you, and that telling me you had a girlfriend or were going to break up with her would make things awkward between us.”

“Yeah, something like that.”

You smile weakly. “Well, you don’t have to worry about a thing. Except maybe my new zipper.”

“Stay strong, babygirl.”

Your heart melted when he said that. He stroked your hair on the undamaged side of your head, and you gently went to rest, right before he kissed your forehead.


	18. Rain on the Roof

Three weeks have passed, and you’re loading the car with your things and helping Arin and Suzy get their stuff in too. The time has come for the weekend retreat you’d told your mother about on the phone. Unfortunately, Dan had to cancel because he was visiting his parents that weekend in Jersey. But you’re still determined to have fun up there in the woods, with or without Dan.

“I wanna drive!” you exclaim.

“Fat chance, Zipper. You and get to chill in the back seat and pass us snacks when need be.”

“Yeah (Y/N), you shouldn’t be operating heavy machinery.”

“Fine, but only for you, Suzy dear.”

“Good girl. Get your butt in the back.”

You do as you’re told and immediately start digging through the snacks. After a few minutes of stuffing yourself, you fall asleep due to the painkillers. Vicodin, a dark, warm blanket.

 _Life in lovely laudanum_ , you think before going into a dream, one of lying by a river and feeling the water between your fingers as the cherry blossoms smoothly drift towards you. The sun is warm and forgiving, the grass is a rich red and soft like baby hair. You want to fall asleep there and then, but you already are. So you decide to stay there and discover what else that picturesque world can give.

The water is warm and inviting, so you take off all your clothes and take a dip. The floor is bright orange and the water is a mix of turquoise and gold. You find that you can breathe underwater, and watch the bubbles rise. Then you turn yourself upside down and walk on the underside of the surface. This underwater world is by no means hostile, so you walk through it, then you run, and then you jump and spread your arms to fly. What a sensation. Swimming is the closest we’ll get to flying. Above you is a labyrinth of coral caves; in front, a school of koi fish in Technicolor red. You fly into the vortex and remain there, an upside down fetus awaiting birth.

Suddenly the fish scatter and you open your eyes. Swimming towards you is none other than Danny. Your Danny. You pirouette and meet him in time to embrace and then take his hands. For a moment you are only floating there, looking into each other’s eyes, until he leans in and brushes his lips over yours--

 

“(Y/N). Hey, (Y/N).”

You open your eyes. “Huh?”

“Gimme a sweaty handful of Pringles,” Arin says, his hand in front of you. You sit up and pass him a load of chips, then yawn.

“Are we there yet?”

“Nope,” Suzy says, pointing at the Satnav. “You’ve been asleep for about twenty minutes. We’ve got… another two hours.”

“Oh, swell. Just swell. Can I put on some music?”

“It’s your car.”

You plug in the aux cord and search for some songs. “I know what.”

You press the screen and play “Orgy for One” by Ninja Sex Party. Arin and Suzy laugh.

“Hey, for absent friends, right?” you say with a grin.

 

After setting up your tent and helping out with Arin and Suzy’s, you walk off to find Zef’s mom, Natasha. The lady who runs the camp like a B&B version of the Renaissance Pleasure Faire; she’s an old lady with the face of a child. Nearing 60, she has Audrey Hepburn’s eyes and Grace Kelly’s smile. She loves you very much and has known you since you were fourteen, when her son was eighteen and you went to the same school.

You find her making a granny square blanket and teaching a few of the other campers how to crochet. She taught you once, many years ago, and you picked it up quicker than anybody she’d tried to teach. There are some things that people just have a knack for. Like your dad, who at the age of four knew how sailboats work. He wanted to sail solo across the Atlantic when he was fourteen, and he would’ve tried if it had been legal.

Crocheting isn’t as adventurous, but you do sometimes like making yarn art in urban areas, like stitching a little cozy for a lamppost or a mailbox or a bench. The little things in life, little surprises like that could brighten someone’s day for at least a minute. You remember when you went to a park feeling blue, and came out smiling a little after seeing a big scarf knitted around a tree trunk.

You’re sitting on a swing tied to a tree branch, having the time of your life. You intended on dropping acid today, but your head injury made you cancel that plan. After a few minutes of imagining frothing dragons, Suzy runs up to you and asks if you’re gonna go tie-dyeing with her. You accept, and besides dyeing a pair of pants, you also get some sheets and decide to put those on the inside of your tent.

Your tent is cubed, not triangular, with enough room for a mattress. Natasha reserved this tent especially for you, since you’re like a daughter to her.

“Wow, thanks, Natasha. This is so cozy.”

“Yeah, you’ve got enough room to cuddle with your friends here.”

“Ah, those two are married. They cuddle with each other.”

“What about your guy Dan?”

“Mm. Dan couldn’t make it.”

“Oh, that’s right.”

“Yeah, it’s a real bummer.”

“No, what I mean is, I forgot to tell you that I saw him a few minutes ago.”

You perk up. “He’s _here?_ ”

She nods. “You wanna go find him?”

You don’t even answer that. You run out of the tent and fall over in the grass, woozy from a head rush. Getting back up proves a bit challenging, because it feels so good to lie down. It’s a gorgeous August day. And it’s a gorgeous man in your line of sight. He’s here.

“Hey (Y/N).”

“Hey Danny.”

“You hurt?”

“Nah man. I’m tough as an old boot.”

He helps you get up and gives you a big hug.

“How’s your head?”

The bandages are now fewer than they were before, and most of the pain was gone due to care and time. And strong drugs. You’re almost sure you’re gonna get addicted to Vicodin.

“Much better. But the hair around the wound is shorter than the rest of my hair. It looks so weird and funny.”

“You’re a mini Skrillex now.”

“Drop the bass! _BWEEEEOOWWW WOWWWW_ ”

Dan laughs and puts his arm around you, walking you away to where everyone’s doing crafts. You help him with tie-dying a T-shirt and in the meantime, crochet him a little pink flower and put it in his hair when he’s hanging up the shirt to dry. He removes the flower to see what it is, and smiles.

“I remember,” he says. “That was such a great day.” He looks at you knowingly. “You were so stoned.”

“Ha ha, yeah.”

“I really enjoyed walking around with you,” he begins. “Hey, you wanna go for a walk now?”

You smile and walk away. He follows you.

 

The rain is warm. His skin, his arms are warm. His kisses are soft and sweet as his touch. How did you get here?

 

While taking that walk, you’d ended up a mile away from everyone and further into farmlands, where the fields were wide and the hay bales were tall. You sat against one, laughing with Dan over a joke you were telling him of a girl tuba player who was stranded on a desert island with a one-legged jockey.

“…and so the one-legged jockey says _don’t worry about me, baby, I ride side-saddle!_ ”

Dan let out that clucking-like giggle and fell back in the hay with you. The sky was blue and the clouds were coming in. You watched them for a moment and then played “Mother Nature’s Son” by The Beatles on your phone. Dan closed his eyes and smiled. Your heart was beating a little hard because you wanted to kiss him, but resisted over some ( _masochistic?_ ) instinct.

“This is perfect,” he said. “I’ve had to relax for a while.”

“Yeah, me too. Especially what with the head wound and everything.”

“You still look great, though. I’m serious, you look like… some kinda fighter with a headband. I dunno.”

“Well, I did send someone to jail.”

“He sent himself.”

You smiled. “I’m glad to be alive. The dead only know one thing: it’s better to be alive.”

“Is that from _Full Metal Jacket_?”

“Yeah, that’s a quote from Joker.”

“Oh, I actually meant the song playing.”

You paid attention to the music. It’s “Wooly Bully”. “Oh wow,” you said. “I wasn’t even really listening. You ever get that? Where a song’s playing in the background and you unknowingly associate it with something else?”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“This song is _so_ much fun.”

You got up and danced, taking Dan’s hand to get him up. You danced together. “The trick to dancing, Dan, is to move not to the beat, but the guitar and keyboards. It’s much more fun that way!”

“Aw yeah, you’re totally right.”

You laughed together and took each other’s hands. He looked into your eyes and you looked back.

“This feels like a dream,” you said. “You just showed up here out of nowhere.”

“Well,” he twirled you around. “You showed up into my life out of somewhere.”

“Somewhere?” you put a hand on his shoulder.

“You were definitely _Somewhere_ when I met you, Acid Queen.”

You giggle. “Yeah, I suppose so.”

You hadn’t realized it, but you’d been dancing in the rain for a couple of minutes. Dan finally realized it first. “Oh man, how long have we been getting rained on?”

“I don’t know but it’s so refreshing! Come on, let’s go!”

You took his hand and ran back the way you came, and found shelter in an old barn with a tin roof. You made it in time too, because that’s when the rain poured harder. Very unusual for SoCal, but that’s okay. California needs water.

You sat there for a while, listening to the rain and an instrumental song on your phone. It was nice until your clothes started to feel damp.

“I’m gonna take these off and hang ’em somewhere.”

You stripped right down to your underwear while Daniel watched. He followed soon after. You lied down in a comfy spot and closed your eyes. The music and the sound of rain on the roof was more relaxing than any massage or mattress or even drugs.

_Ooh, drugs._

The pipe came out quickly from your bag and you lit it, Dan watching. “This is good stuff,” you said. “It’s called Skywalker OG.”

“Could I have some?”

You blinked. “Really? You haven’t smoked in like three years or something, right?”

“Hey, it’s a special occasion.”

You handed him the pipe. “Careful, that’s strong stuff. But it’s good.”

He inhaled twice and held his breath for a moment before exhaling with a sigh.

“ _Riiiight_ ,” you said. “Good, huh?”

“Excellent.”

You took turns smoking the pipe. Well, he only needed one more puff, you finished the bowl and felt like you could take another, but decided against it. You were just fine. Then your phone battery died.

“Ah, tits.”

Dan giggled wholeheartedly while you looked at him. When he was done, he looked at you in the eyes. What a handsome guy. You had such an impulse to kiss him. But before you could lean in, he said something.

“You know, (Y/N), I think this is long overdue, but I was wondering something.”

“Yeah?” your heart beat faster than before.

“Do you like me? I mean, I know you do, since we’re friends, but… jeez, I don’t know why I’m so slow about this. I’ve never met anyone like you, I’m having a little trouble.”

“Of course I like you, Daniel. I really do. More than anyone else I know.”

He smiled. “For a long time I thought you were with your friend Zef.”

You laughed. “What? How? Entirely why?”

“Well, he _is_ a dreamboat.”

You thought about it. Jozef really was exceedingly good-looking and charming and sweet, but…

“We’ve actually talked about it before, and laughed it off knowing it would never work. Because he reminds me of my dad, and I remind him of his little brother.”

“Oh! Ha ha ha!”

“Yep, that’s it for us. He’s my best friend. You’re the only dreamboat I want to sail.”

Dan laughed.

“Okay, that was a bad pickup line.”

“No, it’s sweet. You’re really sweet.”

“Look who’s talking. No one’s ever been good to me the way you are.”

You caressed his cheek. He responded by taking your hand in his and kissing you gently up to your shoulder and climbing on top of you when you moaned so delicately that he almost didn’t hear it over the rain hitting the tin roof. You took the back of his head and kissed him with so much passion that he rutted over you a little and then kissed down your breasts to your belly, and removed your undies. You wrapped your legs around his back almost as softly as he licked you.

 

You hold each other for a while, feeling nice and tired besides high from the weed. The rain is still falling outside, but it’s been diminished to a near drizzle. Dan’s got his arms around you like he never wants to leave. You both smell like citronella and hay. He kisses you again before looking into your eyes.

“It feels so good with you,” you say. “It’s never painful. You really know what you’re doing.”

“You’re amazing too. It’s like you know everything I want.”

“Well, I _want_ you.”

“Here I am.”

You smile and kiss him. “We should go back now,” you say after the kiss. “I’m getting hungry, and I think it’s almost lunchtime.”

“Yeah, I’m starving.”

“Really? After all that pussy you ate?”

Both of you laugh high over the sound of the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by "Rain on the Roof", by The Lovin' Spoonful, and also by a short story John Sebastian tells at Woodstock before singing "Rainbows All Over Your Blues".
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AVAESUoepo  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyBh-1loIe8
> 
> "I been up in California, I was there for four days, and I met this lady that does tie-dye. So she taught me how to do it, and I put these sheets all around the inside a my tent. And it's so groovy to see all you people here livin' in tents! Cloth house is all you need if you got love. I tell ya."


	19. Secure

The big house owned by Natasha was affectionately called Adore. The people who worked and lived there were known as The Cartoons and they’d been together since the late 1960’s. Together they built a commune in 1969 and had kept it going. Only Natasha and four people were still there as founding members. The others had died or moved away. Now there were younger folks in their stead, and made money by selling organic crops and hosting workshops and using the property as camping grounds. Only one bedroom in the house was available to the paying public, and that was mostly used by couples, pregnant women and pregnant transgender men, or someone with special needs or who was feeling ill.

That day’s lunch is a delicious stew prepared by Melody, a gay black man with the voice of an angel. He always sings when he cooks. When asked if his name was a sobriquet, he always says something like, “It’s the name my mama gave me and when I was a sprout I decided to make something of it. I been singing my whooole life.” Then he’ll go back to singing.

Today’s repertoire has a lot of Sam Cooke, and you sing “What a Wonderful World” with him when you pick up your tray and walk away with Dan to Arin and Suzy’s table. You sit down, rosy-faced and with a smile wider than a roaring river. Dan’s hair is even poofier than it normally is. You both clearly appear shagged and your friends can tell but say nothing due to how picturesque the thought of the two of you being together in that way is. It’s just normalized.

“I can’t believe how good you are at making socks,” you told Arin. “Didn’t know you were so handy at knitting.”

“I just kinda bullshat my way through it.”

“That’s how I do it. You go in with a picture in your head and come out with something different, but altogether better.”

“I can’t wait to try on my new shirt. And look, I got the dye all over my sleeve,” Suzy says, showing off her tattoo, once monochromatic, now every color of the rainbow.

“Hmm! You should get it filled in like that.”

“No way, dude. Expensive _and_ painful. When the needles were on my elbow I thought my arm was on fire. Do you have any tattoos, (Y/N)? I feel like I’d know by now.”

“Yeah I do,” you say at the same time Dan says “Yes she does.” You look at each other and laugh. Then you pull up your T-shirt sleeve and show everyone.

“I forget it’s there sometimes. Oh, you know what? We should all get matching tattoos.”

“Bad idea,” says Arin.

Dan says “I second that.”

“Aw come on, why not? You afraid of not being buried in a Jewish cemetery?”

“No, I just don’t want a tattoo.”

“Boo. What about you, Suzy? Feel like getting ink linked?”

She looks up with a little smile. “Mm-mm, maybe.”

“It doesn’t have to be the exact same tattoo, but it can be around the same theme.”

“I’ll think about it.”

You eat in silence for a few more seconds before looking at them all. Then you speak up. “I just want you guys to know I’m really lucky to have you as my friends, and I think it’ll last forever.” They smile. “It’s like having a second childhood. I haven’t felt a bond this strong since being with my childhood buddies.”

Suzy hugs you. “Aw, (Y/N), we’re lucky to have you too.”

“What a Kodak moment,” says Arin. “Ain’t love grand.”

Dan wraps an arm around you and kisses your head. “You’re the best.” You visibly blush. That’s when Suzy giggles.

 

After lunch, Arin and Suzy went off to their tent to take a nap. The blood had left their heads and was doing its work on their bellies. You and skinny-man-Dan were also nice and full, but that hadn’t stopped you from wanting to go on an adventure. You were still young and energetic. Nobody in their early twenties needs sleep. Hours passed.

“Come on, Dan!” you call out from way high up the oak tree, foregrounding the sunset. “Your legs are longer than mine, I know you can do this.”

“Easy for you to say, youngbuck. You’re sixteen years ahead of me.”

“Not so virile now, Mr. Sexbang!”

He reaches another branch. “You are so fucked when I get over there.”

Eventually he makes it to the top and stands on the tree limb you’re sitting comfortably on. He has to grab onto several branches to calibrate his stance. You, however, seem to spit gravity in the face.

“You’re scaring me,” he says. “How can you sit there like that?”

“I told you, I grew up in South America. I’m basically feral.”

He rolls his eyes. “Please, there are metropolitan cities even in the banana republics. Buenos Aires, Lima, there have to be city kids there who never even thought of playing in a box.” Dan carefully sits down next to you. “You know, you never told me _where exactly_ you grew up.”

You suck on your teeth and look at him. “The Galapagos Islands.”

He blinks and stammers a little. “Really?”

“Really. Basically feral.”

“Wow. I mean… wow. Growing up there must’ve been fantastic.”

You look away. “Hm. Not all of it was. It’s a beautiful place to visit, but challenging to live there. For one thing the Ecuadorian government is fucking everything up, and for another, I was heavily bullied at school just for being different. And you don’t know what it’s like to be the _only_ kid in school with acne.”

Dan makes an unpleasant, sympathizing sound.

“It’s okay,” you say. “I moved past all that last year. A lot of shitty things happened to me, but I won’t pour them out right now. Most of Galapagos is remarkable.”

“Which island are you from?”

“Right in the center. Santa Cruz. Its English name is Indefatigable.”

“ _Indefatigable?_ ”

You nod. “It means tireless.”

“Suits you, Sparky.”

You look at him with a smile that slowly fades away. “Sometimes I wish I knew you without having been a Game Grumps fan.”

“How come?”

“Because I know so much about you from the show, I’ve heard so many stories. I mean, I like them, a lot. But sometimes I wish they were… fresh?”

“Huh. I never thought of that.”

“But I wouldn’t mind hearing them again, you know? They’re all so funny.”

“Are you asking me to tell you a story?”

You smile.

“Alright then. Once upon a time,” he grandly begins. You laugh a little. “…I went to Ren Faire with some of my friends, and I thought I was going to get silly with mead and watch Arin go nuts in his leather outfit under the sun. Instead I separated myself from Ross and Holly on a whim and went to see the musicians.”

You gaze at him raptly.

“As I got closer, I recognized the music. That was a Yes song. And there was this beautiful girl playing it so gracefully. There wasn’t just a twinkle in her eyes, there was a twinkle in her body, mind, presence. When she danced towards me and sang my name, all I could think about was how much I wanted to know who she was and where she came from.”

He turns his head to face you. “And I wondered what made me find you.” Dan cautiously leans in and kisses your lips. When he leans back, you whisper: “That was a great story.”

In the distance, a bell tolls. Your eyes follow the sound. You smile as you say “supper is ready.”

 

After the evening meal, you decide you’re finally all tuckered out and head to your decorated tent. Dan follows you, saying he didn’t get a tent because he arrived late.

“We can share mine.”

He smiles, knowing you’d have offered your tent even if he had one. “I’d hate to be caught in one of the infamous California deluges we get so often.”

“Yeah, you’d have to build an arc or something.”

You laugh and get in the tent. It’s nice and snug with the sheets all around the inside. You light a lamp and an orange glow fills the area. The light dances on Daniel’s shining skin when he removes his shirt. He looks magnificent in there, with you. He lies down next to you on the mattress and caresses your hair. You just look into each other’s eyes for a minute before Dan smiles and speaks up. “(Y/N), there’s something I’ve wanted to ask you for a while.”

“Yeah?”

“I know you probably thought for a while that I’m Danny Sexbang and that I have to uphold that reputation, but I know that you know that’s not who I really am. Well, not entirely anyway. I… I have feelings for you too, and I was wondering if you want to go steady.”

“You mean, be your girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” he says with a smile.

You giggle, trying not to cry tears of joy and say “Yes, yes! Of course.”

He kisses you and wraps his arms tight around you. Then you smoke some celebratory weed together. He caresses your body in the haze. You lift yourself and kiss his neck. His moans are soft and tempting. You don’t dare stop, and neither does he. Soon you’re both completely naked, feeling each other’s beauty and soul in each touch and stroke, like a siren gliding through sapphire waters, or mercury floating in space. If you’re dead, this is the zenith of heaven’s rim.

The way he makes love to you is indescribably beautiful. He slides into you as if he were dipping himself into exquisite oil, the curvature of his member giving you a godly massage. You stare deeply into his eyes through hooded lids, and your parted lips are an invitation to his kiss. You playfully tug on his hair a little and he thrusts harder, but you feel no pain, only pleasure. Fair pleasure enjoyed to the fullest by two stunning people.

“Can I tell you something?” you whisper.

“Anything.”

“Being with you is like lying under a tree, making a flower garland.”

He stops for a second and beams. “You’re such a sweetheart,” he whispers after kissing you under the stars, under the moon. And for a moment you leave your body and think:

_I love being with Dan. I love being alive. And I love being myself._


	20. Her

It took two months for Dan and you to tell the Lovelies that you were a couple. In that time you’d also started your own YouTube channel, playing the _Gretsch_ mandolin and guitar. Some of your videos included Zef and Sebastian, and even Dan. And finally came the day where you were featured in a Ninja Sex Party video. You never imagined how much fun that could be. There was Dan, jumping around in his spandex suit to a song you wrote together. A song about polyamory. It wasn’t so in real life; you and Dan were the only ones for each other and going strong at it. There was the occasional hiccup when you met a jealous fan while you were out together; nasty looks and clenched fists at their sides. But most of the people you met on the road really lived up to their name, the kind and dear Lovelies. And to think that you used to be one of them!

It was early October when you finished recording the video, and later in the day, Dan suggested making the long-promised Steam Train episode soon. You just had to come up with what you wanted to play. But you were in too goofy a mood and kept suggesting games he _hated_ just because you were drawing a blank. But that was okay. You decided to think about it while Arin and Dan played.

“Ross. Ross, get over here,” you said from the kitchen, cooking a pot of macaroni and cheese. He got over there.

“What’s happenin’?”

“Still don’t know what to play. Any suggestions?”

“Did you try talking him into my new _Mario Maker_ levels?”

“Yeah!” you said, taking a bite from your snack. “But it’s a no-go! He won’t play my levels either.”

“What a weenie.” Ross looked curiously at your food. “I hope that’s barbecue sauce you’re dipping those nuggs into.”

“Nuh-uh. Chocolate pudding.”

“You’re sick.”

“So are you.”

You finished the concoction and rubbed your hands together.

“Alright, it’s gotta be something that hasn’t been played on the show already. And available on _Steam_. And fun. Or stupid.”

“That really narrows it down.”

Just then, Ninja Brian walked in.

“Hey Bri!” you called out. “Say the name of a game!”

“Cat’s cradle. Uh… hopscotch.”

“Thanks a lot!”

“What’s going on?”

“Dan and (Y/N) are gonna play together for the show and she can’t come up with a game.”

“Come on, Brian, you know Dan. What should we play together?”

“Have you suggested the _Mario Make_ \--”

“--Yes. And no.”

“Huh. Well then, what games did you play when you were a kid?”

You stirred the mac & cheese, going back into memory land. There hadn’t been that many games, since Dad was adamant on only getting learning games. But every now and then Mom had bought a few _fun_ games that had educational content in them while still being entertaining.

“I got it,” you said, dumping the food into a bowl. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before--we should play _Pajama Sam_.”

“There you go, buddy, I knew you could do it.” Ross patted you on the back and watched you sprinkle a bag of Pop Rocks all over the macaroni.

“What the--” said Brian. “(Y/N), are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Your decadent choices in cuisine. It’s like you’re… never mind.”

And with that, Brian walked away. So did Ross when he heard the crackle in your mouth.

 

 _Pajama Sam_ was no problem for Dan, and he was eager to play it too. It was like a Sierra game for little kids. Within a few minutes you were back in those childhood days playing it on your dad’s computer, always wanting to wear your pajamas while controlling blue-hued Sam. After ten minutes, you were ready to say “ _next time on Steam Train_ ”, but Dan stopped you.

“You know what? I think we should make this a long video. Then we can play the other games and make them long videos too.”

“Yeah! But only till the third game, it gets shitty after that.”

“You’re the boss.”

You went on for forty minutes more, teasing Dan when he couldn’t figure out something an 8-year-old could, and laughing at old jokes you’d forgotten, jokes that were made for the parent or older sibling sitting with the kid playing this. One particularly good one about the IRS had you roaring for a while. When the game was finally over, you wanted to download the sequel immediately, but that would have to wait for another day.

“Well I’m glad I got to come on the show, and thanks to all of you who subscribed to my channel this week; I never imagined getting this much love.”

“We got a new NSP video coming out soon, be sure to check that out.”

“Can we tell them what it’s called?”

“Tell ’em.”

“It’s called ‘Poly Pool Party’, a wonderful little tune about polyamory. If there are any poly fans out there, this is definitely for you.”

“Next time on _Steam Train_.”

“Choo-choo, bitch.”

“Oh, be nice.”

 

You gathered your stuff and met Dan at the door. He opened it for you with a “m’lady” and you walked out together.

“So it’s official.”

“What is?”

“I’m a Grump now, right?”

“I thought you were this whole time.”

“Now, when you say this whole time…”

“Since the day I first brought you here, (Y/N).”

You smiled and kissed his cheek. “This is still really surreal to me. Not just being an editor here, but making music with you, being your girlfriend, it’s all so new and incredible. There’s lots of potential.”

“If it makes you feel better, I also have moments where I step back and think, man, I can’t believe how happy I am with my life right now. With you.”

You get to your car. “Are you coming over tonight?”

“You go on ahead, I gotta get a change of clothes from my house.”

“Okay.”

You kiss each other goodbye.

 

Back in your apartment, you wondered what to make for dinner. Even after those chicken nuggets and macaroni, you wanted more. But you knew about Dan’s sensitive stomach, so you couldn’t make anything you really craved at that moment. But you loved cooking for Dan, because you were a perfect team. You made the food, and he washed the dishes. In many aspects, you fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Your relationship was refreshingly normal with a side of abnormality because of his celebrity status and your personalities. You were a contradiction, a good one.

_Guess it’s gonna be rice and beans._

Just when you set everything up and were about to light the stove, the doorbell rang.

_That was pretty quick._

You opened the door expecting Dan, and were instead met with the face of a pretty girl with beautiful blonde hair. She looked like she’d been crying.

“Are you alright?” you asked. “Do you need to use the phone?”

“Not bad,” she said, her words trembling. “Of course, the one I replaced wasn’t too bad either.” She wiped her nose on her sleeve.

“Excuse me?”

“You know, I used to think I was special to him. I bet you think so too.”

You were getting scared. “Who are you?”

“I know who _I_ am. _You_ are my replacement.”

She grabbed you by the hair and pulled you out into the hallway. Before you could scream, she kneed you hard in the liver, knocking all the air out of you. Then she did it again, lower. You fell to the ground, trying to catch your breath and realizing that you were up against _her_. Dan’s ex. The girl he left to be with you.

“ _He was mine he was mine!_ ” she screamed, kicking you in the belly. “You ruined everything, you little bitch! You cunt you fucking _whore!_ ”

Finally you got up, but didn’t get too far when you almost immediately fell back to your knees. Then she grabbed you by your hair again and dragged you down the hall. Everything hurt and burned. Your brain began to slow down. Suddenly, it didn’t feel so bad. It would all be over soon, wouldn’t it?

“ _Dan…_ ” you whispered his name like a prayer.

“Get ready to fly, bitch!”

She threw you down the stairs, and your last thought before everything went black was that you loved Dan, with all your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not over, don't worry too much.


	21. As Long As We're Together

Fleeting images. Echoing shouts. Bright lights. This is what you remember from being taken to the hospital. When you’re fully conscious, you see a face appear from the blur. It’s Dan, slumped in a chair next to you, sleeping. You smile and prop yourself up to reach him. Doing so, you realize you can’t feel your left foot.

_Oh my God they chopped it off!_

You lift the covers and see it’s not gone, just in a cast. “Phew.”

Dan wakes up and looks at you. “Oh (Y/N) you’re awake, how are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve lost another of my nine lives. I’m so happy to see you.”

“Me too, (Y/N). When I found you I thought you were dead.”

“Dan, it was--”

“I know. (H/N) pushed you. I didn’t know she was like that, that she had that in her. She was sitting at the top of the stairs staring at you. I called the police.”

“Now I gotta go to another trial,” you groan, remembering the trial you went to a month ago. The guy who cracked your skull. He got 90 days.

“I’m just happy you’re alive.”

He kisses you softly and squeezes your hand.

“Ow.”

“Whoops, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Tough as an old boot.”

“You are pretty strong for someone so tiny and small,” he teases.

“How tall are you?”

“Six-foot-two and a half.”

“Didn’t know they stacked shit that high.”

You both laugh and you kiss him. At that moment, the doctor walks in. She’s got silky black hair and John Lennon glasses. “Good evening, Miss (Y/N), is it? I’m Dr. Nguyen. How are we doing?”

“I’m fine. Kinda wish people would stop trying to kill me, though. I just started making money.”

She chuckles. “Well, you were pretty lucky. Your boyfriend found you just in time.”

You smile at Dan. “Ah, my hero.”

She looks at him. “Could you please wait outside for a few minutes while I discuss things with (Y/N)?”

“Sure.” he gets up and walks out.

“Get me something from the vending machine!” you call out. “Something cheesy!”

Now alone with Dr. Nguyen, she went through the chart in her hands.

“Your vitals are fine and you’re perfectly healthy, so that’s good, you might have noticed already that your ankle’s broken.”

“Yeah I noticed. What a bummer, it had two days left till retirement.”

She chuckles. “Sense of humor’s intact, another good sign. However, I’m afraid it’s not all good news.”

“You mean there’s something besides a broken ankle?” you say, checking your body for any other bandages or casts.

She looks at you with deep sympathy in her eyes and says: “I’m sorry to tell you that you’ve lost the pregnancy.”

The blood drains from your face.

_Did--pregnancy?_

“What? _What? Pregnant?_ ”

“Oh, you didn’t know…”

You look away with an unblinking stare.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). These things just happen sometimes. I’ll give you time to process this.”

“No, no, I… yeah. Wow. I just didn’t know. Do you know how far along I was?”

“Approximately two months.”

_When we got high in the tent._

“Is it still… still in me?”

“No, no. It was removed shortly after your arrival.”

“I’d like to be alone now.”

“Of course. And again, I’m sorry.”

The doctor leaves, and you lie back down, feeling your belly. It’s tracked with bruises from the beating you took. _She_ killed it.

_Well, it would’ve died anyway, what with my drug intake and all._

Tears well up in your eyes when you think of how the hell you’re going to tell Dan. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of Doritos and a bottle of Mountain Dew.

“Look, (Y/N), I brought you _incel’s ambrosia_.”

You chuckle and take the snacks. He sits down next to you and holds your hand. You don’t say a thing, still thinking about the miscarriage. An unwanted pregnancy. You had no idea how to tell Dan, even though this wasn’t your first time talking about this. You had an early miscarriage while you were with your first boyfriend and he made it all about himself. There you were, comforting _him_. His selfish ass who treated you like a piece of meat the whole time you both suspected you were pregnant. He didn’t even _allow_ you to take a test, as if pregnancy were like Schrodinger’s fucking cat. But this was way different. You didn’t even suspect you were with child and Dan’s crazy ex-girlfriend nearly killed you.

“I’m sorry this happened. I had no idea she was like that. I wish I’d gone with you, I should’ve just…” he starts to cry a little. You put down the bag of Doritos and lean over to hug your boyfriend.

“I just don’t know what I’d do if I lost you,” he weeps. “My life is better with you in it.”

You remember when Gabriel said that to you.

_But this is different._

“It’s okay, Daniel. I’m here. And I’m so happy that you’re here too. You saved my life, again. But how did she know where I live?”

“Well… Before I met you, I brought her to the office a couple times. She must’ve been… God, it’s so hard to process this.”

“No, no, it’s alright. Some people are just like that, she must’ve been stalking me for, well, I don’t know how long but long enough to know where I go home to.”

“Fuck…”

He kisses you, holding your hands.

“Dan, there’s something I have to tell you. I just gotta know, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just kinda spooked. How are you?”

“Really spooked. But like I said, I’m a little toughie.”

“Go ahead, tell me.”

So you tell him what the doctor said. About the pregnancy you didn’t know about and the early miscarriage. And all throughout that, Dan has an understanding look in his eyes, something you notice you’ve seen him do a lot. He understands you. But this time he also looks surprised and sad. When you’re done talking, he doesn’t say anything. So you say one more thing, a tear rolling down your cheek.

“I wanna go home, Danny.”

He thinks for a few seconds, then kisses you and gets up. “I’ll be right back.” Dan leaves the room and comes back a minute later with a wheelchair. He helps you get in and places the snacks on your lap. Then he wheels you out to the exit, and leaves for a few seconds before returning in his car. He helps you into the back seat and drives away. Lying down in silence, you keep thinking about all your sufferings, and don’t want to anymore.

“Could you turn on the radio, please?”

He does so, and you close your eyes.

_Let’s say sunshine for everyone_

_But as far as I can remember_

_We’ve been migratory animals_

_Living under changing weather_

 

“I love this song…” you say. “It’s in _Life is Strange_. We should play that.”

“Okay. For the show?”

“Doesn’t matter. Just love playing with you.”

You can hear him smile.

“I love doing lots of things with you,” he says.

 

_We played hide and seek in waterfalls_

_We were younger, we were younger_

_Someday we will foresee obstacles_

_Through the blizzard, through the blizzard_

 

You go to sleep after a little while and when you wake up, Dan is helping you out of the car. But you’re not at your apartment building--you’re outside a house. Dan’s house.

“Is this your house? Wow, I’ve never been here.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t brought you here before.”

“No, it’s fine. We’ve both been busy.”

He helps you up the stairs and into his room, where there’s a canopy bed. Dan sleeps like a princess, and you smile at this thought. You sit on his bed and he takes off his shoes, then cuddles with you in the middle.

“Do you want anything to eat besides those chips?”

“No, I’m fine. Kinda thirsty though.”

“I can make you some hot chocolate.”

“Ooh, that’d be great. But not yet. I really need this cuddle session.”

“Yeah, me too. I’m… I’m still sorry that I wasn’t there sooner. That all this happened. That I didn’t bring you here first--”

“Please,” you say, kissing him. “Everything’s alright.”

He smiles. “I’ll drive to your place to get you a change of clothes.”

“Thank you.”

“And we can deal with having escaped from the hospital later. Right now I just wanna hold you and make you hot chocolate.”

You hold him tighter, and get your bad foot out of the way.

“I’ve been thinking about something for a while,” he says. “But since all this happened, it’s been going off like an alarm in my head. Do you want to get out of LA for a while? Take a trip somewhere?”

Your eyes light up. “Oh, yes.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t care where we are, as long as we’re together.”

He looks into your eyes like a beautiful barn owl and says, for the first time:

“I love you.”

You smile and kiss him. “I love you too.”

And that’s how Dan turned one of the worst nights of your life to one of the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first boyfriend story is a true story. What a heel he was.  
> I wish I could have the comfort that I and I imagine many of us deserve. This story is sort of a ghost hug.
> 
> Obstacles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrXpFh2IHZY  
> As Long As We're Together: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbKRcF_mFKc


	22. Efter Regnet Kommer Solsken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "After rain comes sunshine"

A few days later, you and Dan went to Zef’s house to jam with him and Sebastian. They were such good pals. They went to see you at Dan’s the day after you were at the hospital, after the ordeal, to play music and cheer you up. Watching them, you remembered the last time this happened, after Gabriel dumped you and you finally got back to California. The day that Zef came to your dad’s house.

Dad walked into your room. You turned your head to look at him. “Your friend Zef is here. He’s coming upstairs.”

“What?” you muttered. “No, alone, gotta be alo--”

“Bullshit, (Y/N).” He’d been through many breakups. He was unfazed by your feelings and behavior. Dad walked out and Zef walked in.

“Hey,” he said. “How you doing?”

“I want to _die._ ”

“No, (Y/N), no you don’t. Listen, I have known two girls who were so despondent about fractured and unrealized expectations that they actual took matters into their own hands and killed themselves.  I hesitated to contact the first one.  I am not hesitating to talk to you.”

You turned away from him.

“Somehow they had a very high investment in their expectations and unrealized wishes.  When they had repeated setbacks they held rigidly to the expectations instead of changing them. I have done it, also.  It doesn't work. The easy way out for them only created lasting sorrow for all their family and friends because our expectations included a loving future with them with all the attendant ups and downs, failures and victories; theirs and ours.”

You cried and faced him again.

“Celebrate all those tiny daily successes that may seem inconsequential; and mourn the failures that inform your future choices. All of it will embed in you and be elements of your own power and beauty that will enable you to shoot from the hip in good times and challenging times. And I miss you. To see you daily, weekly or monthly would make my life better.”

Then he took your guitar, tuned it, and played you a John Sebastian song he knew you loved.

_I been waiting my time just to talk to you_

_You been looking all down at the mouth and down at your shoes_

_Well baby, I come to give you the news_

_I’ll paint rainbows all over your blues_

You smiled a little.

 

_I heard you been spendin’ a lot of your time up in your room_

_And at night you been watchin’ the dark side of the moon_

_You don’t talk to nobody if they don’t come to you_

_So baby I came up here to sing you a tune_

 

You sat up and propped your chin on your fists, ready to sing the next verse with him.

 

_And “I give up” is all you’ve really got to say_

_Cause it’s time to find your lifestyle, cause this really ain’t the way_

_Let’s go for a bounce on my trampoline, I can show you the purtiest mountain that you’ve ever seen_

_You better run to your closet and fish out your blue suede shoes_

_I’ll paint rainbows all over your blues!_

 

Zef put down the guitar and gave you a big hug. You cried into his shoulder, thanking him.

 

In the present, you remember this moment very vividly. Now here are two of your best friends playing music with you after a traumatic experience. You are so grateful to have them, to have Dan too, all these people who love you and are there to soften the blows life can give you. They are truly wonderful.

“Hey (Y/N),” says Zef. “Markus is leaving Nordic Honey, so Danger and I were wondering if you wanna join us.”

“Really? I’m back in the band?”

“Yep. You’re lead guitar,” says Sebastian. “Congratu-fuckin’-lations.”

“Hella!” you say, putting down the mandolin. “Wait a minute, this isn’t because I’m more famous than you guys, right?” You’re only kidding, of course.

“Absolutely. We’re here to live off your teats.”

“I knew it, Sebastian! You guys are rotten!”

“At least we’re rotten together.”

“Damn straight. What should we play next?”

“I actually gotta go now,” says Sebastian. “I don’t remember if I told you guys, but I’m meeting my gender therapist today. I’m one step closer to being on T.”

Zef looks at him and says “Holy shit dude, that’s awesome!”

“Betcha my beard will be better than yours.”

“I hope so, you deserve it.” They hug each other.

“Well ain’t love grand,” you say, joining the hug.

Sebastian leaves soon thereafter and you tune your mandolin while Zef waits for you. Dan walks in out of the bathroom to join you.

“Hey Danny,” you say. “Welcome back.”

“(Y/N) told me you’re going on a trip soon,” Zef said. “Did you decide where?”

“First we’re going to Jersey because she wants to meet my parents, and then I told her I want to go to the Galapagos and see where she grew up.”

“Aw shit, you’re lucky.”

“She’s the one who’s lucky, she grew up in fucking paradise.”

“It’s not paradise, there’s a lot of socio-economical unrest. But I get what you mean. Come on, Zef. Let’s play something.”

“You wanna start off?”

You think for a moment and then sing, “ _In constant sorrow, all through my days_ ”

He picks up the fiddle and you play “Man of Constant Sorrow”.

All the while, Dan watches you, feeling proud. You don’t know if he was staring at your breasts or the mandolin pendant he got for you just five months before. You can’t believe it’s only been five months. It feels like a lifetime ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rainbows All Over Your Blues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mlxi1bqcacY


	23. Other Half of the Sky

You clack away at the selectric typewriter, the first thing you bought yourself with your disposable income. It’s a handsome little thing, bright red and not too heavy. And you sit there writing what you know, writing about Zef, who once patched up a cut on your leg with a maxi pad and scotch tape; and little Sebastian, who lit your cigarette with a magnifying glass. There have been so many crazy people in your life, and you’re glad the craziest were also the best. And then there’s Dan, the sanest person you’ve ever known. He who saved your life and took you in and loved you with all his heart.

He walks in through the door, removing his sunglasses. “Man, it’s hot out there.”

“Welcome to Galapagos,” you say over the sound of the typewriter. “Land of endless summer.”

“Land of endless iguanas. I almost ran over one on your dad’s bicycle.”

“Yeah, sometimes they sleep in the road. You’ll get used to them.”

“I can’t believe you grew up here,” he goes to kiss you and looks out the window at the beach. “This place is paradise. Think we’ll go down to the beach later?”

“Yeah, after we take the stuff. We’re gonna have the best swim of our life.”

“I’ve never thought of Christmas or Hanukkah in the summer. Like, right now Debbie and Avi are out getting Chinese food in the snow and you’re here typing in… your underwear…”

“Hey, my Jewish friend and his family also get Chinese for Christmas. I guess Jews get bored that day, huh?”

“Never mind that,” he says, tracing a line on the hem of your red undies. “These are cute.”

You look up at him, cocking an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? I think they’re pretty torrid.”

“Well then, I think you better take them off.”

You turn back to the typewriter. “Nope, I’m writing. And we both need to take a shower.” You know that his cock is stiff in his shorts. He won’t last long in this little game. He wants you now, and you want him too. But you can’t help but tease him a little.

He holds you, kissing your neck. “Come with me.”

“Writing.”

“You have to anyway, I forgot how to work the third-world valves in your shower.”

You roll your eyes and lean your head back to look at him. He smells like sex. Musty and hot. Melted deodorant. Can you smell pheromones?

He kisses your lips and takes your head in his palms. “Let’s get naked,” he whispers. You want him, but you want to make him want you _more_ ; even though you’re aware Dan doesn’t like games, you know you can get away with it.

“I’d like you to rub my shoulders… I’ve been sitting like this for hours, I could use a little massage.”

“Oh I’ve got something to massage you with, baby.”

You get up from the chair and take his groin in your hand. Dan full on moans. You whisper in his ear, “Rub me in the shower and then I’ll rub _you_.”

“ _Hnnnnnnnng…_ ”

He carries you bridal style to the bathroom, strong and toned and a little muscular after months of training, and strips you and himself of your clothes before you turn on the water.

“Oh _fuck_ , it’s cold!”

“Yeah, water here takes a minute to heat up.”

Pretty soon the water gets warmer due to the pipes being out in the sun, and you grab the soap, then give it to Dan. You turn around and he gingerly rubs your back, starting off soft and then applying more pressure, just like he does when you’re doing horizontal activities. It feels so good when he gets up to your shoulders. Dan rubs his groin against your ass and you sigh.

“ _Is this really happening?_ ” you whisper in a fog of a marijuana high.

“What do you mean?” he kisses your neck.

“This feels like a fantasy.” You turn around. “I’m with the man of my dreams and we’re about to have sex and take LSD together. Even back when you didn’t know who I was I never imagined it could be like this.”

He smiles and grabs your waist. “Well, I never thought it could be like this, before… you. This is like a dream.”

“Isn’t it?”

You lean in and kiss him as the water runs down your back.

 

The bed is against a window, curtained white, a lovely ocean breeze blowing in from the beach out back. The waves are dancing down the waterline, sparkling in the morning sun, playing for a romance just begun. Your skin is fresh and cool when Dan, naked as you are, kisses your body from your breasts down to your belly and you spread your legs for him. His kisses vary between a light press and licks on your waist, making you tingle and moan. Every time you moan, he gets lower. You’re breathing to the beat of the song on the radio.

 

_If you follow sand dunes and salty air,_

_Quaint little villages here and there…_

 

He plants a kiss on your belly button and trails his tongue down. Now his head is between your thighs and you’re grabbing the sheets behind your head. Every time with Dan is like the first time, exciting and new. The best lover you ever had. He kisses your left thigh down to your pussy and licks up. You raise yourself a little to the feeling and moan. He in return sticks his tongue inside you, over and over. You didn’t expect this. It makes your core feel hot and your heart skip a beat.

“I wish you knew how good that feels…”

“Well, when you have my cock in your mouth, it feels _pretty_ good, babygirl.”

He gives you a big lick, making you sigh and grab the sheets tighter. Then you let go and hold his hands, placed on your belly. His wet mouth is all over your pussy, then he sucks your clit a little and lets go. He spits on it before licking it in a clockwise motion. You can feel your clit contracting under his tongue and you breathe in and out sporadically. You’re so close already because Dan knows what you like.

“ _Dan…_ ”

He licks faster.

“ _Don’t stop…_ ”

You rock yourself against his tongue and listen to the waves crashing outside, the music, you melt in his mouth and cum _hard_ and slowly. He too slows down, letting you enjoy the final rippling. Then your thighs vibrate and he takes them to feel them against his head with his eyes closed and his lips wet.

“I love it when you do that.”

“I’m not doing anything, it just happens.”

He climbs on top of you and looks into your eyes. “You’re so hot.”

“Look who’s talkin’,” you caress his cheek, still twitching a little. He kisses you for a while, rubbing against your body, his cock lightly pushing against your entrance. Then he leans against his arms and you feel his cock move in, just the tip inside you. You didn’t know he could get in without using his hands. Even though you’ve felt him inside of you many times now, this is a new sensation.

“Wow…” you whisper.

The music coming from the radio has changed to a gentle guitar, a sweet voice, a perfect passion. Dan feels it too, and kisses your lips while pushing himself further into you. You tighten your walls around him and he moans.

 

_I cannot be without you, matter of fact,_

_Oh oh ooh, I’m on your back_

_If you walk out on me_

_I’m walking after you…_

 

“Deeper, Daniel… I want to feel it all.”

He pushes himself in all the way and stays there, almost motionless, looking into your eyes and experiencing your beauty and your little body in his arms. It’s like a crystal bubble shattering underwater, or the dance of bald headed eagles in a blue sky. Dan is the other half of the sky. He’s a painted melody. Love personified. You rock your hips against him, and he contracts a little.

“Hnn, don’t move, I’m super close.”

“Already?” you smile.

He rolls his eyes. “Yep.”

You give him an impish grin and say “Are you gonna pre?”

He laughs. “Shut the fuck up.” Dan kisses you sweetly and pulls out a little, stays there, then pushes in again. Out and in, out and in, out and in. “Fuck, (Y/N), your pussy is like heroin.”

You giggle and grind against him for a while, kissing his neck and tugging on his hair. Until you roll over and find yourself on top of him. He pulls out and smiles.

“Hello up there.”

“Hey.”

You turn yourself around and sink back down on his cock, him taking your hips, and then you lie down on his chest, your faces next to each other. “Oh my God…” he whispers, and grabs your breasts.

You nuzzle into his neck and say, “I want you to cum like this.”

“ _Hnnnnnng_ …”

He thrusts in and out slow but firm, and then rocks faster. Not one bit of this hurts, it’s only good. Better than good. It’s the best you’ve felt in a while. And then he puts his left hand over your wet pussy and rubs your clit while he thrusts harder. You moan into his neck and bring your arms up, one under your head, the other under his. He moans with every thrust, getting closer to his orgasm. You find yourself getting there too, which never happened before.

“I’m gonna cum, Dan,” you say.

“Oh my God…” He’s really trying now not to go first. You find a good rhythm against his fingers and gyrate over him to get there faster. It’s working. You close your eyes and begin to moan, grab a fistful of his hair and feel it give him a jolt, then he moans too. You come together and it feels so strong, so suicidally beautiful that you go deaf for a moment and shake against your lover, your man, your partner in crime. You only hear the cadence of the sea.

“Wow, that was _amazing_ ,” he breathes, but without ears you can’t hear, you can just feel the touch. He pulls out and you lie there for a while by his side, breathing and getting one of your six senses back.

_I must have six, how else can I describe the sense of being here now? If I died, if we both died here, feeling la petite mort, it’s the ultimate high, these are the Elysian Fields and he is Eros incarnate, I am Psyche and we’re at the mercy of Morpheus--eternal sleep and dreaming, dream, dream a little dream of me…_

You hear him say your name. “You look fucking amazing right now…”

“Mmm.”

He kisses you, to wake from your dream of Eros and his arrows. You open your eyes.

“I could stay like this forever. It feels like we’re the only two people in the world.”

“I know. I feel like I went to the moon and back.”

“Which moon? Phoebe? Titan?”

He blinks. “Moons of Endor.”

“Ewoks,” you say, picturing little space bears. Through the blowing curtains, you see the moon he really meant, clear and crescent in the blue sky. A sky with a few clouds that look normal now, but the paisleys will come once you have the acid in your systems.

“I wonder if it’ll ever rain,” Dan says, also looking at the clouds. Summers in Galapagos are generally rainless now, but after some hot days, it will happen. You hold him closer and say “Maybe tomorrow.”

“Remember that day at the hippie house when we were shut in the old barn and it was pouring outside?”

“Hmmm, yes… That was such a beautiful day. And I never slept better, with you in that tent with me.”

You yawn, but you don’t feel sleepy. Just completely relaxed.

“Are you falling asleep on me?”

“No, no, I just feel really awesome. How about you?”

“Me too, babygirl.” He kisses the top of your head. “When should we eat the acid?”

You look at the clock. It’s almost noon. “Pretty soon. It lasts twelve hours, you know.”

“Can we lie like this for a little longer?”

“Oh _absolutely_ , honey. Actually, we can take it and lie here while we wait for it to kick in. It takes a while.”

So you get up and put half the tab on his tongue and the other one on yours, then kiss and lie down, listening to each other’s heartbeat and the radio, pouring out fantastic words in your comfortable silence, comfortably numb.

_There is no pain, you are receding_

_A distant ship smoke on the horizon_

_You are only coming through in waves_

_Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying_

_When I was a child I had a fever_

“My hands felt just like two balloons…” you sing. “Now I’ve got that feeling once again,” Dan sings with you. “I can’t explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am…”

_I have become comfortably numb._

You kiss Dan in the breeze, letting it run over your naked bodies.

 

_Everything feels swirly._

Did you say that or just think it?

“Did you say something?” he asks.

“Everything is swirly…”

“I know, I can feel it too. It’s been like this for… minutes… seconds? Years?”

“Time gets kinda weird on acid, Danny. It’s okay, just relax and enjoy the swirl.”

“I didn’t know it felt this beautiful. Do you see that, in the sky?”

You look out the window. Sure enough, the clouds’ linings are doing their thing. Paisleys dissolve into thin air. Thick air, thick and inviting, you feel like you’re floating on water.

“We can smoke weed now,” you say. “You’re gonna inhale and then feel a total head change, it’s so weird and cool.”

You light the joint and inhale, then feel yourself getting pushed into another threshold and you fall back onto the bed. “Come on in, Dan! The water’s fine…”

He inhales and doesn’t fall, instead he seems to get taller and you see the most relaxed smile on his face. “Oh wow, I’m floating.”

“You’re standing on your toes,” you giggle.

“Shhhh, busy, I’m _flooooating_.”

“Come float with me,” you say, reaching out. He falls onto the bed and takes you in his arms, holding you against his chest. He is so comfortable. You look at the walls and ceiling, the colors in the room, and look at nothing in particular, sometimes you close your eyes and fly through space and time, listening to the playlist you put on for this very special occasion.

 

_And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time_

_Till touchdown brings me round again to find_

_I’m not the man they think I am at home, oh no, no, no,_

_I’m a rocket man_

 

“ _Rocket maaaaaaan_ ,” you gently sing, your eyes closed. “ _Burning out his fuse up here alone…_ ”

It was a cover by My Morning Jacket, so beautifully done, recorded in an empty grain silo. Ninja Sex Party also had a cover, but you didn’t add any of their songs to the list. It would be weird. And you had Dan’s real voice right there, singing with you, but most of the time he just watched you singing and smiled.

“You have a beautiful voice,” he says. You giggle.

“So do you. Hey, after this one let’s go out to the beach.”

“Oooooh, yes…”

“I’ve said it so many times, water is so much fun on acid. And another thing,” you get up, feeling the floor under your feet as if it were a mattress, and walk to the kitchen. You come back with a plate of fruit. Strawberries and green grapes, mostly. You feed Dan a strawberry and you can feel the colors explode in his mouth.

“Wow!”

“I know, right?” You eat a few grapes. “Funny story, I used to dislike fruit, and then I had some the second time I took acid and it totally changed me. I came out of the high with a taste for fruit. Now I eat even the ones I used to loathe and they’re delicious.”

“You used to hate fruit?” he asks, flabbergasted. “How, how… _blaaaugh!_ ”

“Ha ha ha ha!”

You eat a little more fruit and leave the plate on the windowsill, wait for the song to finish.

“Let’s go down to the sea,” says Daniel. “Let’s go swim.”

“Yeah, I think we’re ready.”

Once you’re outside and walking on the little trail, Dan asks if he should worry about drowning.

“Don’t worry about anything. I’ll protect you. And we’re just gonna be in the shallows.”

“It’s so soft…”

“Yeah, the sand.”

It feels warm on your feet and you look at him sunbathing, his head turned toward the sky, looking at the clouds. He looks so elegant yet so scruffy. It’s his hair, that beautiful hair you were surprised by so many months ago at Renfaire. The day you fell in love, you knew it. His eyes are a fiery golden brown in the light, what a sight.

The water is cool and lovely, contrasting with the blast of the sun, too sharp for you to try to look at.

_No, I wanna look at the clouds, feel the sea, feed me to the sea; look at Dan. My gorgeous man._

He dips himself into the water almost immediately and sighs, then floats on his back. You giggle for no or every reason in particular. It’s funny. Funny and cute. Then you float too, feeling like you’re lost in space. No, wandering. Not all who wander are lost.

“Wanderlust,” you say.

“What an amazing, amazing day.”

You wade around together hand in hand, lost in space, looking at each other’s face. His eyebrows are growing and decreasing; they look like little blades of grass blowing in the wind. Swirly. Everything is swirly. Even the way you swim, you can’t describe it, you just feel like a nymph with your lover in the water. You both make it to a pool of blue and swim underwater. Everything is glowing gold, orange, turquoise, and you can taste the colors. Little fish swim by and scatter when you get too close. You wonder if they could somehow understand how harmless you are, you are now basically one of them. And Daniel the Pisces is floating like a mermaid in clear azure waters, feeling it like second nature.

Both of you used to be afraid of the ocean. Now, you no longer are.

 

The events after the sea and drying in the sand were otherworldly. You smoked a little more weed and went for a walk along the bay in front of the house where you grew up. There are iguanas everywhere; particularly large males headbutting and having territorial disputes. It is mating season. They look more colorful than ever through your head full of acid. Then there’s the first tree you ever climbed at the age of two, and you remember your mom telling you how proud you looked, how tall you felt. The root you’d stood on is only half a foot above the ground. Kids are so damn funny sometimes.

You laugh, and Dan asks what’s up. You tell him about the tree and he looks at it, then climbs on the root too.

“I am so high right now,” he says. “Wow, look at the sea!”

You look behind you and see everything. You can see the animals, iguanas and turtles and sea lions all the way underneath, and you can feel a net of rainbows move closer to you, closer and closer until it goes right through you and you’re suddenly in a new dimension; the leaves blowing in the mangrove trees are rolling paisley bombs and dripping to the sesuvium, which is thick and abundant around your legs, you drop to your knees and make angels in the succulents, trying to dig your way in deeper. It’s so comfortable and warm. Soon Daniel walks around in a happy little circle and joins you.

“Can I look into your eyes?”

“Of course,” you say with a smile. He turns on his side and you look at one another, gently petting waists and arms. He’s pure pupil and so are you. He laughs a little.

“You’re so sparkly, (Y/N). How do you feel?”

“My goodness, Danny, I can’t describe it. Any words would diminish how wonderful this feels. I… I wish I could talk in Technicolor.”

He giggles. “I think I feel the same way. Oh God, there’s so much sun here. Could we go somewhere else now?”

“Yes, yes, let’s get up and go on an adventure! We’re like Frodo and Sam now, take me to Mount Bloom.”

“Ha ha ha, it’s Mount Doom.”

“Not in this world it isn’t. This is a world of constant bloom.”

“Oh my God wow…” he closes his eyes and opens his arms. Clearly he feels something coming towards him, or building up inside, but you know that it’s beautiful and you smile at him, then get up and dance around a little, picking up your long black skirt full of green vines and red flowers. The pattern is dancing too and crawling all over you.

“I can feel the air moving through my whole body,” you say. “Come on, come with me, Dan.”

He follows you and you continue wandering down the bay and finally ending up at the entrance to the house. Instead of going back inside, you decide to turn towards the town, and you’re turned loose past the gate. But everything is fine, you just look like two ditzy kids having fun in a tourist town. There are owls painted on the cemetery wall. They’re all by different artists and you can’t believe how colorful they are. Owls are magnificent and beautiful creatures. When you were in grade school, a Galapagos barn owl was constantly perched in your 5th grade classroom. It pooped on one kid about five times before he got “sick of that stupid owl” and the janitor had to find some way to get it out.

“You look like an owl sometimes,” says Dan. “You have an elegant little face and these beautiful… beautiful and big eyes, (Y/N).”

“Hoot hoot.”

“Fly to me.”

You dance together on the sidewalk, a little waltz for about ten seconds, and you twirl away down the road, into the town. Of course nobody sees or imagines that you’re on drugs. You look just like two harmless hippie kids having fun on your vacation. You take him to the Laguna de las Ninfas, a lagoon on the other side of town. There’s a bridge built all around it, and in one area under a red mangrove you lie down and relish the shade and the ocean breeze coming from the south. There’s no one around, so you take another puff of the joint and breathe in the air. You cuddle up against Dan.

“I’m so happy I met you,” he finally says after a long stretch of silence.

You open your eyes and he’s looking at you with a little tear in his eye. Suddenly you’re crying too, feeling his emotion enfold you.

“I can’t believe we’re here.”

“Here, there, and everywhere.”

“I love you so much.” The tear runs down his cheek. You kiss his eyelid, kiss his cheek, chin, and finally lips as he caresses your cheek and wipes away your tears.

“I love you too, Danny.”

 

After leaving the town and going back home, you have another round of cuddling by the bay listening to music in the setting sun, and stay there till the stars come out. Every star is bordered by a rainbow octagon in your eyes. Dan sees them all falling. You take another puff of the joint, it’s still got some stuff left in there, and you raise your back when you feel the kick. Dan just sighs. The sky between the stars is purple and a deep indigo; the ships on the water look like little fairy lights. Moon Safari is on your playlist and you’re singing to it.

_I know who I am gonna be, I fit into a different wheel_

_Thanks to you I’ll be alright_

_You’re the other half of the sky_

_And hope’s as high as the sun today_

_Once around the world, now coming your way_

Dan watches you in awe.

_Every day I’m loving you more_

_In every way I’m loving you more_

_How it grows, the way it shines, it’s keeping me alive_

_As infinity forms a line, into the love that I define_

_Every day I’m loving you more_

You look into Dan’s eyes with a smile.

_In every way I’m loving you more_

_How it shines, beyond belief, brighter than the sun_

_I am tired of the past, but it feels like this will last…_

You take a deep breath of fresh air and look at Daniel, then you grab each other at the same time and kiss to the end of the song, melting into the grass with the moon high above you.

_What if this is as good as it gets?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "dancing down the waterline" -- "The Ghost of Flowers Past"  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7oTDheNH04
> 
> "If you follow sand dunes and salty air, quaint little villages here and there" -- "At the River"  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t989-ukRYTY
> 
> "Walking After You"  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvorB7d2b8Y
> 
> "Comfortably Numb"  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FrOQC-zEog
> 
> "Rocket Man"  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPDhGbsVhJc
> 
> "Other Half of the Sky"  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sEnjobgMZU&t=27s


	24. Only Being Born

Zef made a circle with his fist.

 _Uh-oh_.

You’d done it again. Another year, another Renfaire, another concert on acid. Perhaps you felt that it was tradition now, or maybe you just wanted to wig out in a fancy costume; pretend to understand the natural flow of the world and the elements on $8 a hit. Why did you do it? For fun?

_I believe in fun._

Nordic Honey had gained a small following, mostly Game Grumps fans who were also your fans. And they were there in the audience, some of them getting selfies with Dan. Of course he was there too, supporting you and admiring your performance. He was also your “escape route” in case the acid shifted gears on you, becoming too sharp to handle. But you were fine right there onstage, feeling the air turn to water again.

_After this I’m gonna go get a lemonade and go for a swim inside the cup._

You looked out at the audience through yellow tea shades and walked up to the microphone, certain that you could speak soberly. Zef nearly stopped you, but it was too late.

“ _What’s up!_ ” you began, and suddenly remembered that you had to speak in character. “Hereith we gatherith… uh… hee hee. On such a fantabulous day of spring, sprang, sprung, I’m not the only one. Eth.”

That was enough. Zef took the microphone. “This is our last one for today. It’s called “Only Being Born”, we hope you like it.”

This was a song you wrote. You’d practiced it many times with the band, but didn’t let Daniel hear it or read anything. He had to see it live.

 

_When I was done swimming I found a position_

_In which I didn’t know I had lit the ignition_

_And I turned upside down and I covered my face_

_Yet with nothing around me I felt an embrace_

_So then I was thinking I was not alone_

_I was being evicted from my only home_

_Removed from the lion and I was the thorn_

_But I was not dying, I was only being born_

_So I threw myself off with all of my might_

_And the colors expanded into a white light_

_And then I was pulled out and I met the Earth_

_I don’t know why I cried when I felt my own birth_

_When I opened my eyes, they’re a hue of dark blue_

_Yet with nothing to see then I knew I was new_

_With the air all around me I felt like the sun_

_And a powerful scream like the shot of a gun_

_I’m alive, I’m alive, I’ve arrived and I’ll thrive_

_I’ve revived, I revived, it is time to survive_

_I’m alive, I’m alive, I’ve arrived and I’ll thrive_

_I’ve revived, I revived, it is time to survive_

 

You took the opportunity to watch Dan during the guitar solo, and he was mesmerized. You saw so much love in his eyes that you smiled and felt the acid change you to a feeling that didn’t have any bad undertones to it. Everything was illuminated and everyone was beautiful. You smiled at your boyfriend and promised yourself to go straight to his arms when the song was over.

 

_Then they put me together but I kept my distance_

_Since I felt bewildered at my own existence_

_With life all around me I was rather queasy_

_Again I was told it would not be easy_

_Soon I was overwhelmed but I couldn’t turn back_

_And I thought I was done, I was under attack_

_As I walked on the lifeline I felt it was worn_

_But there was no need to fear I had only been born_

_She said “nothing matters to me more than you”_

_“Whatever you went through you’re beginning anew”_

_And I felt for the voice I was feeling so brave_

_So thankful so grateful, the life that she gave_

_My irises changed through blue green and brown_

_I was no longer blind on the path I went down_

_With the sun on my face it did feel like a kiss_

_A gift from the home that I surely will miss_

_I’m alive, I’m alive, I’ve arrived and I’ll thrive_

_I’ve revived, I revived, it is time to survive_

_I’m alive, I’m alive, I’ve arrived and I’ll thrive_

_I’ve revived, I revived, it is time to survive_

_I’m alive, I’m alive, I’ve arrived and I’ll thrive_

_I’ve revived, I revived, it is time to survive_

 

They were clapping, but you didn’t hear it. They stood up, but you didn’t see it. They threw flowers, but you didn’t smell them. All there was to it was the taste and touch of Daniel’s kiss. His love and affection. Your bandmates’ friendship. They were all there. You needed nothing more.

_Except some fresh fruit and a swimming pool._

 

Finding neither the former or the latter, Dan and you ambulated around the Faire, looking for cool shit to buy. He was keeping an eye on you, as you were on drugs and a few people recognized both of you now. But you weren’t dumb enough (yet) to give away the fact that you were loaded with LSD. You stopped by a costume shop that looked homey and inviting to you, and by some reason struck you with a sense of familiarity.

_Have I been here before?_

You looked at a purple, patchwork robe.

_Heh heh. Purple._

You took it off the hanger and went to the vendor to pay for it. But before you took out your wallet, something changed.

_No. This is wrong. It doesn’t taste purple anymore. It tastes…_

“Orange.”

“Yes, we have it in orange too.”

“You okay there, (Y/N)?”

“Super, Danny.” You turned your attention back to the lady with the cash box. “You said there’s an _oooorange_ one?”

“Yep, right _oooover_ there.” She pointed at another rack and took the orange robe out for you. “Will this be it then?”

“Yes perfect aces goody goody good.”

You paid for the robe and immediately put it on. That was better. Everything tasted orange, especially with those tea shades you were wearing to “hide” your dilated pupils. Now you looked the part.

_Part? What part?_

I don’t know, dude.

_We better start making some sense or I’m going to float away. No, I should do that. Just let go, don’t fight it…_

And then you relaxed and felt better. Nice and warm and orange. Dan’s smile was perfectly calming. He looked at you, you looked at him. Standing in the middle of a field, waiting for the sunset, listening to “Afterglow” by Genesis.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year.”

“Neither can I, it just… _pshew_ , went by. So much happened.”

“Yeah, I almost died a few times.”

“I took acid.”

“You sure did. You should’ve seen yourself when we went back in the house and you took a shower. You looked like a kid playing with water. It was freaking hilarious.”

“What about when you thought the crescent moon was the Cheshire Cat?”

“God, that was funny.”

You looked at the clouds in silence. They were a mixture of tangerine, marigold, and an indescribably vibrant shade of pink. But there were more colors coming in too, since your line of sight had a drug-fueled prism wedged between it. You could imagine a world where Van Gogh painted the sky and Klimt painted the scene back down on the ground of Dan holding you. The San Gabriel River by Monet, during the later years when he was blind and everything looked blotchy and trippy. The renaissance fair, which was far, far away, a little Renoir. Everything looked as if it had been painted by some grandmaster of the universe. And then, Dan said something you would always remember:

“I can’t believe a work of art fell in love with me.”

You looked up at him and brought your lips to his. There is no way of explaining the happiness you felt then, during your peak, Dan’s kiss, and the afterglow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote "Only Being Born".
> 
> "Afterglow" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xA_uWtbXnh8


	25. Author's Notes

Thank you so much for joining me through this story. I had a fun time writing it, and I hope you had a fun time reading it as well.

In reality, I am writing a book about the characters Zef and Dangerfield, so you have that to look forward to someday. It's going to be called "Hounds of the Sand".

 

This is my Smashwords account, where I publish original stories. Check 'em out.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ThereIsLifeOnMars

 

My next project on AO3 will probably be about Dan Avidan and a transgender guy, so basically even more of a self-insert, since I'm a trans guy. The girl in Fair Pleasure was almost exactly me.

Much love to all of you,

XanaduHoneydew


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